A very very rough draft of a new series I'm working on. It's a Bioshock fanfic with no characters from Bioshock in it (so yes, very unlikely to appeal to many, haha). This is the first draft of chapter one and I just felt like sharing. So, let me know what you think~
(trigger warning for sexual assault)
Noel Coward’s “World Weary” settled like dust over the hushed whispers that night at The Watched Clock diner. Leland sat in the red-cushioned booth next to the record player. Down on the floor, he could see the fingerprints of the diner’s owner on the old record’s slip cover. It had likely been stored away in some milk crate box not too long ago, until the rumours made their way down Rapture’s High Street and arrived at the diner’s doorstep. Beneath the music, most of the patrons swapped theories among themselves.
None of this really registered to Leland at the time, however. He was too aware of how his belly felt a little snug in the booth, and that he had to unbutton his vest before sitting down lest the fabric tear even more than it already had. The threading had begun to come undone in spots, but it was the nicest thing he owned. The unspoken dress code (and price range) for the businesses on High Street was often enough reason for him to keep his distance, but Danny insisted they met there that night. Leland’s eighteenth birthday was coming up and presumably Danny concocted some big plan to celebrate. There always was some grand notion with him; whether it was a birthday or a simple dinner, he needed to live loud. He could afford to, after all.
The door chimed and then -- Danny.
Shoulders back, standing tall, he stopped in the entrance and scanned the room. He, too, was wearing a black vest, but even from where Leland sat he could see it was in better condition, recently ironed, made of a pricier material. His pinstriped black slacks put his own to shame as well. In fact, the only thing that looked even remotely equal about them was likely the simple white button-up dress shirt beneath it all. Though Leland was sure that, upon closer look, even that would reveal itself to be above his own. But none of that really mattered, not anymore, because right then, Danny spotted him and grinned the most stupid beautiful grin. That was the thing about Danny, you just couldn’t help being drawn into his ridiculous crazy orbit and smile yourself stupid, too.
Danny slid into the booth with ease and rested his arms on the table between them. With both their sleeves rolled up, their skin grazed against the other’s. Leland looked down at the contact with the lightest of smiles, not wanting to let on too much. On the inside of Danny’s forearms chemical reactions were tattooed. Another of Danny’s brilliant plans. It took them days to pinprick tattoo his arms. He had suggested to Danny that they go to a professional — or whatever passed for one down here — but he wouldn’t hear of it. It mattered immeasurably to Danny that they be done by Leland’s hand. At least, that’s what Leland told himself as his partner never let on any real explanation. He believed he knew the reason behind the markings, behind himself being the one to mark him, but he didn’t dare ask if any of it were true. If it weren’t, he wasn’t sure he could bear it. So they both stayed quiet.
He felt so warm, though. Like the heat coursed through Danny’s veins, radiating the world around him. Even their slight touch now began to cause beads of sweat form around Leland’s brow. Normally such a thing would bother him, remind him of how large he was, how uncomfortable he almost always was, but not now. Not this time. No, now he wanted nothing more than to simply close his eyes, to feel tethered to no one in that diner but Danny, and tethered by nothing more than skin on skin, heat passing from one to the other.
Danny raised his arm off the table, breaking the connection, to flag a waitress. “Could I get a cola for the lad here?” He gave Leland a knowingly glance and a wink, and left it at that. Leland rushed to wipe the sweat away with the back of his hand, suddenly feeling embarrassed and present. Outside the diner, Leland could make out a couple looking out one of the large glass windows to the open sea. What must it be like above the surface, to look out the window of a diner and see the street, see outside, see birds and vehicles and insects, to see a breeze blow a man’s hat off and away? He wondered if, above the surface, he’d be the type to stare longingly for the sea, instead of longingly for the sky.
The waitress sat the glass down with a thunk. Leland thanked her and as soon as she left, ran his fingers along the condensation forming on the glass. He pushed it over to Danny who took a big drink, watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed with each sip, and that was when he noticed the large medical bandage on his friend’s neck. Leland hadn’t noticed it before now, as the colour of the bandage blended with his dress shirt, but sure enough, there it was, covering the left side of his neck and appearing to even continue along his shoulder a bit before disappearing under his clothes.
Danny caught him looking and grinned. “It’s nothing. Cut myself shaving. Can you believe it takes work to look this good? I can hardly believe it myself.” He pushed the glass across the table, back to Leland. “Enough of that though,” he said after Leland took a sip. “We got ourselves more important things.”
Leland rolled his eyes. “What brilliant plan have you cooked us this time, oh Danny boy?”
“Shut it.” He laughed. “I didn’t cook us anything. Instead I saw us an opportunity.”
“An opportunity,” Leland echoed.
“That’s right.” He leaned in close, voice dropping to a whisper. “Leland, what marks the difference between a boy and a man? Hm?”
Leland swallowed. “Don’t ‘spose it’s a simple birthday, eh?”
“Nah, nah, nah. C’mon, Lee. Ought’a dream bigger than that.”
“Bigger, bolder, brighter,” Leland muttered.
“Yes, in fact. All fantastic words.” His breath smelled of spearmint. “Alliteration is actually the name of the game tonight, my friend, as you and I are going to the Bottom of the Sea.”
Leland sat back in the booth, a confused look smacked on his round pale face. “We’re already at the bottom of the sea, mate.”
Now it was Danny with the confused look, almost hesitant, as if he had miscalculated. “You… really don’t know?”
“Know what?”
It was at that moment that another patron walked by their booth. An older gentleman with a stocky build came up to their table and eyed the tattoos along Danny’s arms. Something about the sweat forming along the man’s brows gave Leland the sense that he knew something that he didn’t, and that he had likely been listening to their conversation. The man barely registered Leland’s presence at all, as far as Leland could tell, as the man’s eyes set upon Danny’s like a hunger burned behind them. The man rubbed his chin before speaking.
“What those writings on your arm mean, son?”
Danny could barely hold back the eye roll. It was a question he had heard over and over, ever since they’d been completed. No matter how many times anyone asked however — no matter who asked, for that matter — he never let on their meaning.
Danny returned the inspecting look back at the older gentlemen, who it was clear now had been sporting some Plasmid upgrades. The man’s arms were muscular, far too muscular to match the rest of the man’s physique. There was also certain… evidence to suggest other appendages had been spliced, but Leland tried not to think about it too much. Danny, however, sized the man up, as if he was carefully rolling the idea of everything this man was in his mind, once, twice, thrice, before finally speaking.
“It’s the chemical reaction for f*ck off,” Danny said, his voice hardly matching the hostility of his words. He was, of course, grinning like a fool. Or a madman, perhaps. The two so often blurred.
The man’s fists clenched and his pale skin turned a deeper shade of blood. He looked over at Leland for what must’ve been the first time, as if searching for support, or, merely evidence that Danny was at all legitimate.
“That ain’t the way to talk to someone superior than yourself,” the man spat out.
“This is Rapture.” Danny reached for Leland’s glass and took a sip. “You ain’t superior to jack shit down here.”
When Leland didn’t seem to give the man the support he wanted he turned on his heel and left. Danny turned to Leland and rolled his eyes. “The world don’t belong to men like that,” he said.
Leland ran his finger in the watermark where his glass had been. Who did the world belong to if not men like that? Them? Every day it felt less so than the one before, though there was no telling Danny that. It often felt that it could be raining in Rapture, and Danny would simply choose not to notice it.
“F*ck that guy,” Danny said. “This is Rapture,” he repeated, though for whom Leland couldn’t decide. “My body is none of his damned business, is it? Everyone’s their own island under this dark sea. That guy does not deserve to be here.”
Leland reached over for the glass and took a drink. The idea of everyone being an island, separate from the others, caused a loneliness in his heart, and he knew not to mention it.
“Speaking of.” Danny reached into one of the pockets on his vest. “Look at the next disgrace to Rapture.” He pulled out a small poster out of his pocket, unfolded it and tossed it across the table to Leland. The poster was a stylized portrait of a man in a white button up shirt with suspenders set against a yellow backdrop. The man had his hand outstretched toward the viewer, and behind him a depiction of Rapture’s skyline, though the building were clearly deteriorating and corrupt. The text read:
“Can you believe that?” Danny shook his head like the very notion behind the poster was laughable. “Whoever this Atlas fellow is, he sure don’t know much about how Rapture works. Blaming his own shortcomings on the city. If he has a problem with his lot in life, he should work to change it, not just demand the city council to cater to him.”
Leland ran his fingers along the side of the poster, over the image of Rapture’s skyline. He could feel something click into place inside him, like an understanding buried deep within finally locking into its proper place, beginning to take notice. It was at that point that he was able to put words to the whispers he had been hearing around the diner. The whispers hadn’t been just idle chatter like he originally dismissed them as. No, now he could hear them for what they were. Worries. Concerns. The nationalization of Frank Fontaine’s business caused unrest among the citizens of Rapture’s so-called free market society, and word was that the City Council was planning something in the coming days. Even among the more well-to-do types of Rapture’s High Street, doubt about Rapture and about Andrew Ryan was beginning to spread. Was Atlas wrong? Or was Rapture not the utopia it claimed to be? Leland could tell Danny settled with Rapture. But himself… he couldn’t be sure.
