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Home bound

Just Caaaalm Down
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Posts from Craigslist. Share what you've found

Reactions to small dick!
Date: 2008-03-04, 2:52PM CST

I have a very small penis. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I've come to terms with it and now I've even found someone who will date me in spite of it. Nevertheless, the moment when I expose myself has always provided a bit of consternation and some interest moments. At the suggestion of some others on other board, I'm posting a few anecdotes based on this experience. Enjoy.

From a blonde who was chewing gum at the time..."So, I mean, is this it???"

"Yikes, Andrea said you were small but...wow!"

From another girl, holding it between her index finger and thumb, "Why don't you just use your hand."

I had just gone home with a girl who provided some 420 fun, "Wow...I hope you know how to eat this cooch!"

From a girl who gave me oral, "Well at least there's no chance I'll gag!"

Doggystyle and balls deep, "C'mon baby, you can do it!"

From a sweet girl with a complete look of shock, "Well, it makes your balls look really big."

"Oh, cute. It's like a little button!"

"Do you think it'll ever get any bigger?"

"Do you mind if I just rub it for a while?" And after I came, "Wow, I never thought something so small would make such a mess!"

From the drunk girls...

"You've got to be kidding me! Can I take a picture of that!?!?"

Giggling..."I've seen small cocks before but goddam"

"Sorry, but this is just f'ing pointless!"

As soon as I lowered my pants, "You poor thing!"

After sex and cuddling, "I should hook you up with my friend Stacy. She was saying that small dicks don't bother her."

Mean drunk girl, "I seriously think this is the size of a paperclip. I mean one of those bigger ones." She actually got a paperclip out of her purse and compared.

On breaking up..

"Good luck ever finding someone who wants that pindick."

"I'm telling every single one of my friends that you have a three inch cock. Keep fcuking whining and I won't even exaggerate that much!"

"I lied. It is by FAR the smallest fcuking cock I've ever seen."

When I found out she was cheating and demanded the truth, "Oh my God, you sniveling little fcuk. Because his cock is long and fat and I can actually feel it slide into me."

Human Cat for Adpotion
Date: 2009-04-07, 2:35PM EDT

Friendly Human-Cat for adoption.

I will crawl around your house and do cat-like things in exchange for only cat food, water, a litter box, and occasional treats. Cat-cats are more of a hassle than human-cats. If you are looking to adopt a cat-cat and have been researching the matter you already know what I mean. There is less research to be done on human-cats, so let a friendly little fellow into your house today and be one of the first to spearhead a fledgeling community.

I will not speak or do anything human-like, only cat-like. I look out windows, become enthralled with small objects, run across the house in the middle of the night and make a terrifying sound in the corner, nuzzle you with my head, etc. You must take care of me as you would a cat-cat.

Email me for details.


you wiped your butt with a dollar bill and I picked it up - w4m
Date: 2009-04-10, 2:30AM EDT

Dear Sir,

Tonight I was walking down Hill St when I saw a dollar bill on the ground, covered with what looked like a muddy footprint. This was in front of a frat, I do not know the name of it. I picked it up, because, hey, a dollar, and only part of it was covered in the "mud." I thought, maybe this is poop, but I don't think so. I held it by the "clean" end and carried it all the way home.

Upon third party inspection, it has been confirmed unanimously that it is indeed poop. My gut instinct was that it was human poop, but who wants to think they touched that? Be true to yourself, guys, and you will not touch poop, I assure you.

So: Why did you wipe your butt with a dollar bill?
I get that it is a phrase, like "I'll wipe my ass with this [document that I do not value]", but why a dollar bill? Did you deliberately aim for George Washington's face (you should be ashamed)? Why after pooping? you could just do it without any kind of digestive matter and still make the same point. How did it end up on the corner (approx.) of Hill and South U.? I just need to know. I mean, you owe me an explanation for how I came into contact with your poo.

I await your response.

Additionally, if you were a witness to the creation of this poo-bill I would welcome your account as well. Whatever anal[ha]ysis you would like to provide would be equally helpful.



Pregnant? - m4w
Date: 2009-04-24, 1:09PM PDT

I was standing in line to make my purchases when you tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to hand you a $1 pregnancy test (can you even trust those?!?) and then made small talk with me while you stood behind me in line.

How'd it turn out?

Single?



I lost your number - m4w
Date: 2009-08-24, 1:19PM CDT

hey, I don't wanna plaster your name all over here, so I'll just use your initials. JS, I lost your number and would really like to get a hold of you. I hope you check this part of craigslist, I know you use CL b/c that's how we met. to refresh and so you're sure of who I am and that I'm talking about you. I met you off of CL for some FWB actions. We had a wild first night. It just got crazier from there, we helped each other broaden our horizons. We tried outdoor stuff a lot of role play (you love the rough stuff) that one night that we didn't have a condom we should have refrained. You missed your period and I talked you into getting rid of it. You were a little mad at yourself, and yes, me too.

