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Birth in Days



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NameBlankKH

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Part One
"Roxas... do you remember your true name?"
"What do you mean?"
"Your original self,the one before you, he had a name. What would that be?"
"How am I supposed to know?"
"Well, I have a memory. Do you?"
"Memories... I really can't remember anything actually."
"I think Namine can help you with that. Go to her, we must find your true self."
"But were is she?"
"Castle Oblivion. Oh and before you go, take this."
"What is it?"
"She made it for the boy, before the Heartless took over his world."
"Looks funny, are you sure I'll need this?
"Xemnas told me to give it to you, he has a plan. Now go, before Axel comes back, we wouldn't want him to know, would we?"
"Fine, I'll go."
...
As Roxas walked to Castle Oblivion, he grasped the item that his friend had given him before. He heard people talking, and suddenly fell to the ground. He landed on a stained glass structure with a picture of a boy onto the glass who, like Roxas, he wields a Keyblade. He also saw a man in a black coat (which looked oddly liked the Organizations') standing and staring at him.
"Who are you!" asked Roxas
The man did not answer, and pulled a sword from nowhere. He repeatedly attacked Roxas until Roxas was on the ground, breathing heavily. And finally the man said:
"My name... is Riku."
...
"Roxas. Wake up.."
"Huh..."
"Roxas, it's me, Namine. I found you unconscious and carried you to the Castle." Roxas opened his eyes and saw he was in Namine's room of the castle. "Xigbar told me he sent you here. He said I need to find your 'Original name', but how do I do that?" Namine sighed "On the bright side, that boy came to the castle today, Marluxia took care of him though. He's in the basement now."
"Namine, your quite talkitive today." Roxas stood up from his chair and said "Later, Namine." then left. "Uh...Roxas?" Said Namine. As he left he still wondered who that man was... Riku? A gust of wind suddenly breezed through, and he saw a man in a black coat run toward the door leading to the basement panting the words "Sora" repeatedly. Roxas decided to follow him, and was lead directly to the basement where he had never been. It was dark and the man had disappeared, but soon reappeared and struck his sword at Roxas. It was the same one from before, and it seemed to be the same man as before as well.
"You're Riku, right!" said Roxas
"Sora?"
"No, my name is Roxas. But you're Riku!"
"How do you know me?"
"I've seen you once before, do you remember that?"
He simply stared at Roxas and laughed then said
"Listen, where's Sora?"
"I really don't know!"
"Who does know?!?"
"I th-think you might need Xemnas on that" Roxas shielded his face with his arm. "I can lead you there."
Roxas lead Riku to The Castle that Never Was, and into Where Nothing Gathers. Xemnas was standing on the highest chair, and said to asked who the outsider was. "This is Riku, he wants to see... was it Sora?"
"I need to find Sora."
Xemnas replied with "Who is this Sora boy?"
 
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Re: Kingdom Hearts

You really race through the events of this story, from a dialogue (with no clues who is speaking), to a fight, to meeting Riku, to meeting Namine, to a really short conversation, to meeting Riku again, to a fight again, to another short conversation, to meeting Xemnas. You need to slow down and describe these scenes, let them flow into each other rather than just list "this happened, then this happened, then this happened, etc."

The individual lines of dialogue aren't bad, but they don't always hold together to form a conversation. The first conversation, between Roxas and (we later discover) Xigbar, flows pretty naturally, but the second, between Roxas and Namine, doesn't seem to make much sense. Namine talks for four lines, first about Roxas, then Xigbar, then his original name, then "that boy" (who?) in the castle with Marluxia, and Roxas responds with "You're very talkative today" then leaves! Not much of a conversationalist. In the last conversation, with Riku, Roxas makes all the appropriate responses, but then apparently forgets that he and Riku had been fighting moments earlier and offers to take him to Xemnas. Also a bit confusing.

There are some grammar and spelling errors sprinkled throughout, but these story elements are the most important for now. If you're interested in doing some editing and maybe even a rewrite, I think it could help your story and draw in more readers. You might try reading other fanfics in this section for good examples. Best of luck in your writing!
 

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Re: Kingdom Hearts

You really race through the events of this story, from a dialogue (with no clues who is speaking), to a fight, to meeting Riku, to meeting Namine, to a really short conversation, to meeting Riku again, to a fight again, to another short conversation, to meeting Xemnas. You need to slow down and describe these scenes, let them flow into each other rather than just list "this happened, then this happened, then this happened, etc."