He had always known that his and Danny’s perspectives didn’t line up quite right, like factory-reject jigsaw pieces. They looked similar, could even fit together at times if enough force was applied, but they would never actually connect fully. There would always be space between them — space that Danny simply couldn’t comprehend even existing, let alone the realities of what they were. He often tried to ignore the gap between them, tell himself he was overreacting, tell himself it didn’t matter or that he was imagining it. Seeing the poster, seeing those feeling put into words, brought them all back to the surface and made them impossible to ignore. If it came to it, would he and Danny fall on opposing sides in the fight for Rapture?
Danny ripped the poster from Leland’s hands, crumpled it up, and tossed it aside.
“Forget about that,” Danny said. “Don’t need to worry about that shit tonight, do you? We’ve got more important plans — what with you becoming a man and all.”
“Right.” He had almost forgotten about that after that man had interrupted them before. “You didn’t really—”
He tossed a small advertisement onto the table between them. With a trademark grin, Danny added, “After tonight, your virginity is going to be a thing of the past, my friend.”
Leland’s breath caught in his throat. The table pressed snug against his stomach, sweat forming along his brows, as he reached forward and picked up the small leaflet from the table. It was promoting one of the local bars here in Rapture. The image was of a shirtless muscular man with blond hair and a chiseled jaw. Hoisted on his shoulder was a large drill, and in his other arm was a diver’s helmet. The man looked at the viewer with a suggestive eye raise and shining white teeth. There was a noticeably over sized bulge, right above the words “Big Daddy” on the poster. Leland stared at the image in a mix of fear and shock. It wasn’t just any old bar, but a bar for homosexuals.
The “Bottom of the Sea” that Danny had mentioned had been the name of a bar, and it seemed this was where his brilliant plan to rid Leland of his virginity was going to take place. He had never mentioned anything of the sort to Danny — that he was… like that — so why was Danny taking him here? His hands had begun to shake. He sat back in the booth as much as he could, trying hard to breathe. Who else had Danny told? Did Danny’s parents think he was like that? Did his own? Did everyone? He felt like an immense pressure was forming on his chest and each breath seemed sharper than the one before. This couldn’t be happening.
“You really didn’t know,” Danny said quietly, seriously, leaning forward, his voice more of a whisper. “It’s okay. You can relax. It’s not a big deal.”
“I never — why would — I….”
“I’m your best friend, Leland. Of course I knew.” He looks so serious, more than Leland could ever remember him looking. “All those times we talked about girls. You never were actually interested, were you? But you also never made it with a gu—” He paused, looking around the diner. “With someone like that. You never did anything about it. Never took action.” He reached across the table, put his hand on top of Leland’s. “Look, I’m trying to help you. It’s not a big deal if you’re… like that, okay. This is Rapture.”
This is Rapture, Leland repeated to himself. He looked up at Danny’s big gold eyes and felt warm. Danny believed in that, in this place, so much that Leland found it hard not to. Even though he knew that This is Rapture could only ever count for so much, it was hard not to be pulled into believing it by Danny and his enthusiasm and his faith for this place and what it stood for. So much so, that even though he had a countless list of reservations about Danny’s accusations, and his plans and going to this place and… losing his virginity, he found himself nodding his head ever so slightly.
This spread Danny’s lips into a wide smile and Leland wished so much that they could simply live in that moment. For Danny’s hand to never leave his, for his smile to always be directed towards him, for the soft music to always surrounded them, for the endless potential life seemed to have in that moment. But of course, life moved on, and Danny’s hand did leave his, and his smile slowly vanished, and the noise of the other patrons filled the air once more.
“It’s settled then,” Danny said, before tipping the glass up in a small toast before drinking what remained of the Coca-Cola they’d been sharing. “Tonight, you become a man.”
Looking at himself now though, he was struck by how much he was. Too much, in fact. Too fat, too wide, too sweaty, too nervous, too bland, too featureless. Most of the time he could pretend he was none of these things. Through his eyes, he felt skinny and normal, like he couldn’t actually imagine what skinner than this would look and feel like, but that illusion was tenuous, broken every time he caught his reflection, whether that be in shiny surfaces, or the looks and behaviours of others. The world was frequently reminding him that it was not built for boys like him. Every booth in every overpriced diner was too tight. All clothes too small. Each chair too rickety. Boys like him were nowhere to be seen in the advertisements, on the television, in the portrayals of the ideal, desired, Rapture Life.
And now he was meant to go to a club where all those feelings would be cranked up to eleven. Where the boys were fit and muscular and good-looking. Where he would be too big for the bar stools, too warm for the climate, too ugly to be noticed. If he even wanted to be noticed that was. He still couldn’t tell if he was reluctantly going for himself or for Danny. He couldn’t voice any of these concerns to Danny anyway. He had before in the past, but the responses were always the same — an enthusiastic denial of Leland’s reality in favour of his own. How he wished he could live in that world of Danny’s himself, where nothing was too tight, too awkward, too small. A world designed for boys like him, where he could click into place with ease. He knew he never would — that was a world built for boys like Danny — but he would also never stop trying.
Leland lifted his shirt and looked at his chest in the mirror. He ran his fingers along the blue and purple stretch marks that framed his body. The skin was raised and smooth like scar tissue. It riddled his skin like a treasure map to nowhere and he sighed. How would he ever face someone like this? Be vulnerable like this? The demands of such relationships felt like an immense and inescapable pressure. Not even with Danny could he be this exposed. The few times they went somewhere it would be required, like the swimming pools, he either made an excuse not to go, or refused to take off his shirt. It wasn’t that he feared Danny would make fun of him — he was even pretty sure Danny wouldn’t think much of it at all — but he cared too much himself to buy into Danny’s philosophy. Perhaps everyone had parts of themselves they wish they could hide away from the world. But then again, everyone else in Rapture had already spliced them all away.
He pulled down his shirt when he heard the sound of the front door opening. Acid rose higher in his throat as he took to staring himself down in the cracked mirror. This was a terrible idea and he knew he should just tell Danny that, tell him that he didn’t want to go to the bar and he didn’t want to have sex and he didn’t want to do this. But soon Danny would be there with him in his room. Danny would come up beside him and look into the mirror and it will be as if they are looking at completely different images. He’ll make Leland feel like all of this is actually possible for boys like him and that he could be normal. Soon he’d be agreeing to the idea, maybe even excited for it, somehow, as if he never had any real choice in the matter. Danny’s pull was powerful and relentless.
Danny entered the room like he lived there and plopped down on Leland’s bed. He was already made up and ready to go, swapping out white button up from earlier in the day with a rich red one. His tie was red and black houndstooth and he looked like a force to be reckoned with. In his hand was a boutique bag from Maison Vosges and when he saw Leland looking at it he cracked a big grin.
“Gotta look nice on your big night,” he said. He tossed Leland the bag and watched him as he emptied it carefully on the end of the bed.
“This is too much,” Leland said as he looked over the expensive clothes Danny had picked out for them. Each of them still carried their price tag and Leland wondered if it was because Danny wanted to know how much he was spending on Leland, or if Danny really didn’t have any idea the financial discrepancies between them. Were the price tags left on to remind Leland, or because Danny was really just that oblivious to why they would make him uncomfortable?
“It’s nothing,” Danny replied. “It’s an event.” The smile faded slightly. “You’ll remember tonight forever.”
Leland took a deep breath, tried to calm himself down, as he looked over the clothes once more. They were the nicest things he ever owned. But it all seemed pointless. All of this, for one night, for one moment. He picked up the slacks and marveled at the stitching, and the quality of the fabric. His own had far too many little knicks and tears, so many broken seams having to be stitched back together by hand. It was hard to resist it, to let himself fall into the night. To feel glamorous and worthy. So he let himself. It was all pretend anyway. Tomorrow he would wake up and be back to his normal life. Back to loose threads and tight shirts. Back to being bland, unremarkable Leland.
He unzipped his ratty pants and let them fall to the floor. Danny’s eyes were on him, he could tell, but he tried not to let it bother him as he slipped on his new slacks. They felt so smooth against his skin and he wondered briefly if this was what rich felt like. Leland looked at himself in the mirror, and already he could feel himself start to change. It was still him, of course, and he was still fat, but now there was something else he couldn’t put his finger on quite yet. When he turned around to grab the shirt, Danny was watching him attentively.
“What?”
“Nothing,” Danny replied. “I’m glad they fit.”
Leland rubbed the fabric of the shirt between his fingers. Rich and smooth. “Can you close your eyes?” he asked nervously.
Danny looked hurt, briefly, as if upset that Leland didn’t trust him. But he did what he was asked and closed his eyes, even covered them with his arm. Leland gave a weak smile and began to unbutton his old shirt. He hesitated before removing his shirt, worried that Danny would spring forth and take in the monstrosity that was his body, but he never did. The scratchy white button up fell to the ground unremarked and Danny held to his word. They stayed there frozen for a moment together: Danny with his eyes still covered, and Leland with his body exposed. He considered for a moment what it would be like if he told Danny to open his eyes. To let himself be vulnerable with his best friend, to let him see the scars he tried so hard to pretend didn’t exist. But then he saw the price still left on his new shirt, and remembered that Danny was of a different world. He slipped on the new shirt, buttoned it up, and tore the price tag off.
Leland tucked his shirt in, tore off the last tag from his pants, before telling Danny he could open his eyes. Danny seemed to light up at the sight, but didn’t say anything. He got up from the bed and walked over to Leland. His grip was firm but comforting as he took both of Leland’s shoulders in his hands and smiled. There was still the matter of the vest and tie before the illusion was complete. Leland slipped on the vest while Danny readied the tie. The vest was dark with an intricate design and, unsurprisingly, it too felt expensive.