But anyways, I'd really like to get back in touch. You still owe me 75 bucks for your half of the procedure, plus we could probably fool around some more.
 

Byakuya

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2007
Messages
134
Age
33
Location
Crimora, VA
Just fucking fuck me already said:
Dear Men of Craigslist,

Look, I know you men have it difficult. Women are just about impossible to understand, much less please. In a post-feminist society, you never know exactly what you should be doing. Women are bloody picky, I know we are. It can be scary, too, when women freak out about what appear to be benign issues. And men who do their best to be respectful, female-positive humans, I salute you, I do.

But please, please just fuck me already. Honestly, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I like that you want to take things slow. I can totally get behind the idea of emotional connection, but dearjesusinheaven, FUCK ME. We've done dinner and drinks. We've gone dancing. We've cuddled and watched a movie. I'm wearing a low cut shirt and you've been staring at my breasts all night. Goodgodalmighty, get to it and fuck me.

When we get hot and heavy, please take charge. Please, please fuck me. Trust me, I'm not going to just lie still - I'll get involved. But don't make me force your hand into my panties. That makes me feel like a rapist. We've been kissing for a half hour and your hand keeps grazing my ass. That's nice, but it's time to move forward. Get on top of me. Don't make me get on top right out of the gate and start bobbing up and down on your cock like I'm practicing some crazy new aerobic yoga because YOU won't go down on me. Roll on top and start dry humping like a good boy should. Don't gently suck my nipples and then pull back when I moan with pleasure. You being coy is totally not what I want. It's not what WE want.

OK, I know it's scary. There are lots of women out there who make fucking really difficult. So, I have compiled some handy tips. Don't think of this as complaining, or as schadenfreude for the Andrea Dworkins of the world. Just some simple tips, for timid men who have forgotten what it means to fuck like men:

1. Taking charge is not bad. Oh, there will be some women who feel that you are pushy. If you are making out with a woman, and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things are moving too fast. If she says yes, say something like "I'm sorry - you just look so fucking delicious. I'll go slower." Otherwise, skillfully move forward. If you start kissing a woman, and she responds well, and before long, you're both on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and you on top of her, it's not the time to roll onto your back and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head. Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU'RE the man. Act like one.

2. Ohmyfuckinggod, please learn to respect the clit. It's different for every woman, so ask what she likes. Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you're trying to tickle her. Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you are impatiently waiting at the Sears Tire Center for your receipt. Do not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside of. Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against the outside of her pussy. Do not charge in with a single finger and start jabbing at things. And if you really don't know what to do, ask her. Just ask. "How do you like it?". It's a simple question, and most women will answer straight out. If she's being all coy, ask "Do you like pressure? Is it sensitive?" The clitoris is a varied item, indeed. Treat each one as though you have never encountered one before. Forget everything that your last partner liked.

3. Most women like to be fucked, and fucked well. Yes, there are women out there who want to "make love" every time - sweet, gentle, rocking love with lots of eye contact and loving kisses. Those women are not the majority. The majority like to be pounded. The majority like to have their hair pulled. The majority like a good, solid jackhammering. When a woman is bucking wildly against you, it's not because she wants you to pull back and slowly swirl your cock around her vagina like you're mixing a cake batter up there. It's because she wants you to hold down her arms, or grab her hips, or push her legs above her head, and fuck her harder. Don't be too afraid of what this means as far as gender equality goes - I am a raging feminist bitch, but I still want to be penetrated like you are planning on fucking my throat from the inside out.

4. A little roughness is nice. Do not pretend that you had no idea that some women like their hair pulled. Do not act shocked if she wants you to spank her ("Really? Spanking? Won't it hurt?" - yes, it does. That's the fucking point). We know you've read Stuff and Maxim, and that's all those laddie mags talk about in their "How to Please Her" sections. Start with light, full handed smacks to the area of her ass that she sits on. Judge her response and continue on from there. You don't have to bend her over one knee and tell her she's a naughty girl and that Daddy's going to punish her; save that for the fifth date. Women are less delicate than you think, so don't worry about breaking her hip.

5. It's OK for you to make noise. Otherwise, we feel like we are fucking a ninja. Unless you actually are a ninja, and have sneaked into our rooms with vibrating nanuchaku and zippered black pajamas, please, please make some noise. If you're banging a woman, and she's crying out and saying your name and moaning, and you can't even manage a grunt, she's going to feel like an idiot. You don't have to make the sounds she is making, but do SOMETHING. You know how when you are watching porn, and the girl does something great to the guy and the guy kind of goes "Ah!", half grunt, half yell? That's HOT. Do that. Whisper our name (assuming you know it) gruffly. Groan against her neck when you're in missionary position. You don't have to grunt like a mountain gorilla, but if you are totally mute, she's going to get worried.

