Good, because your new file is noobish. . .
Fanfiction ► Between the Rift
- Thread starter Stavvy
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Miss Murder
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Good job on these, Stavros. The last one does leave questions, but it works. 9/10
I enjoy it! Keep it up, Stavros.
Yay, two more fans, thanks for the support/comments.
Could you possibly read my fanfic "Hearts of Twilight"? I post the Chapters separately, but click on the freewebs link in my Sig to get to my site I post it on.
Stavros could post about now. . . .
Hey, this whole thing was just a practise thing, it was off of the top of my head and went way out there, so right now I'm trying to come up with the basic plot. . .and start getting some foreshadowing in there, so give me time and don't give up on this yet, ok?
Also, Chosen, go write more on your's you big jerk. . .
Also, Chosen, go write more on your's you big jerk. . .
You asked for my attention to this, and here I be.
Yar.
Anyway, that out of the way, I've read over the chapters and I have to say, that I am not fully impressed. Now, before you go taking that the wrong way, it doesn't mean that I don't like your story, I just said I wasn't impressed. Let's look at the strong points of your story:
-- Built on a solid archetype
-- Characters have depth
-- Decent sense of grammar and literacy
-- The chapters are easily digestible (meaning they're not too long)
Alright. That should do us for now. I like the fact that you're story follows a good traditional archetype for an adventure/fantasy kind of story. You stick with something you know so that you don't do a major feck up. This is called playing it smart and it's something many a person could learn about. The characters aren't just your cookie-cutter types. Sure, they're built on classics as well, but at least they have some humanity to them. Good job. You also use decent grammar and literacy which to me, is a huge plus. I get tired of people not being able to cope with writing something in the English language (unless they're just that new to it). So bravo my friend. Also, you put the chapters in digestible lengths. I've seen many a story (both amateur and professional) go to waste because the chapters would become long and drawn out. Boo! This is bad. I've also seen two paragraph chapters that kind of became... redundant and just caused my attention to wander.
Now, let's look at the bad points:
-- Maybe TOO predictable?
-- More explanation
-- Description of your characters
-- Choppy and unorganized in a couple of places
Alright, now for the part everyone hates. While your story follows a decent line, at the same time, it seems almost too predictable. You need to look into giving it a little more color. Add some contrasts to that pastel of yours. It wouldn't be too hard to give it some random elements or to mix the ones you already have a little better. You also need to explain things better. This one could be mixed in with the description note that I made afterwards. For instance... what do the Nocturnes look like? What do you look like? I'm not saying just sit there and describe, but work it into the story... you're on like the 5-6th chapter and I still really don't have a good idea of what Stavros looks like. That is one of the things that makes a story: detail and how to use it properly. Lastly, you seem to become choppy in a couple of places. I think it's because you suffer from random bouts of writer's block, but I could be wrong. Outline your chapter if necessary, then go in and fill in the details. Then, go back and edit and do what you need to do.
I hope this helps you Stavros. I do like the story overall. Gives me something to read.
7.5/10 -- Note that I've never given a 10/10, so consider this a good grade.
Yar.
Anyway, that out of the way, I've read over the chapters and I have to say, that I am not fully impressed. Now, before you go taking that the wrong way, it doesn't mean that I don't like your story, I just said I wasn't impressed. Let's look at the strong points of your story:
-- Built on a solid archetype
-- Characters have depth
-- Decent sense of grammar and literacy
-- The chapters are easily digestible (meaning they're not too long)
Alright. That should do us for now. I like the fact that you're story follows a good traditional archetype for an adventure/fantasy kind of story. You stick with something you know so that you don't do a major feck up. This is called playing it smart and it's something many a person could learn about. The characters aren't just your cookie-cutter types. Sure, they're built on classics as well, but at least they have some humanity to them. Good job. You also use decent grammar and literacy which to me, is a huge plus. I get tired of people not being able to cope with writing something in the English language (unless they're just that new to it). So bravo my friend. Also, you put the chapters in digestible lengths. I've seen many a story (both amateur and professional) go to waste because the chapters would become long and drawn out. Boo! This is bad. I've also seen two paragraph chapters that kind of became... redundant and just caused my attention to wander.
Now, let's look at the bad points:
-- Maybe TOO predictable?