Danny began to tie Leland’s tie for him. Their bodies were close and he could feel Danny’s breath against his skin. He smelled of cinnamon and old spice. For a moment Leland considered embracing the illusion, the pretend, completely. In this make believe world where he was rich and glamorous and worthy, would they not be together? Would he not lean forward and close the distance between them? Would they not be happy? An intense draw existed between him and Danny, he was sure of it, but the question remained whether Danny felt it, too. But maybe even in Danny’s world, the reality of Leland’s body was an obstacle. He did not lean forward.
“There,” Danny said as he pulled the last knot tight and straightened out the tie. “Dapper as f*ck,” he said, spinning Leland around to look into the mirror.
And there it was. The image of themselves together in that cracked reflection. Danny beaming bright and intense and Leland… He understood it now, what he had seen earlier in the mirror, that quality about him that he couldn’t place. Leland looked like both himself and not himself. Decked from head to toe in expensive luxuries, he realized that in this world of pretend, he could afford to look like he did. With enough money, even someone like Leland could afford to be fat and dull. It felt not unlike a magic spell had been put over him and he could feel himself fall into the night and the make believe and the idea that he could be normal. All magic comes to an end eventually, that he knew, but for now, he could breathe a little easier, could feel a little more comfortable in his own skin.
“I’m worried,” he began, “about to—”
“You don’t need to worry,” Danny dismissed him. “I will be there. I will make sure everything is alright.”
“Promise?”
“Of course I promise.”
They looked at their reflections once more. Danny wrapped his arm around Leland’s shoulder and held him tight. If Leland squinted, he could pretend that they were together.
“Tonight,” Danny said, “you’ll remember forever.”
“Hey Mister Wells,” Danny said casually, not skipping a beat.
“Danny,” his father replied, though his eyes were on Leland. “Why are you all dolled up?”
“That was me,” Danny said. “I’m taking Leland out for a little get-together with friends at the Fleet Hall. For his birthday.”
His father took another drink of the beer, gaze not leaving the two of them. “Is that so?”
Danny nodded and began to walk towards the door, seemingly completely unfazed by the climate in the room. He motioned for Leland to follow him, but Leland stayed in his dad’s sight, unsure if he was needing permission or not before proceeding. The two stared each other down for a moment. Under his father’s watch, he began to believe how stupid he must look. His father sitting before him in his soiled work clothes, having to work tirelessly to keep the family fed, keep their renting situation afloat, while he was wearing a collection of luxuries whose monetary value would have been better spent towards food or rent or… anything, really. His cheeks began to burn and he considered calling the whole thing off right then.
“How late are you going to be?” his father said.
“I, uh, I think I am just going to stay over at Danny’s after, after the show.”
He took another swig. They both turned to look at the door to his mother’s room. It had been a few days since Leland had last seen her.
“She’s fine,” his father explained. “And she wishes you a happy birthday. But you know how she gets.”
“Yeah.”
“Really, Leland, she—.”
“I get it.”
His father’s shoulders slackened and he set his beer down on the table beside the armchair. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, fingers woven together. Leland had always remarked his father’s eyes, a cool steel grey, and wondered why it was that he had been settled with brown himself. Unremarkable, average brown. Even now, his father’s eyes gave his serious expression an added weight, and added sense of import to every word.
“Okay. Have a good time,” his father said. Hidden beneath the words was an added message — be careful.
Danny grinned and opened the door, leaving it open behind him as he headed down towards the exit of the apartment building. Leland’s father listened for Danny’s footsteps to fade down the hallway before turning his attention back on his glamoured son.
“Watch him, son,” his father said, leaning back into his chair. “If you’re not careful, he will take you where you don’t want to go.”
Leland didn’t know how to respond to that and simply nodded before hurrying out the door.
Danny sat down beside Leland with an energetic plop. He nudged him with his elbow and a smile, either not noticing Leland’s subdued attitude or ignoring it completely. Leland scootched over on the seat, suddenly aware of how much room he was taking up. He tried to force a smile in return but it was of little use. His ears popped a little from the change in altitude as the bathysphere continued to fall.
“Your dad really doesn’t like me, eh?” Danny said after a moment. “Like really doesn’t like me.”
“He likes you fine,” Leland lied. He rubbed the fabric of his dress shirt between his fingers. “It’s me he doesn’t like.”
Danny looked over at him, but said nothing. He began playing with a ring that Leland had never seen before. On his ring finger was a silver and black band. The middle black piece rotated freely from the rest of the band and Danny was spinning it back and forth almost absentmindedly. When he clued in to Leland’s intrigue he smiled and closed his fist.
“New ring?”
“Old ring,” he replied. “New inscription.”
“Can I see it?”
Danny shook his head. “It’s a secret.”
Their gaze locked for a moment and Leland considered pushing the issue forward, but he knew Danny well enough to know that if it was a secret than it would stay one. That was the one thing he could always count on when it came to Danny. Regardless of how unreliable he felt, how spontaneous, how loose and wild and unpredictable, that would always remain constant. Danny knew how to keep a secret. Often they were Danny’s own, even if that meant destroying himself in the process. Every now and then the negativity inside Danny would reach its breaking point and it would come out in unexpected ways. Leland could only know of the times it occurred when he was around, but he was certain there were far more. The appearance of new scars along his skin was evidence of that.
“You’re excited for tonight, right?”
“Why is tonight so important to you?” Leland asked. “I didn’t say I wanted to do this.”
“You never want to do anything, Leland. If I weren’t here, what would happen to you? What would you do? You’d’ve stayed in your room all night for your birthday. If I don’t push you, you just stand still. Don’t you want this? Want to live a remarkable interesting life? Meet new people, get with them, fall in love? That’s what tonight is about. We are going to go the Bottom of the Sea and I am going to be the best wingman you’ve ever had, and we are going to get you laid, and who knows, maybe you’ll even fall in love. That sounds like a good night to me, doesn’t it sound like one to you?”
Leland remained silent. He tried thinking about what he wanted and what others wanted from him, but could never quite come up with an answer. Every time he tried it was like water escaping through the cracks of his fingers. Perhaps Danny was right. Perhaps this is what he wanted, this night was what he wanted. Everyone seemed to want these things. It was all anyone ever talked about at school. Dating and sleeping with each other and losing their virginity and sex and conquests. But for whatever reason, whenever Leland heard those conversations or thought about those things for himself he felt a darkness inside him like slowly being submerged in ice water. Was he just scared? Or was he not like everyone else?
He trusted Danny, didn’t he? Danny wouldn’t knowingly put him in harm’s way. They had known each other almost all of their lives and while it had certainly gotten him into trouble here and there, it never felt like it was with malicious intent. Maybe all he needed to do was try it, just once, and the feeling would go away, this feeling like he was broken inside, that he could drown. It could be that he was just scared, scared and nervous about this great unknown and all he had to do was take the plunge and then he’d resurface a normal boy. Just like everyone else.
“Fine,” Leland said. “I’ll do it.”
Danny grinned. “I’m glad to hear that.” He said it like it was already a foregone conclusion. That it would be the endpoint to that conversation whether or not Leland approved. As if Leland didn’t really have a choice in the matter at all whether or not they would go to the Bottom of the Sea, whether or not they would try and get him laid, whether or not he was even friends with Danny in the first place.
Of course he didn’t have a choice.
Danny was a force and often Leland wondered if he even decided things on his own at all, or if Danny’s influence was truly inseparable from his own actions.
The bathysphere pulled into the station of Fort Frolic. They waited for the vehicle to stabilize and emerge from the water. With a hiss the pressure locks came undone and the glass door swung open. Danny jumped out and took in the sights and sounds of Rapture’s entertainment street with a particular energetic enthusiasm. He wheeled around and faced Leland with a contagious grin. Leland could feel himself fall into it once again, this magnetism that Danny exerted. His stupid draw that pulled you into his worldview and made you believe everything was alight. It was something else, of course, but Leland was beginning to suspect that he was not the only one being pulled into this, but perhaps Danny himself, too.
Danny led them down the street, heading towards the bar. There was the sense in the air with Danny that he was not unlike certain dogs, completely confident in where they are going even if they have no idea. Danny exuded this quality in everything he did. With enough confidence, you could convince the world of who you are, even if you had no idea who that was.
Eventually they found themselves on the top floor of Poseidon Plaza, outside Rapture Records. Danny was checking the Bottom of the Sea flyer for signs of an address, a location. He knew it was a part of Fort Frolic and the Poseidon Plaza, but try as hard as they might, they could find little sign of its existence anywhere on the streets. No advertisements, no directions, no listings. Eve’s Garden, the strip club catering to the men of Rapture meanwhile was everywhere. Signs and advertisements inviting the patron to come “bite the apple” and see its star Jolene were never far from sight. The Bottom of the Sea, in comparison was a ghost, a shadow, hidden from all public view.
While Danny brazenly asked around for directions for Rapture’s gay bar, Leland took to browsing the music store. He had always loved music, but, especially now, his family could never afford to buy records or a gramophone to play them on. It was only on his excursions with Danny or when he stayed at Danny’s near-mansion that he could really take the time to enjoy it. At the moment his favourite was a French song called “La Vie en Rose”. Whenever it came on when he was out with Danny, no matter what else was going on, both of them would immediately fall silent, close their eyes and let the song wash over them. Leland loved these moments. Loved being with Danny when he heard it. They never talked then, of course, and with their eyes closed, one would think it was just like being alone, but it never was. Even in the darkness, he could feel Danny with him. And it was in those moments that he believe maybe Danny felt the same way. There was always something a little off about Danny, a sense that he was always both himself and not himself, but as they listened to that song, even Danny couldn’t keep pretending. Or so Leland told himself.