The individual lines of dialogue aren't bad, but they don't always hold together to form a conversation. The first conversation, between Roxas and (we later discover) Xigbar, flows pretty naturally, but the second, between Roxas and Namine, doesn't seem to make much sense. Namine talks for four lines, first about Roxas, then Xigbar, then his original name, then "that boy" (who?) in the castle with Marluxia, and Roxas responds with "You're very talkative today" then leaves! Not much of a conversationalist. In the last conversation, with Riku, Roxas makes all the appropriate responses, but then apparently forgets that he and Riku had been fighting moments earlier and offers to take him to Xemnas. Also a bit confusing.

There are some grammar and spelling errors sprinkled throughout, but these story elements are the most important for now. If you're interested in doing some editing and maybe even a rewrite, I think it could help your story and draw in more readers. You might try reading other fanfics in this section for good examples. Best of luck in your writing!
I'd like to say one thing. At this point Roxas is new, therefore he dosn't really know how to react to certain situations.
 

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Re: Kingdom Hearts

I'd like to say one thing. At this point Roxas is new, therefore he dosn't really know how to react to certain situations.
The issue is with the writing structure though. Even if we're experiencing the story through the eyes of a very inexperienced character the writing structure itself should still be fluid. I don't really know what's going on because stuff is happening at breakneck speed and there's little description. It feels like I'm reading a very condensed section of a story.

I'm not saying this to be mean or look down on you, but as constructive criticism, I think you do need to slow down a bit and flesh things out.
 

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Kingdom Hearts: Birth in Days

Part Two
"Sora is... or was my friend." Riku stared directly at Xemnas while he replied,
"A youthful boy had wondered into our castle a short time ago," Xemnas jumped down from his chair down to the floor "He is directly down in the basement. But how do I trust you?"
"I can help you, I promise I can."
"How are you to do that?" Xemnas seemed very questionable today
"How do you think I got here if not by destiny?" Riku said hesitatingly
"I can think of many ways, perhaps you were sent here!"
"Xemnas, just lead me to Sora."
Riku muttered under his breath "Terra was right. Sora, I'm coming for you."
"Roxas, I would appreciate it if you leave. Demyx and you should be at Agrabah right now" Xemnas said sending away Roxas.
...
"So Roxas, ya' ready?" Demyx asked Roxas
"Why do I have the keyblade?" Said Roxas neglecting Demyx's question
"Well I know I have Arpeggio because my original self had it himself. Maybe your original self had a keyblade just like yours!"
"Maybe..."
After the mission Roxas returned to the Castle where he sleep in peace.
 
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Kingdom Hearts: Birth in Days

Part Three
"We've walked quite far, are you sure he's here?" Riku asked Xemnas while they walked further and further down the stairs.
"Marluxia put a boy down here, though the odds of it being your friend is very slim." Xemnas lead him through a door, and down some more stairs.
"I know it's him," Riku said "Ter-... someone told me he's be here."
"You seem to be very brave, first you listen to your friend- about your friend- and then you let me guide you with nobody else here." Xemnas said "I am also sorry that Roxas got in your way, he's not very... should I say.. intelligent."
"Something about Roxas reminds me of Sora." Riku said
"Well, they are very connected to each-other."
"How's that? Are they related?" Riku turned and looked at Xemnas
"Roxas is Sora's nobody, created when Sora became a heartless. It seems that Sora is back again somehow."
They walked further down until they finally reached the basement.
"So Sora is here?" Asked Riku
"Yes, follow me."
Xemnas lead Riku through a door and reached a room with a tall white ceiling and many chairs with people sitting in them, unconscious people.
"Who are all these people?"
"The ones who barged into this castle, just like you."
"Huh?!"

And the next moment Riku was lying on the ground, knocked out senseless.
"Brave one indeed" laughed Xemnas.
Xemnas then raised his hands and darkness swallowed Riku which transported him onto one of the chairs.
"Foolish whole."
 
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Re: Kingdom Hearts

I like this new perspective on Kingdom Hearts entirely. I would like to know, who the other people are that barged into the basement. C: This is a good read, despite it's unusual fast pace. I wonder if, Riku will be able to escape the basement, and where Terra is right now? Keep up the good work. I can already see some improvement in the most recent parts of your story, where you say who is saying what.

All I will say, is try to add in more details.
Spoiler Spoiler Show


However, there's nothing wrong with just having dialog either. Just have fun with it. And I know you'll keep improving as you write out your story.
 