6. Most women like dirty talk, in addition to the grunting. If you'd like to get some dirty talk going, ask her if she likes the way you fuck her. If she responds well, continue with something like, "I love fucking you. God, you look so fucking hot." Is she still moaning in response? "Your tits are so beautiful." Does that work? If she doesn't respond well to the term "tits", you might have to stop there. If she keep moaning or responding, pass Go and collect $200. Try the following:

"Oh, god. Your pussy is SO tight."
"You're so wet - are you wet because you like the feel of my cock ramming you?"
"I think I'm going to come inside you. I'm going to fill up your little cunt." It doesn't matter that you're wearing a condom; we LOVE hearing this.

If all of those work, you can then progress to things like "sexy little bitch" and "dirty whore". Tread carefully, but please, tread. Do not tiptoe. Do not sit down. Charge.

6. You're not obligated to eat a woman out. In return, she's not obligated to choke on your dick. Don't skip one and expect the other. If you do eat a woman out, the only comment you should make about her pussy is how nice it is. The length of her labia minora, the color of her interior, her waxing job or full bush - you are not John Madden. No time for color commentary.

7. Do not bitch about condoms. Oh, we hate them. Trust us. They hurt us more than they hurt you. But we don't want to be preggers, and you don't want to catch anything, right? Don't whine about condom sex. Do not explain that you can't come with one on. LEARN to come with one on, or if not, help us figure out what to do with you once we're satisfied and it's time for you to let loose your load.

8. We really like it when you come. It's called a money shot for a reason. Watching semen shoot out of you is one of the most gratifying things EVER. However, do not assume that she wants you to jack it off onto her face. She might, but don't assume. Seeing and/or feeling you come is rewarding for us, so there's no need to deprive us of it, but please do consult us before unleashing. "I think I'm going to come - how do you like it?" is a fair question that shouldn't rob you of your testicles.

In recent memory, I've been fucked by a very aggressive, manly guy, and I've been... well, fucked is the wrong term here. I've been penetrated by a total and utter wuss. Who am I going to run back to when I'm ready for my fill? Manly McHardon, that's who. ----------------------------------------------------

*New point of clarification - some people have brought up some really great issues in response to this post, so let me say this: I don't mean to imply that all women like to be treated like whores. I do mean to say that most women I know have told me that they like sex rougher than most men give it to them. Rough does NOT equal chains and bondage. And this applies to the bedroom only, and does not mean that she wants you to choose her dinner for her, or treat her like less of a person. **Some women have said that they don't like it rough and what the hell am I thinking? Well, girls, you're in the minority. HOWEVER, all women need to remember that, in addition to be straight forward about your sexual desires, you need to be straight forward about your sexual limits. Don't be afraid to ask for more, but when something feels wrong, say so. Don't ever do something you don't want to do in silence and then blame the guy. Silence is dangerous.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
 
O

Oberon

Guest
I lost your number - m4w
Date: 2009-08-24, 1:19PM CDT

hey, I don't wanna plaster your name all over here, so I'll just use your initials. JS, I lost your number and would really like to get a hold of you. I hope you check this part of craigslist, I know you use CL b/c that's how we met. to refresh and so you're sure of who I am and that I'm talking about you. I met you off of CL for some FWB actions. We had a wild first night. It just got crazier from there, we helped each other broaden our horizons. We tried outdoor stuff a lot of role play (you love the rough stuff) that one night that we didn't have a condom we should have refrained. You missed your period and I talked you into getting rid of it. You were a little mad at yourself, and yes, me too.

But anyways, I'd really like to get back in touch. You still owe me 75 bucks for your half of the procedure, plus we could probably fool around some more.
Was put in the OP but I still think it's fucking hilarious
 

mz. eggsy

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Oberon

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hot homeless guy with beard and shaggy hair
you’re young, hot, and homeless. you look to be about 20-25. you have brownish red shaggy hair and a nice beard. i could tell you were homeless because you were eating chips off the ground and you had urine soaked filthy pants on. i’ve always had a thing for the “starving artist” types and your homeless ruggedness is hot. i have seen you sleeping in one of the bus stops near public square. if you ever steal a laptop or break into a library or someone’s home to use their computer, i hope you read this. ~Brittany R.

I was taking a dump in the unisex restroom. – m4w
I was taking a dump in the unisex restroom at conco. And forgot to lock the door. You opened the door and said “O GOD!” and shut the door. But before you said O GOD! I felt like we had a moment. I hurried and wiped. Pulled up my pants and opend the door. And you were gone. now the door to my hart is unlocked.
 

MosesMohs

New member
Joined
Dec 4, 2006
Messages
573
I was taking a dump in the unisex restroom. – m4w
I was taking a dump in the unisex restroom at conco. And forgot to lock the door. You opened the door and said “O GOD!” and shut the door. But before you said O GOD! I felt like we had a moment. I hurried and wiped. Pulled up my pants and opend the door. And you were gone. now the door to my hart is unlocked.

I lol'd real hard at that one.
 
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