He came across a poster advertising an upcoming record. On the poster stood a beautiful woman singing into a microphone, with the notorious Sander Cohen beside her. It announced that Sander Cohen’s newest songbird Elizabeth had recorded a song — “You Belong to Me” — and that it would be playing over the Rapture airwaves soon. Leland barely registered all of that though, instead he was taken aback by the expression on the woman’s face. Something in her eyes made Leland pause. She seemed so incredibly alone.
Danny clasped Leland’s shoulder, shocking him from his thought. “After a lot of strange looks, I found it,” he said. “C’mon. Your big night awaits.”
Leland reluctantly left the record store and followed Danny to an elevator at the end of the plaza. They entered it and Danny punched the button for the basement. As the elevator rickety descended, Leland couldn’t help but think back on that woman. He wondered what her story was. Who she was. Something about her stuck with him even as the elevator doors opened and he was met with a neon glow at the end of a large corridor. It was the glow from the Bottom of the Sea, hidden away from even the accepted scandal of Fort Frolic.
They stood outside the bar, faces awash in the glare from the neon sign. By the door was a blown up version of the flyer Danny had shown him back in the diner. It was clear at this was it and that the door marked a threshold. Danny, as per usual, was plastered with a grin, but Leland was anything but. Even now the doubt crept inside him. Everything was telling him that this was something that he didn’t want, that he didn’t want to cross forward into the establishment, that fancy clothes could never really make up for who he was. And then there was Danny. Danny with his stupid beautiful grin and his stupid possession of his heart. He looked at Danny hoping that for once he would see Leland as he really was, but again, Danny refused. The space between them was too wide a gap to bridge, and Danny was convinced of the world they lived in.
“I’ll be by your side the whole time,” Danny said. “I promise. I’ll find you someone good.”
“You promise you’ll stay with me or you promise you’ll find me someone?”
“Both,” he smirked.
“Danny, I really don’t th—.”
“Leland, look. I know this is scary, okay? I know. But you have to trust me. This is what everyone wants, right? This is what normal boys like us do. They party. They have sex. They have a good time. Don’t you want that? Don’t you want to be normal?”
Leland felt a coldness nip at his feet, slowly rising. “Okay,” he said. “Okay.”
“Everything is going to be fine,” Danny assured. “This is Rapture. We can become whatever we want so long as we fight for it.”
“I said okay.”
Danny smiled. “Okay.”
There was no one who looked like Leland to be seen. No one fat and unspliced. Any larger than average man were large simply because of the ballooning of their muscles, veins bulging. There were many men who looked like Danny. Fit and beautiful and charismatic. Even they however showed signs of splicing if Leland looked hard enough.
Leland felt the cold sensation rise up his legs as he pressed forward into the crowd. He tried to find some place to sit, to take a breath, to regain composure, but most were filled. There was no way that this night was going to work out, even if he had wanted to do it. Even if he agreed enthusiastically from the start, standing around with these people, Leland knew that none of them would ever want him in that way. How could anyone so aware of their own insecurities that they injected themselves with ADAM to change them fall for someone who was the very flaws they were so terrified of to begin with? They all wanted to so desperately to be fit and thin and masculine how could they let themselves go for someone who stood in the face of all that? Surrounded by their fleshy bodies, crowded, suffocating, Leland worried — if he could afford to, would he be just like them? Was he fundamentally against plasmids and splicing for ethical, moral reasons, or was the only thing keeping him from it the lack of funds? If he could, would he become them?
He turned around to tell Danny that he had enough, that he wanted to leave, that he couldn’t breathe and that he felt like crying, but Danny was nowhere to be seen. From every corner he was surrounded by the grotesque misshapen patrons and splicers. The band’s music was too loud. The screams from the men for the strippers to take it off rang in his ears. The cold reached his hips and sweat began to fall from his face. Leland needed out of this carnival, away from these house of mirrors men.
Forcing through the crowd, he was able to make his way toward the bathroom and practically burst through the door panting. He thought about hiding away from it all in a bathroom stall, but in his anxiety over the evening had forgotten to bring change with him and wouldn’t be able to pay the stall toll. Not that it mattered anyway, from his position in front of the sink and mirror, he could make out the sounds of men f*cking from the stalls themselves. Either in one or underneath between two he couldn’t be sure, but he didn’t want to know. The coldness rose up his chest. He splashed water on his face, tried to remain calm, but it was to no avail. Each breath hurt more than the one before it. Where was Danny?
“I remember you,” a voice said behind him. “You were with that cocky f*ck back at the diner.”
Leland looked up to see a man in the reflection of the mirror. It was the older man from the diner, the one who had come up to them at their table. He realized now why the man had looked flustered back then, it was because Danny had been talking about the Bottom of the Sea, that was why he came up to them. Because he thought they were like him.
“Where’s your little cheesegot pal?”
Leland shook his head, not even being able to form the words through his breathing. The man pressed up behind him and Leland could feel the stranger’s dick press against his back. Coldness reached Leland’s heart. Terrified, he tried to run toward the exit but the man grabbed him by the collar and tossed him back into the open stall he had emerged from. His shirt tore from the force and Leland stumbled backwards onto the toilet, back aching from hitting the pipes.
“Gonna teach you a lesson about respecting your f*cking elders,” the man said, closing the stall door behind him. He grabbed Leland by the hair and yanked his head back. “You’re going to regret being friends with that piece of shit, you fat f*ck.”
Tears ran down Leland’s face as the man kept his grip firm. He unzipped his pants and pulled out his monstrous dick, spliced beyond human means. Leland shut his eyes from the sight, and tried to pull away, but the man merely gripped tighter on the back of his head. He smacked Leland’s mouth with his cock and pushed it against his lips. The coldness reached his throat and he felt like he was drowning. He wanted to scream, to call out, but no words left him. This was it.
“Leland?” Danny called out. “Are you in here?”
“Da—.” The man muffled Leland’s mouth. Leland struggled against him, trying to make noise, any noise, so that Danny would stay, would find him. It was clear to the man that Leland wasn’t giving up, and in a hastened attempt to cover up the evidence, began tucking himself back into his pants, loosening his grip on Leland. He jerked free of the man and kicked him hard in the groin. The man cursed and crumpled against the stall wall just enough for Leland to push past him and out the stall.
Danny’s gold eyes were wide at the sight of his friend. Leland’s face was stained with tears and, seeing his reflection behind Danny, he now realized blood. The luxurious clothes Danny had boughten him were torn and ruffled and riddled in blood and dirt and tears. The spell had broken.
“Leland… what’s going on?”
Leland pushed past Danny and back into the bar proper. He forced his way through the crowd and out the door. From his reflection he knew he was still crying, but he could barely feel it now. Everything felt numb and cold and frozen like he had been submerged. His head was ringing and he could faintly make out the sounds of Danny calling out for him behind him, but he never stopped. He kept running as fast as his sore body would take him. Upon entering the elevator at the end of the hall he pressed the button for the plaza and watched as the gate closed in front of him. Danny ran towards him shouting something, saying something, but Leland could barely make it out. The elevator cranked upwards and soon Danny was gone.
This is Rapture, Danny would always say. This is f*cking Rapture. It doesn’t matter who you were or are, all that matters is that you work hard, that you fight for what you want at any cost and screw everyone else over in the process. With the sweat of your brow, Rapture could become your city and its wealth and capital and opportunities yours in return. Leland thought about his father and his friends, struggling to pay rent, to buy food, to support their families. He thought about this crummy bar and the people within it, hidden away in Rapture’s basement like a shameful secret, splicing themselves stupid trying to reach an impossible ideal. He thought about himself, a fat, dull, boring boy who would never amount to anything in this city, who would never be normal, who would never belong, who would likely become homeless and starve as Andrew Ryan’s Big Daddies took all the available work and then be blamed for it. Perhaps Atlas, whoever that was, was right.
Rapture wasn’t a utopia for boys like Leland. Was it really a utopia for anyone?
(trigger warning for sexual assault)
RAPTURE
NOVEMBER 30th, 1958
NOVEMBER 30th, 1958
—
“We are always participating in something larger than ourselves.”
-Allan G. Johnson-
—
“We are always participating in something larger than ourselves.”
-Allan G. Johnson-
—
None of this really registered to Leland at the time, however. He was too aware of how his belly felt a little snug in the booth, and that he had to unbutton his vest before sitting down lest the fabric tear even more than it already had. The threading had begun to come undone in spots, but it was the nicest thing he owned. The unspoken dress code (and price range) for the businesses on High Street was often enough reason for him to keep his distance, but Danny insisted they met there that night. Leland’s eighteenth birthday was coming up and presumably Danny concocted some big plan to celebrate. There always was some grand notion with him; whether it was a birthday or a simple dinner, he needed to live loud. He could afford to, after all.
The door chimed and then -- Danny.