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Kingdom Hearts: Birth in Days

Part Four
While Roxas sleep he dreamed of Riku, and even of his original self. Who could it be? Riku seemed very familiar, is he connected to me somehow?
The next day Roxas and the rest of the Organization had gathered for an announcement, and Xemnas said "On most occasions you would be here for an important announcement. And you may all think that is exactly what this is, though this is much greater. Today will be the reveal of a new member, I introduce to you number XIV of Organization XIII. Xion."
She walked out of the shade and onto the middle of the area, she had her hood on preventing her face from being shown. Axel looked at Roxas and they both remembered the day that Roxas was introduced into the Organization. That was only a week and 3 days previous from this time. Then Xemnas continued "Xion is very special, therefore she will not be going on any missions."
"You may now return to your designated areas."
The days had past, 11, 12, 13, 14. It was the Day Fifteen, Roxas was about to go on another mission to Agrabah. He was teamed up with Xigbar this time, and they had just landed onto the desert floors. "Destroy Heartless, right?" said Roxas to Xigbar
"Collect hearts, we're not just destroying the Heartless." and then Xigbar walked toward the town, followed by Roxas.
After the mission: "Roxas, has anyone told you something?"
"What do you mean?" Asked Roxas
"Has anyone told you something about you- or your real self?" Xigbar said calmly
"Demyx did say that I had a very 'authentic first creature' but I honestly think half the things he says is crazy gibberish"
Xigbar laughed and said "We all do, Roxas."
...
"Come out here, Xehanort!" Screamed Terra "I defeated your minion now it's time I defeated you!" He was nearly out of breath, as he panted heavily.
And with one motion Xehanort arose from the darkness. "Terra, you have done very well. But now it is time you suffer!" Xehanort summoned his keyblade and threw it unmercifully at Terra, though with all the power he had left, Terra raised his keyblade and almost stopped Xehanort's keyblade, though Xehanort's proved to be more powerful as it cut right through Terra's and then made its was to Terra himself.
"Suffer like you wanted me to suffer..."
 
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Re: Kingdom Hearts

I like this new perspective on Kingdom Hearts entirely. I would like to know, who the other people are that barged into the basement. C: This is a good read, despite it's unusual fast pace. I wonder if, Riku will be able to escape the basement, and where Terra is right now? Keep up the good work. I can already see some improvement in the most recent parts of your story, where you say who is saying what.

All I will say, is try to add in more details.
Spoiler Spoiler Show


However, there's nothing wrong with just having dialog either. Just have fun with it. And I know you'll keep improving as you write out your story.
The people who are in the basement are really not anyone important now, but there will be a few that will be important. And Terra, in part four, is just on that mountain (haven't played bbs yet :p)
 

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Kingdom Hearts: Birth in Days

Part Five
"Roxas, you haven't seen Axel anywhere, have you?" Asked Xaldin as Roxas walked through the halls.
"Last time I saw him," Said Roxas "he said he was going to see Xemnas, maybe ask Xemnas where he is."
Xaldin moaned and continued "Xemnas said you know where he is, so spill it kid."
"Sorry Xaldin, but I honestly have no clue!" and that was the truth. Axel had gone missing yesterday, and never seen since.
"Hey Roxas, I know you like missions, so how about you go do me a favor and look for Axel, okay?"
"Oh, yeah. Sure thing!" and Roxas smiled as he left, but quickly the smile faded away. Axel was gone missing and Roxas was to find him, what a lousy way to spend a sunday. He searched the castle everywhere he thought Axel might be, but with no luck. So he decided he'd go to Castle Oblivion. As he walked toward the castle he saw a figure in black and red clothing. He slowly walked to the person and notice it's back was turned and asked "Who are you?" The person turned around and said "Shut up, Ventus! You know who I am!"
"Oh, I'm sorry." Roxas said as he took a few steps back. "Could I... just walk to the castle?"
"Hah! You think you can just walk past me? I'll never forgive you after what you did to me."
"Please, just let me-" Roxas started but was soon cut off as the figure had shot fire and hit Roxas, and as Roxas lay on the ground the man said "Ventus, why must you anger me? You know what I want and I want it now-" A large blast of energy had hit the man, causing him to fall to the ground revealing the attacker, Axel. "Roxas, number Thirteen, The Key to Destiny. I never imagined that a minor like Vanitas would attack a major like you!"
"Vanitas? Was that his name?" Asked Roxas as Axel helped him up.
"Yeah, he's after the X-Blade." Axel said "Sent by some fool named Xehanort to take the heart of Castle Oblivion. I guess it's not his fault he's crazy."
"He called me Ventus. Axel, who's Ventus?" Roxas said, wiping the dust off his coat.
Axel walked past Roxas and then said "Ventus... all I know of Ventus is that he apparently looks like you, Roxas."
"How do you know this stuff?" Roxas asked Axel as he sped to catch-up with him.
"Well, I guess I just got it memorized. Got it memorized?" The truth was that Axel had been told all this by a man who looked like Riku, and was named Ruxik. "Now, let's get back to the castle, Xemnas would be proud to see me back, you can tell him you found me."
"Yeah, that seems good. Hey want some ice-cream when we get back? I heard Twilight Town has really good sea-salt flavor!"
"Sure. Ice cream would be great right now." and Axel left with Roxas to the castle where after they told Xemnas that "Roxas had found Axel" they enjoyed some sea-salt ice cream on top of the clock tower in Twilight Town.
 