-- More explanation
-- Description of your characters
-- Choppy and unorganized in a couple of places
Alright, now for the part everyone hates. While your story follows a decent line, at the same time, it seems almost too predictable. You need to look into giving it a little more color. Add some contrasts to that pastel of yours. It wouldn't be too hard to give it some random elements or to mix the ones you already have a little better. You also need to explain things better. This one could be mixed in with the description note that I made afterwards. For instance... what do the Nocturnes look like? What do you look like? I'm not saying just sit there and describe, but work it into the story... you're on like the 5-6th chapter and I still really don't have a good idea of what Stavros looks like. That is one of the things that makes a story: detail and how to use it properly. Lastly, you seem to become choppy in a couple of places. I think it's because you suffer from random bouts of writer's block, but I could be wrong. Outline your chapter if necessary, then go in and fill in the details. Then, go back and edit and do what you need to do.
I hope this helps you Stavros. I do like the story overall. Gives me something to read.
7.5/10 -- Note that I've never given a 10/10, so consider this a good grade.
Thanks, I'll try to work on this, I'm starting to think that I may need to revise my story, so I'll get back on that. . .
M
Miss Murder
Guest
All right, and I would appreciate it if anyone who's reading this - including you, Stavros 
- would read my FF. At the bottom of my sig, and rate and comment on it. Thanks!
- would read my FF. At the bottom of my sig, and rate and comment on it. Thanks! - Joined
- Apr 20, 2005
- Messages
- 483
I hope I don't get yelled at for this this'll be my only post. I just saw this on the guy's sig and this looks like a story, so is there any forum here where you can submit your own original stories? Like non-FF just your own work?
I hate to spam Stavros' thread, but you can post not Fan-Fiction stuff here. It's for all kinds of fiction -- original work and FF.
It's fine that you're spamming it, I don't mind, it's keeping this alive ain't it?
Yes, while we wait for you to get over Bleach and writers block and find some time in your life to write a new chapter!
Very nice summary job, Nae'blis. (Robert Jordan)
Very nice summary job, Nae'blis. (Robert Jordan)
Yeah. . .Oh Shi- . . .I haven't been watching Bleach recently. . .getting fast internet on the 3rd!!!! I'm so happy. . .there's going to be some long nights soon. . .so I might get something done. . or I might re-write this and make it longer and better. . .I'm not sure yet. . .
Ya for you! Fast net connection very good. Yummy. Need new chapter!
Well here's an equation for you:
Highspeed internet + Late nights = More Chapters. . .
You see I'll be up late, and I'm sure I spend some of the time writing. . .so be happy for that too. . .
Highspeed internet + Late nights = More Chapters. . .
You see I'll be up late, and I'm sure I spend some of the time writing. . .so be happy for that too. . .
Very much. Yay. And while we're waiting, I've noticed you've stuck your nose into the 360 forums.
A friend of mine brought up a very good question. What made Halo such a good game that everyone wanted it, and now Halo 3 is the most anticipated game of the year? If you don't mind me asking...
And that goes for the other flag bearers of game companies:
Nintendo: Zelda
Sony: Final Fantasy
Sega: Megaman, Sonic
What do you think is the thing in the games that keeps people coming back to play more?
A friend of mine brought up a very good question. What made Halo such a good game that everyone wanted it, and now Halo 3 is the most anticipated game of the year? If you don't mind me asking...
And that goes for the other flag bearers of game companies:
Nintendo: Zelda
Sony: Final Fantasy
Sega: Megaman, Sonic
What do you think is the thing in the games that keeps people coming back to play more?
Yep, I got my 360 recently. . .
To be honsest I don't know why everyone loves Halo. . .one reason might be because it was the first game to really take advantage of xbl, that and it was a good launch game for the xbox. . .
I'd say that it's a few things, it could just be that someone likes the characters that are in a specific game, Dante - Devil May Cry, Sora - Kh. . .
Or it could be that gameplay, Okami - weird visuals kinda new gameplay.
To be honsest I don't know why everyone loves Halo. . .one reason might be because it was the first game to really take advantage of xbl, that and it was a good launch game for the xbox. . .
I'd say that it's a few things, it could just be that someone likes the characters that are in a specific game, Dante - Devil May Cry, Sora - Kh. . .
Or it could be that gameplay, Okami - weird visuals kinda new gameplay.
Stavros you have just gained a new fan...... ilike the story but your main character you couldve made him a little less clueless but if its a main story about a kid gaining intelligence ( spelling ) then keep going who doesnt like a gullable guy learning about the world around him and is his main weapon a gun?? Anyways keep up the good work...... oh and so far 7/10
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