Shoulders back, standing tall, he stopped in the entrance and scanned the room. He, too, was wearing a black vest, but even from where Leland sat he could see it was in better condition, recently ironed, made of a pricier material. His pinstriped black slacks put his own to shame as well. In fact, the only thing that looked even remotely equal about them was likely the simple white button-up dress shirt beneath it all. Though Leland was sure that, upon closer look, even that would reveal itself to be above his own. But none of that really mattered, not anymore, because right then, Danny spotted him and grinned the most stupid beautiful grin. That was the thing about Danny, you just couldn’t help being drawn into his ridiculous crazy orbit and smile yourself stupid, too.
Danny slid into the booth with ease and rested his arms on the table between them. With both their sleeves rolled up, their skin grazed against the other’s. Leland looked down at the contact with the lightest of smiles, not wanting to let on too much. On the inside of Danny’s forearms chemical reactions were tattooed. Another of Danny’s brilliant plans. It took them days to pinprick tattoo his arms. He had suggested to Danny that they go to a professional — or whatever passed for one down here — but he wouldn’t hear of it. It mattered immeasurably to Danny that they be done by Leland’s hand. At least, that’s what Leland told himself as his partner never let on any real explanation. He believed he knew the reason behind the markings, behind himself being the one to mark him, but he didn’t dare ask if any of it were true. If it weren’t, he wasn’t sure he could bear it. So they both stayed quiet.
He felt so warm, though. Like the heat coursed through Danny’s veins, radiating the world around him. Even their slight touch now began to cause beads of sweat form around Leland’s brow. Normally such a thing would bother him, remind him of how large he was, how uncomfortable he almost always was, but not now. Not this time. No, now he wanted nothing more than to simply close his eyes, to feel tethered to no one in that diner but Danny, and tethered by nothing more than skin on skin, heat passing from one to the other.
Danny raised his arm off the table, breaking the connection, to flag a waitress. “Could I get a cola for the lad here?” He gave Leland a knowingly glance and a wink, and left it at that. Leland rushed to wipe the sweat away with the back of his hand, suddenly feeling embarrassed and present. Outside the diner, Leland could make out a couple looking out one of the large glass windows to the open sea. What must it be like above the surface, to look out the window of a diner and see the street, see outside, see birds and vehicles and insects, to see a breeze blow a man’s hat off and away? He wondered if, above the surface, he’d be the type to stare longingly for the sea, instead of longingly for the sky.
The waitress sat the glass down with a thunk. Leland thanked her and as soon as she left, ran his fingers along the condensation forming on the glass. He pushed it over to Danny who took a big drink, watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed with each sip, and that was when he noticed the large medical bandage on his friend’s neck. Leland hadn’t noticed it before now, as the colour of the bandage blended with his dress shirt, but sure enough, there it was, covering the left side of his neck and appearing to even continue along his shoulder a bit before disappearing under his clothes.
Danny caught him looking and grinned. “It’s nothing. Cut myself shaving. Can you believe it takes work to look this good? I can hardly believe it myself.” He pushed the glass across the table, back to Leland. “Enough of that though,” he said after Leland took a sip. “We got ourselves more important things.”
Leland rolled his eyes. “What brilliant plan have you cooked us this time, oh Danny boy?”
“Shut it.” He laughed. “I didn’t cook us anything. Instead I saw us an opportunity.”
“An opportunity,” Leland echoed.
“That’s right.” He leaned in close, voice dropping to a whisper. “Leland, what marks the difference between a boy and a man? Hm?”
Leland swallowed. “Don’t ‘spose it’s a simple birthday, eh?”
“Nah, nah, nah. C’mon, Lee. Ought’a dream bigger than that.”
“Bigger, bolder, brighter,” Leland muttered.
“Yes, in fact. All fantastic words.” His breath smelled of spearmint. “Alliteration is actually the name of the game tonight, my friend, as you and I are going to the Bottom of the Sea.”
Leland sat back in the booth, a confused look smacked on his round pale face. “We’re already at the bottom of the sea, mate.”
Now it was Danny with the confused look, almost hesitant, as if he had miscalculated. “You… really don’t know?”
“Know what?”
It was at that moment that another patron walked by their booth. An older gentleman with a stocky build came up to their table and eyed the tattoos along Danny’s arms. Something about the sweat forming along the man’s brows gave Leland the sense that he knew something that he didn’t, and that he had likely been listening to their conversation. The man barely registered Leland’s presence at all, as far as Leland could tell, as the man’s eyes set upon Danny’s like a hunger burned behind them. The man rubbed his chin before speaking.
“What those writings on your arm mean, son?”
Danny could barely hold back the eye roll. It was a question he had heard over and over, ever since they’d been completed. No matter how many times anyone asked however — no matter who asked, for that matter — he never let on their meaning.
Danny returned the inspecting look back at the older gentlemen, who it was clear now had been sporting some Plasmid upgrades. The man’s arms were muscular, far too muscular to match the rest of the man’s physique. There was also certain… evidence to suggest other appendages had been spliced, but Leland tried not to think about it too much. Danny, however, sized the man up, as if he was carefully rolling the idea of everything this man was in his mind, once, twice, thrice, before finally speaking.
“It’s the chemical reaction for f*ck off,” Danny said, his voice hardly matching the hostility of his words. He was, of course, grinning like a fool. Or a madman, perhaps. The two so often blurred.
The man’s fists clenched and his pale skin turned a deeper shade of blood. He looked over at Leland for what must’ve been the first time, as if searching for support, or, merely evidence that Danny was at all legitimate.
“That ain’t the way to talk to someone superior than yourself,” the man spat out.
“This is Rapture.” Danny reached for Leland’s glass and took a sip. “You ain’t superior to jack shit down here.”
When Leland didn’t seem to give the man the support he wanted he turned on his heel and left. Danny turned to Leland and rolled his eyes. “The world don’t belong to men like that,” he said.
Leland ran his finger in the watermark where his glass had been. Who did the world belong to if not men like that? Them? Every day it felt less so than the one before, though there was no telling Danny that. It often felt that it could be raining in Rapture, and Danny would simply choose not to notice it.
“F*ck that guy,” Danny said. “This is Rapture,” he repeated, though for whom Leland couldn’t decide. “My body is none of his damned business, is it? Everyone’s their own island under this dark sea. That guy does not deserve to be here.”
Leland reached over for the glass and took a drink. The idea of everyone being an island, separate from the others, caused a loneliness in his heart, and he knew not to mention it.
“Speaking of.” Danny reached into one of the pockets on his vest. “Look at the next disgrace to Rapture.” He pulled out a small poster out of his pocket, unfolded it and tossed it across the table to Leland. The poster was a stylized portrait of a man in a white button up shirt with suspenders set against a yellow backdrop. The man had his hand outstretched toward the viewer, and behind him a depiction of Rapture’s skyline, though the building were clearly deteriorating and corrupt. The text read:
RAPTURE: UTOPIA FOR THE FEW, NOT THE MANY.
RECLAIM YOUR CITY!
JOIN ATLAS, THE VOICE OF THE PEOPLE.
“Can you believe that?” Danny shook his head like the very notion behind the poster was laughable. “Whoever this Atlas fellow is, he sure don’t know much about how Rapture works. Blaming his own shortcomings on the city. If he has a problem with his lot in life, he should work to change it, not just demand the city council to cater to him.”
Leland ran his fingers along the side of the poster, over the image of Rapture’s skyline. He could feel something click into place inside him, like an understanding buried deep within finally locking into its proper place, beginning to take notice. It was at that point that he was able to put words to the whispers he had been hearing around the diner. The whispers hadn’t been just idle chatter like he originally dismissed them as. No, now he could hear them for what they were. Worries. Concerns. The nationalization of Frank Fontaine’s business caused unrest among the citizens of Rapture’s so-called free market society, and word was that the City Council was planning something in the coming days. Even among the more well-to-do types of Rapture’s High Street, doubt about Rapture and about Andrew Ryan was beginning to spread. Was Atlas wrong? Or was Rapture not the utopia it claimed to be? Leland could tell Danny settled with Rapture. But himself… he couldn’t be sure.
He had always known that his and Danny’s perspectives didn’t line up quite right, like factory-reject jigsaw pieces. They looked similar, could even fit together at times if enough force was applied, but they would never actually connect fully. There would always be space between them — space that Danny simply couldn’t comprehend even existing, let alone the realities of what they were. He often tried to ignore the gap between them, tell himself he was overreacting, tell himself it didn’t matter or that he was imagining it. Seeing the poster, seeing those feeling put into words, brought them all back to the surface and made them impossible to ignore. If it came to it, would he and Danny fall on opposing sides in the fight for Rapture?
Danny ripped the poster from Leland’s hands, crumpled it up, and tossed it aside.
“Forget about that,” Danny said. “Don’t need to worry about that shit tonight, do you? We’ve got more important plans — what with you becoming a man and all.”
“Right.” He had almost forgotten about that after that man had interrupted them before. “You didn’t really—”
He tossed a small advertisement onto the table between them. With a trademark grin, Danny added, “After tonight, your virginity is going to be a thing of the past, my friend.”
Leland’s breath caught in his throat. The table pressed snug against his stomach, sweat forming along his brows, as he reached forward and picked up the small leaflet from the table. It was promoting one of the local bars here in Rapture. The image was of a shirtless muscular man with blond hair and a chiseled jaw. Hoisted on his shoulder was a large drill, and in his other arm was a diver’s helmet. The man looked at the viewer with a suggestive eye raise and shining white teeth. There was a noticeably over sized bulge, right above the words “Big Daddy” on the poster. Leland stared at the image in a mix of fear and shock. It wasn’t just any old bar, but a bar for homosexuals.