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Kingdom Hearts: Birth in Days

Part Six
"Hey Axel why does my stick say 'WINNER'?" Roxas asked Axel on Day 18, they were atop of the clock tower eating ice cream just like any other day.
"If you give the stick to the ice cream seller, you can get another one for free."
"Here, I'll give it to you." And Roxas gave his lucky stick to Axel, but quickly received it once again.
"Keep it" Said Axel "It's a good luck charm."
...
"Riku, over here!" Sora called for his friend as they were preparing a raft to go see the worlds that lay beyond theirs. "I found a letter in a bottle!"
"Open it!" Said Riku as he arrived. "It might be from someone out there."

Dear Sora and Riku,
You have lost something most precious to you, and the only way to retrieve it is to build the raft quicker as there is not much time left. I'll see you on the other side.
-Namine

"What's that all about?" Asked Sora
"I dunno, but I guess we should just build faster." Riku put the paper back in the glass bottle and stuck it in his pocket. "Kairi should be here soon."
"Riku she's behind you!" Said Sora chuckling. Riku turned around and saw Kairi.
"Riku, you never could see a thing!" Said Kairi
...
"Riku..." Roxas had had another odd dream, this one he was fighting with Riku again. And lost... very painfully. He was in his room writing in his journal and he looked down at the strange item that Xigbar had given him days before. It was a wayfinder charm that "the boy" had received from "her" before their island was destroyed by the heartless. Roxas never knew who these people where, though he did know that Xemnas and Xigbar did. Suddenly,KNOCK KNOCK!
 
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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Birth in Days

Wow, I didn't expect Vanitas to show up. Looks like Roxas is going to have a lot on his plate. Curious where Axel had gone off to, and why Xigbar was worried about Roxas knowing about his somebody. Neat to see, Terra facing off against Xehanort briefly. So, Riku has a nobody? Interesting development this all is. C:

It's okay, if you haven't played BBS. This makes it that much more exciting to read, And gosh, do you update fast!
 

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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Birth in Days

Axel had just gone to Castle Oblivion for Ruxik to find Vanitas, and Xemnas doesn't want Roxas to know about his "Somebody". Also, I update quickly because I have nothing to do in real life.
 

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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Birth in Days

Your writing has definitely improved in these later chapters! You fill in more details, and your dialogue and action flow more smoothly as a result. I still feel that there are an awful lot of ellipses, events that we don't see in the story and characters that just pop in and out without warning (for example, the sudden appearance of Vanitas). However, if you keep adding detail and giving more information about what's going on, this could shape up into a good story!
 

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Kingdom Hearts: Birth in Days