CELEBRATING RAPTURE’S MEN OF STEEL
“BIG DADDY” NIGHT
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA
“You really didn’t know,” Danny said quietly, seriously, leaning forward, his voice more of a whisper. “It’s okay. You can relax. It’s not a big deal.”
“I never — why would — I….”
“I’m your best friend, Leland. Of course I knew.” He looks so serious, more than Leland could ever remember him looking. “All those times we talked about girls. You never were actually interested, were you? But you also never made it with a gu—” He paused, looking around the diner. “With someone like that. You never did anything about it. Never took action.” He reached across the table, put his hand on top of Leland’s. “Look, I’m trying to help you. It’s not a big deal if you’re… like that, okay. This is Rapture.”
This is Rapture, Leland repeated to himself. He looked up at Danny’s big gold eyes and felt warm. Danny believed in that, in this place, so much that Leland found it hard not to. Even though he knew that This is Rapture could only ever count for so much, it was hard not to be pulled into believing it by Danny and his enthusiasm and his faith for this place and what it stood for. So much so, that even though he had a countless list of reservations about Danny’s accusations, and his plans and going to this place and… losing his virginity, he found himself nodding his head ever so slightly.
This spread Danny’s lips into a wide smile and Leland wished so much that they could simply live in that moment. For Danny’s hand to never leave his, for his smile to always be directed towards him, for the soft music to always surrounded them, for the endless potential life seemed to have in that moment. But of course, life moved on, and Danny’s hand did leave his, and his smile slowly vanished, and the noise of the other patrons filled the air once more.
“It’s settled then,” Danny said, before tipping the glass up in a small toast before drinking what remained of the Coca-Cola they’d been sharing. “Tonight, you become a man.”
- - -
Leland fixated on his appearance in the cracked body length mirror he kept in his bedroom. Any minute now, Danny would be there to get ready and then they’d be off and nothing would be the same after. He still had reservations of course — too many to list even — and the mere thought of what might happen that night at the Bottom of the Sea made his stomach knot and acid rise in his throat. But Danny would be there, and if Danny was there maybe it would be okay.
Looking at himself now though, he was struck by how much he was. Too much, in fact. Too fat, too wide, too sweaty, too nervous, too bland, too featureless. Most of the time he could pretend he was none of these things. Through his eyes, he felt skinny and normal, like he couldn’t actually imagine what skinner than this would look and feel like, but that illusion was tenuous, broken every time he caught his reflection, whether that be in shiny surfaces, or the looks and behaviours of others. The world was frequently reminding him that it was not built for boys like him. Every booth in every overpriced diner was too tight. All clothes too small. Each chair too rickety. Boys like him were nowhere to be seen in the advertisements, on the television, in the portrayals of the ideal, desired, Rapture Life.
And now he was meant to go to a club where all those feelings would be cranked up to eleven. Where the boys were fit and muscular and good-looking. Where he would be too big for the bar stools, too warm for the climate, too ugly to be noticed. If he even wanted to be noticed that was. He still couldn’t tell if he was reluctantly going for himself or for Danny. He couldn’t voice any of these concerns to Danny anyway. He had before in the past, but the responses were always the same — an enthusiastic denial of Leland’s reality in favour of his own. How he wished he could live in that world of Danny’s himself, where nothing was too tight, too awkward, too small. A world designed for boys like him, where he could click into place with ease. He knew he never would — that was a world built for boys like Danny — but he would also never stop trying.
Leland lifted his shirt and looked at his chest in the mirror. He ran his fingers along the blue and purple stretch marks that framed his body. The skin was raised and smooth like scar tissue. It riddled his skin like a treasure map to nowhere and he sighed. How would he ever face someone like this? Be vulnerable like this? The demands of such relationships felt like an immense and inescapable pressure. Not even with Danny could he be this exposed. The few times they went somewhere it would be required, like the swimming pools, he either made an excuse not to go, or refused to take off his shirt. It wasn’t that he feared Danny would make fun of him — he was even pretty sure Danny wouldn’t think much of it at all — but he cared too much himself to buy into Danny’s philosophy. Perhaps everyone had parts of themselves they wish they could hide away from the world. But then again, everyone else in Rapture had already spliced them all away.
He pulled down his shirt when he heard the sound of the front door opening. Acid rose higher in his throat as he took to staring himself down in the cracked mirror. This was a terrible idea and he knew he should just tell Danny that, tell him that he didn’t want to go to the bar and he didn’t want to have sex and he didn’t want to do this. But soon Danny would be there with him in his room. Danny would come up beside him and look into the mirror and it will be as if they are looking at completely different images. He’ll make Leland feel like all of this is actually possible for boys like him and that he could be normal. Soon he’d be agreeing to the idea, maybe even excited for it, somehow, as if he never had any real choice in the matter. Danny’s pull was powerful and relentless.
Danny entered the room like he lived there and plopped down on Leland’s bed. He was already made up and ready to go, swapping out white button up from earlier in the day with a rich red one. His tie was red and black houndstooth and he looked like a force to be reckoned with. In his hand was a boutique bag from Maison Vosges and when he saw Leland looking at it he cracked a big grin.
“Gotta look nice on your big night,” he said. He tossed Leland the bag and watched him as he emptied it carefully on the end of the bed.
“This is too much,” Leland said as he looked over the expensive clothes Danny had picked out for them. Each of them still carried their price tag and Leland wondered if it was because Danny wanted to know how much he was spending on Leland, or if Danny really didn’t have any idea the financial discrepancies between them. Were the price tags left on to remind Leland, or because Danny was really just that oblivious to why they would make him uncomfortable?
“It’s nothing,” Danny replied. “It’s an event.” The smile faded slightly. “You’ll remember tonight forever.”
Leland took a deep breath, tried to calm himself down, as he looked over the clothes once more. They were the nicest things he ever owned. But it all seemed pointless. All of this, for one night, for one moment. He picked up the slacks and marveled at the stitching, and the quality of the fabric. His own had far too many little knicks and tears, so many broken seams having to be stitched back together by hand. It was hard to resist it, to let himself fall into the night. To feel glamorous and worthy. So he let himself. It was all pretend anyway. Tomorrow he would wake up and be back to his normal life. Back to loose threads and tight shirts. Back to being bland, unremarkable Leland.
He unzipped his ratty pants and let them fall to the floor. Danny’s eyes were on him, he could tell, but he tried not to let it bother him as he slipped on his new slacks. They felt so smooth against his skin and he wondered briefly if this was what rich felt like. Leland looked at himself in the mirror, and already he could feel himself start to change. It was still him, of course, and he was still fat, but now there was something else he couldn’t put his finger on quite yet. When he turned around to grab the shirt, Danny was watching him attentively.
“What?”
“Nothing,” Danny replied. “I’m glad they fit.”
Leland rubbed the fabric of the shirt between his fingers. Rich and smooth. “Can you close your eyes?” he asked nervously.
Danny looked hurt, briefly, as if upset that Leland didn’t trust him. But he did what he was asked and closed his eyes, even covered them with his arm. Leland gave a weak smile and began to unbutton his old shirt. He hesitated before removing his shirt, worried that Danny would spring forth and take in the monstrosity that was his body, but he never did. The scratchy white button up fell to the ground unremarked and Danny held to his word. They stayed there frozen for a moment together: Danny with his eyes still covered, and Leland with his body exposed. He considered for a moment what it would be like if he told Danny to open his eyes. To let himself be vulnerable with his best friend, to let him see the scars he tried so hard to pretend didn’t exist. But then he saw the price still left on his new shirt, and remembered that Danny was of a different world. He slipped on the new shirt, buttoned it up, and tore the price tag off.
Leland tucked his shirt in, tore off the last tag from his pants, before telling Danny he could open his eyes. Danny seemed to light up at the sight, but didn’t say anything. He got up from the bed and walked over to Leland. His grip was firm but comforting as he took both of Leland’s shoulders in his hands and smiled. There was still the matter of the vest and tie before the illusion was complete. Leland slipped on the vest while Danny readied the tie. The vest was dark with an intricate design and, unsurprisingly, it too felt expensive.
Danny began to tie Leland’s tie for him. Their bodies were close and he could feel Danny’s breath against his skin. He smelled of cinnamon and old spice. For a moment Leland considered embracing the illusion, the pretend, completely. In this make believe world where he was rich and glamorous and worthy, would they not be together? Would he not lean forward and close the distance between them? Would they not be happy? An intense draw existed between him and Danny, he was sure of it, but the question remained whether Danny felt it, too. But maybe even in Danny’s world, the reality of Leland’s body was an obstacle. He did not lean forward.
“There,” Danny said as he pulled the last knot tight and straightened out the tie. “Dapper as f*ck,” he said, spinning Leland around to look into the mirror.
And there it was. The image of themselves together in that cracked reflection. Danny beaming bright and intense and Leland… He understood it now, what he had seen earlier in the mirror, that quality about him that he couldn’t place. Leland looked like both himself and not himself. Decked from head to toe in expensive luxuries, he realized that in this world of pretend, he could afford to look like he did. With enough money, even someone like Leland could afford to be fat and dull. It felt not unlike a magic spell had been put over him and he could feel himself fall into the night and the make believe and the idea that he could be normal. All magic comes to an end eventually, that he knew, but for now, he could breathe a little easier, could feel a little more comfortable in his own skin.
“I’m worried,” he began, “about to—”
“You don’t need to worry,” Danny dismissed him. “I will be there. I will make sure everything is alright.”
“Promise?”
“Of course I promise.”
They looked at their reflections once more. Danny wrapped his arm around Leland’s shoulder and held him tight. If Leland squinted, he could pretend that they were together.
“Tonight,” Danny said, “you’ll remember forever.”
- - -
Leland and Danny left his room to find Leland’s father sitting in the living room just beyond. His face covered with dirt and grime, he took a swig of the fresh beer he grabbed from the fridge just moments prior. Leland’s father worked as a mechanic and engineer charged with maintaining Rapture’s integrity against the sea. It was a job that was becoming increasingly obsolete for many as the Big Daddies had begun to take on the majority of the work leaving little for the human workers to do. His father had survived the latest rounds of layoffs but the same couldn’t be said for many of his friends. How long his father’s employment would last was a frequent concern and tension — one that Danny would never comprehend or notice.
“Hey Mister Wells,” Danny said casually, not skipping a beat.
“Danny,” his father replied, though his eyes were on Leland. “Why are you all dolled up?”
“That was me,” Danny said. “I’m taking Leland out for a little get-together with friends at the Fleet Hall. For his birthday.”
His father took another drink of the beer, gaze not leaving the two of them. “Is that so?”
Danny nodded and began to walk towards the door, seemingly completely unfazed by the climate in the room. He motioned for Leland to follow him, but Leland stayed in his dad’s sight, unsure if he was needing permission or not before proceeding. The two stared each other down for a moment. Under his father’s watch, he began to believe how stupid he must look. His father sitting before him in his soiled work clothes, having to work tirelessly to keep the family fed, keep their renting situation afloat, while he was wearing a collection of luxuries whose monetary value would have been better spent towards food or rent or… anything, really. His cheeks began to burn and he considered calling the whole thing off right then.
“How late are you going to be?” his father said.
“I, uh, I think I am just going to stay over at Danny’s after, after the show.”
He took another swig. They both turned to look at the door to his mother’s room. It had been a few days since Leland had last seen her.
“She’s fine,” his father explained. “And she wishes you a happy birthday. But you know how she gets.”
“Yeah.”
“Really, Leland, she—.”
“I get it.”
His father’s shoulders slackened and he set his beer down on the table beside the armchair. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, fingers woven together. Leland had always remarked his father’s eyes, a cool steel grey, and wondered why it was that he had been settled with brown himself. Unremarkable, average brown. Even now, his father’s eyes gave his serious expression an added weight, and added sense of import to every word.
“Okay. Have a good time,” his father said. Hidden beneath the words was an added message — be careful.
Danny grinned and opened the door, leaving it open behind him as he headed down towards the exit of the apartment building. Leland’s father listened for Danny’s footsteps to fade down the hallway before turning his attention back on his glamoured son.
“Watch him, son,” his father said, leaning back into his chair. “If you’re not careful, he will take you where you don’t want to go.”
Leland didn’t know how to respond to that and simply nodded before hurrying out the door.
- - -
The door of the bathysphere shut with a loud clank and a wheeze as it adjusted to the atmosphere and pressure. Leland sat down in the corner farthest the door and watched as Danny set course for Fort Frolic where they would eventually make their way toward the Bottom of the Sea. Danny turned to look back at his friend with a trademark grin as he pulled the lever to their desired destination. The bathysphere gave a jerk before descending down into the tunnels. They watched themselves slowly submerge, water rising against the glass.
Danny sat down beside Leland with an energetic plop. He nudged him with his elbow and a smile, either not noticing Leland’s subdued attitude or ignoring it completely. Leland scootched over on the seat, suddenly aware of how much room he was taking up. He tried to force a smile in return but it was of little use. His ears popped a little from the change in altitude as the bathysphere continued to fall.
“Your dad really doesn’t like me, eh?” Danny said after a moment. “Like really doesn’t like me.”
“He likes you fine,” Leland lied. He rubbed the fabric of his dress shirt between his fingers. “It’s me he doesn’t like.”
Danny looked over at him, but said nothing. He began playing with a ring that Leland had never seen before. On his ring finger was a silver and black band. The middle black piece rotated freely from the rest of the band and Danny was spinning it back and forth almost absentmindedly. When he clued in to Leland’s intrigue he smiled and closed his fist.
“New ring?”
“Old ring,” he replied. “New inscription.”
“Can I see it?”
Danny shook his head. “It’s a secret.”
Their gaze locked for a moment and Leland considered pushing the issue forward, but he knew Danny well enough to know that if it was a secret than it would stay one. That was the one thing he could always count on when it came to Danny. Regardless of how unreliable he felt, how spontaneous, how loose and wild and unpredictable, that would always remain constant. Danny knew how to keep a secret. Often they were Danny’s own, even if that meant destroying himself in the process. Every now and then the negativity inside Danny would reach its breaking point and it would come out in unexpected ways. Leland could only know of the times it occurred when he was around, but he was certain there were far more. The appearance of new scars along his skin was evidence of that.
“You’re excited for tonight, right?”
“Why is tonight so important to you?” Leland asked. “I didn’t say I wanted to do this.”
“You never want to do anything, Leland. If I weren’t here, what would happen to you? What would you do? You’d’ve stayed in your room all night for your birthday. If I don’t push you, you just stand still. Don’t you want this? Want to live a remarkable interesting life? Meet new people, get with them, fall in love? That’s what tonight is about. We are going to go the Bottom of the Sea and I am going to be the best wingman you’ve ever had, and we are going to get you laid, and who knows, maybe you’ll even fall in love. That sounds like a good night to me, doesn’t it sound like one to you?”
Leland remained silent. He tried thinking about what he wanted and what others wanted from him, but could never quite come up with an answer. Every time he tried it was like water escaping through the cracks of his fingers. Perhaps Danny was right. Perhaps this is what he wanted, this night was what he wanted. Everyone seemed to want these things. It was all anyone ever talked about at school. Dating and sleeping with each other and losing their virginity and sex and conquests. But for whatever reason, whenever Leland heard those conversations or thought about those things for himself he felt a darkness inside him like slowly being submerged in ice water. Was he just scared? Or was he not like everyone else?
He trusted Danny, didn’t he? Danny wouldn’t knowingly put him in harm’s way. They had known each other almost all of their lives and while it had certainly gotten him into trouble here and there, it never felt like it was with malicious intent. Maybe all he needed to do was try it, just once, and the feeling would go away, this feeling like he was broken inside, that he could drown. It could be that he was just scared, scared and nervous about this great unknown and all he had to do was take the plunge and then he’d resurface a normal boy. Just like everyone else.
“Fine,” Leland said. “I’ll do it.”
Danny grinned. “I’m glad to hear that.” He said it like it was already a foregone conclusion. That it would be the endpoint to that conversation whether or not Leland approved. As if Leland didn’t really have a choice in the matter at all whether or not they would go to the Bottom of the Sea, whether or not they would try and get him laid, whether or not he was even friends with Danny in the first place.
Of course he didn’t have a choice.
Danny was a force and often Leland wondered if he even decided things on his own at all, or if Danny’s influence was truly inseparable from his own actions.
The bathysphere pulled into the station of Fort Frolic. They waited for the vehicle to stabilize and emerge from the water. With a hiss the pressure locks came undone and the glass door swung open. Danny jumped out and took in the sights and sounds of Rapture’s entertainment street with a particular energetic enthusiasm. He wheeled around and faced Leland with a contagious grin. Leland could feel himself fall into it once again, this magnetism that Danny exerted. His stupid draw that pulled you into his worldview and made you believe everything was alight. It was something else, of course, but Leland was beginning to suspect that he was not the only one being pulled into this, but perhaps Danny himself, too.
Danny led them down the street, heading towards the bar. There was the sense in the air with Danny that he was not unlike certain dogs, completely confident in where they are going even if they have no idea. Danny exuded this quality in everything he did. With enough confidence, you could convince the world of who you are, even if you had no idea who that was.
Eventually they found themselves on the top floor of Poseidon Plaza, outside Rapture Records. Danny was checking the Bottom of the Sea flyer for signs of an address, a location. He knew it was a part of Fort Frolic and the Poseidon Plaza, but try as hard as they might, they could find little sign of its existence anywhere on the streets. No advertisements, no directions, no listings. Eve’s Garden, the strip club catering to the men of Rapture meanwhile was everywhere. Signs and advertisements inviting the patron to come “bite the apple” and see its star Jolene were never far from sight. The Bottom of the Sea, in comparison was a ghost, a shadow, hidden from all public view.
While Danny brazenly asked around for directions for Rapture’s gay bar, Leland took to browsing the music store. He had always loved music, but, especially now, his family could never afford to buy records or a gramophone to play them on. It was only on his excursions with Danny or when he stayed at Danny’s near-mansion that he could really take the time to enjoy it. At the moment his favourite was a French song called “La Vie en Rose”. Whenever it came on when he was out with Danny, no matter what else was going on, both of them would immediately fall silent, close their eyes and let the song wash over them. Leland loved these moments. Loved being with Danny when he heard it. They never talked then, of course, and with their eyes closed, one would think it was just like being alone, but it never was. Even in the darkness, he could feel Danny with him. And it was in those moments that he believe maybe Danny felt the same way. There was always something a little off about Danny, a sense that he was always both himself and not himself, but as they listened to that song, even Danny couldn’t keep pretending. Or so Leland told himself.