Part Seven
Roxas jumped up and opened the door, and there standing was Lexaeus, with the disappointed look that healways had. "Roxas, you have been dozing enough, we're to be at Twilight Town by now." Roxas looked down in embarrassment, he had forgotten yet another mission.
...
They had just landed and started to walk toward the city
"Don't be so hard on yourself," said Lexaeus "you have a full week off after this, it'll be over soo-"
"Who's Ventus?" Roxas interrupted Lexaeus to ask this question that had been pondering him since Vanitas' attack
Lexaeus gasped "Roxas, shut up!" Roxas started with anger and confusion. "What about Vanitas?" asked Roxas "Is he such a secret too? And... and..." He was going to say another name, but it quickly slipped out of his mind.
"I forbid you to speak those names anywhere near me, or any other members!" Lexaeus walked away, then turned back to look at Roxas, who, without hesitation, summoned his Keyblade and spoke once again "Who are they?!"
"Roxas..." Lexaeus grabbed his axe and said "No more words will be spoken until we return to the Castle, understood?"
Roxas simply nodded in agreement.
...
The mission went well, and as Roxas came back to his room he noticed something was missing. His wayfinder was gone, nowhere to be found! He searched around his room, and after a while he gave up. Roxas sat on his bed and looked out the window, a dark figure was watching him, Vanitas was watching him. As Vanitas saw Roxas' face, he left with a dark, black wind. Roxas hurried and ran outside of the Castle and onto the city part of the world. As soon as he left entered the city, thousands of Heartless swarmed around him. He summoned his Keyblade and struck left and right, destroying many of them but with many still left. He continued with all the strength left in him, and soon saw there were more than just shadow Heartless. Nocturnes and Rhapsodys soon came from the darkness in the ground. Roxas did what he thought was best, and summoned a group of Samurai Nobodies to aid him in his struggle. Soon many shadows jumped onto his back and pushed him to the pavement of the ground. His last chance was magic, so he used his final bit of strength to conjure a large ball of fire and destroy many of the Heartless around him. Out from behind him he saw two members rushing toward him, one of which was Axel and the other was number fourteen, Axel took out his Chakrams and vanished many of the Heartless while Xion (still with the hood) summoned- the Keyblade!
Axel used a large ring of fire to protect them from any other Heartless while they struck this batch. Soon the shadows became Gigas and even Mega-shadows, and Neoshadows swarmed too. These became even harder to defeat, and took many strikes. Though Axel was equipped with many potions and ethers, as a backup. Suddenly Axel's fire went out and all the Heartless went back into the darkness as it faded away. Roxas was breathing heavily "Axel... thank you....."
"No problem," said Axel patting Roxas on the back "you did great. Anyways, we better get back to the Castle" Axel had an odd tone to his voice "After all this battling we would want to disturb them more would we-"
The Darkness filled the ground once again, and one last Heartless arose from it- The Darkside. "What the!" Axel threw his Chakrams at it like a boomerang and they came back in his hands after the second hit, and the Darkside was not affected. Roxas stroke his Keyblade and Xion did the same, they all three attempted to harm him with no luck. He rose his fist and struck the ground causing an opening for the trio to attack. Many shadows came from this darkness and they were defeated with Axel's fire. Though this wasn't enough as the Darkside struck with his other hand causing a great crack to be in the pavement, which broke the land into a small fragment of the world. Roxas looked and saw that Xion was down and Axel was nearly down too, then he looked at himself and noticed that he was falling...




 

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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Birth in Days

Now that was fascinating. Roxas being lured out by Vanitas, and running into Heartless, Neoshadows, Rhapsody, and a Darkside! I wonder where Roxas will wind up? ouo It's interesting to see Lexaeus get upset, when Roxas mentions Vanitas and Ventus. Roxas is going to have a hard time getting answers, I'd imagine.
 

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Kingdom Hearts: Birth in Days

Part Eight
"Axel...." Roxas was slowly awakening after his slumber, he was beginning to speak again. He opened his eyes for what felt like the very first time, the bright lights coming from a nearby window was shining on him. The first thing he saw was the sun, it was sunset. There was a small bed under him, and his clothes had a much different feel to them as they were softer. He rubbed his eyes and noticed he did in fact, have a new attire. Also, he noticed there was a door across from the room. Walked toward the door, he stumbled over a paper:
Twilight Town Struggle Tournament,
Sign-up today!
Ignoring this, he left the room. There was a staircase going down to his left, and as he stepped down he saw a few black coats laying (very un-neatly) on the ground. The next floor there was a glass door leading outside on the left and a kitchen and a table to the right. There was also an entrance door on the right, which was cracked a bit.
"Axel!" Roxas called out, with no response. So his second action was walking out the door, and outside he saw a town filled with many houses and buildings. Out of the air, many Dusks came scrambling through. Roxas hurried after them with his Keyblade in hand. He followed the Dusks into the Tram Common, where he lost them. Roxas grunted. He walked to one of the shops, where laying on the ground, was his... waykeeper!
"May I help you?" The store clerk had asked Roxas
"Have you seen a boy with long red hair? Roxas stuffed the wayfinder in his pocket
"Orange hair, yes. Red hair, no." he said.
"Oh, thanks..." Roxas walked away. Where was Axel? He had so many questions...
 
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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Birth in Days

Interesting for Roxas to wake up in Twilight Town. Hmm, I wonder if he'll partake in the tournament. I hope Axel is okay, wherever he may be. Curious how his waykeeper ended up in such an odd place too. [Isn't it actually called a wayfinder?] Anyhow, it's exciting to see Roxas searching for Axel, and after the events of battling it out with a Darkside, and Neoshadows to boot!
 
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