He came across a poster advertising an upcoming record. On the poster stood a beautiful woman singing into a microphone, with the notorious Sander Cohen beside her. It announced that Sander Cohen’s newest songbird Elizabeth had recorded a song — “You Belong to Me” — and that it would be playing over the Rapture airwaves soon. Leland barely registered all of that though, instead he was taken aback by the expression on the woman’s face. Something in her eyes made Leland pause. She seemed so incredibly alone.
Danny clasped Leland’s shoulder, shocking him from his thought. “After a lot of strange looks, I found it,” he said. “C’mon. Your big night awaits.”
Leland reluctantly left the record store and followed Danny to an elevator at the end of the plaza. They entered it and Danny punched the button for the basement. As the elevator rickety descended, Leland couldn’t help but think back on that woman. He wondered what her story was. Who she was. Something about her stuck with him even as the elevator doors opened and he was met with a neon glow at the end of a large corridor. It was the glow from the Bottom of the Sea, hidden away from even the accepted scandal of Fort Frolic.
They stood outside the bar, faces awash in the glare from the neon sign. By the door was a blown up version of the flyer Danny had shown him back in the diner. It was clear at this was it and that the door marked a threshold. Danny, as per usual, was plastered with a grin, but Leland was anything but. Even now the doubt crept inside him. Everything was telling him that this was something that he didn’t want, that he didn’t want to cross forward into the establishment, that fancy clothes could never really make up for who he was. And then there was Danny. Danny with his stupid beautiful grin and his stupid possession of his heart. He looked at Danny hoping that for once he would see Leland as he really was, but again, Danny refused. The space between them was too wide a gap to bridge, and Danny was convinced of the world they lived in.
“I’ll be by your side the whole time,” Danny said. “I promise. I’ll find you someone good.”
“You promise you’ll stay with me or you promise you’ll find me someone?”
“Both,” he smirked.
“Danny, I really don’t th—.”
“Leland, look. I know this is scary, okay? I know. But you have to trust me. This is what everyone wants, right? This is what normal boys like us do. They party. They have sex. They have a good time. Don’t you want that? Don’t you want to be normal?”
Leland felt a coldness nip at his feet, slowly rising. “Okay,” he said. “Okay.”
“Everything is going to be fine,” Danny assured. “This is Rapture. We can become whatever we want so long as we fight for it.”
“I said okay.”
Danny smiled. “Okay.”
- - -
Before entering the bar proper, a man at the front stamped both of their hands after Danny paid entry for the two of them. It became clear quickly that the Bottom of the Sea was by no means a well-off establishment. Immediately upon entering, Leland was hit by how sad and lonely everything seemed, no matter how many flashing lights and layers of neon tried to cover it up. The bar was more packed than usual, Leland assumed, given that there were more bodies than the seating allowed. He supposed this was for the “Big Daddy Night” that was being celebrated. In the center of the bar was a stage upon which three men dressed as Big Daddies were stripping to the amusement and titillation of the litany of men sitting in front of and near the stage. It wasn’t so much the bar itself that caused Leland to regret agreeing to this, but rather its inhabitants. Nearly everyone in sight was spliced beyond belief. Men whose muscles had been genetically altered to be beyond human recognition, looking more and more like brutish monsters than men. In the corners, hiding in darkness, faces crudely covered with cheap masks were ADAM junkies who had been without a fix, their faces disfigured and their minds slipping. Whether it was even safe to be near them, Leland couldn’t hazard a guess, but no one else in the room seemed to notice them. It didn’t end there of course. No matter how hard Leland tried he couldn’t find a single soul that didn’t sport some sort of modification to their genetic makeup. From bigger muscles, to firmer asses, to giant packages. It was like everyone’s insecurities were alight in neon, too, and not just the bar itself.
There was no one who looked like Leland to be seen. No one fat and unspliced. Any larger than average man were large simply because of the ballooning of their muscles, veins bulging. There were many men who looked like Danny. Fit and beautiful and charismatic. Even they however showed signs of splicing if Leland looked hard enough.
Leland felt the cold sensation rise up his legs as he pressed forward into the crowd. He tried to find some place to sit, to take a breath, to regain composure, but most were filled. There was no way that this night was going to work out, even if he had wanted to do it. Even if he agreed enthusiastically from the start, standing around with these people, Leland knew that none of them would ever want him in that way. How could anyone so aware of their own insecurities that they injected themselves with ADAM to change them fall for someone who was the very flaws they were so terrified of to begin with? They all wanted to so desperately to be fit and thin and masculine how could they let themselves go for someone who stood in the face of all that? Surrounded by their fleshy bodies, crowded, suffocating, Leland worried — if he could afford to, would he be just like them? Was he fundamentally against plasmids and splicing for ethical, moral reasons, or was the only thing keeping him from it the lack of funds? If he could, would he become them?
He turned around to tell Danny that he had enough, that he wanted to leave, that he couldn’t breathe and that he felt like crying, but Danny was nowhere to be seen. From every corner he was surrounded by the grotesque misshapen patrons and splicers. The band’s music was too loud. The screams from the men for the strippers to take it off rang in his ears. The cold reached his hips and sweat began to fall from his face. Leland needed out of this carnival, away from these house of mirrors men.
Forcing through the crowd, he was able to make his way toward the bathroom and practically burst through the door panting. He thought about hiding away from it all in a bathroom stall, but in his anxiety over the evening had forgotten to bring change with him and wouldn’t be able to pay the stall toll. Not that it mattered anyway, from his position in front of the sink and mirror, he could make out the sounds of men f*cking from the stalls themselves. Either in one or underneath between two he couldn’t be sure, but he didn’t want to know. The coldness rose up his chest. He splashed water on his face, tried to remain calm, but it was to no avail. Each breath hurt more than the one before it. Where was Danny?
“I remember you,” a voice said behind him. “You were with that cocky f*ck back at the diner.”
Leland looked up to see a man in the reflection of the mirror. It was the older man from the diner, the one who had come up to them at their table. He realized now why the man had looked flustered back then, it was because Danny had been talking about the Bottom of the Sea, that was why he came up to them. Because he thought they were like him.
“Where’s your little cheesegot pal?”
Leland shook his head, not even being able to form the words through his breathing. The man pressed up behind him and Leland could feel the stranger’s dick press against his back. Coldness reached Leland’s heart. Terrified, he tried to run toward the exit but the man grabbed him by the collar and tossed him back into the open stall he had emerged from. His shirt tore from the force and Leland stumbled backwards onto the toilet, back aching from hitting the pipes.
“Gonna teach you a lesson about respecting your f*cking elders,” the man said, closing the stall door behind him. He grabbed Leland by the hair and yanked his head back. “You’re going to regret being friends with that piece of shit, you fat f*ck.”
Tears ran down Leland’s face as the man kept his grip firm. He unzipped his pants and pulled out his monstrous dick, spliced beyond human means. Leland shut his eyes from the sight, and tried to pull away, but the man merely gripped tighter on the back of his head. He smacked Leland’s mouth with his cock and pushed it against his lips. The coldness reached his throat and he felt like he was drowning. He wanted to scream, to call out, but no words left him. This was it.
“Leland?” Danny called out. “Are you in here?”
“Da—.” The man muffled Leland’s mouth. Leland struggled against him, trying to make noise, any noise, so that Danny would stay, would find him. It was clear to the man that Leland wasn’t giving up, and in a hastened attempt to cover up the evidence, began tucking himself back into his pants, loosening his grip on Leland. He jerked free of the man and kicked him hard in the groin. The man cursed and crumpled against the stall wall just enough for Leland to push past him and out the stall.
Danny’s gold eyes were wide at the sight of his friend. Leland’s face was stained with tears and, seeing his reflection behind Danny, he now realized blood. The luxurious clothes Danny had boughten him were torn and ruffled and riddled in blood and dirt and tears. The spell had broken.
“Leland… what’s going on?”
Leland pushed past Danny and back into the bar proper. He forced his way through the crowd and out the door. From his reflection he knew he was still crying, but he could barely feel it now. Everything felt numb and cold and frozen like he had been submerged. His head was ringing and he could faintly make out the sounds of Danny calling out for him behind him, but he never stopped. He kept running as fast as his sore body would take him. Upon entering the elevator at the end of the hall he pressed the button for the plaza and watched as the gate closed in front of him. Danny ran towards him shouting something, saying something, but Leland could barely make it out. The elevator cranked upwards and soon Danny was gone.
This is Rapture, Danny would always say. This is f*cking Rapture. It doesn’t matter who you were or are, all that matters is that you work hard, that you fight for what you want at any cost and screw everyone else over in the process. With the sweat of your brow, Rapture could become your city and its wealth and capital and opportunities yours in return. Leland thought about his father and his friends, struggling to pay rent, to buy food, to support their families. He thought about this crummy bar and the people within it, hidden away in Rapture’s basement like a shameful secret, splicing themselves stupid trying to reach an impossible ideal. He thought about himself, a fat, dull, boring boy who would never amount to anything in this city, who would never be normal, who would never belong, who would likely become homeless and starve as Andrew Ryan’s Big Daddies took all the available work and then be blamed for it. Perhaps Atlas, whoever that was, was right.
Rapture wasn’t a utopia for boys like Leland. Was it really a utopia for anyone?
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