Fanfiction ► Assassin's Creed: Legacy of Bloodlines [A Zarin I Yehudahi Production]

[xxAMBIENCExx]

I think I see where you are coming from. The way you are writing it is to assume that the Auditore family have always been in Florence and that Domenico was just the first Assassins to integrate with them and create the first Auditore/Assassin lineage.

However, as written by Domenico: "From that moment forward, I collected treatises on architecture, studied the classics and took vocal lessons. I adopted the name Auditore, impersonating a noble at the Florentine Court. Accepted as one of their own, I took on the trappings of the nobility and constructed this villa for me and my son."

"To the Auditore that reads this, remember that you are not a nobleman. You are not one of the deceivers, you are one of the people."

In the first passage, when Domenico mentions that he impersonated a noble in the Courts, do you take it as him impersonating a specific person at the courts, that being an Auditore? Or do you take it as him adopting the appearance of a noble in general?
In the second passage, if you are to suggest that the Auditore family has been around since before Domenico, then why would he insist on telling that they are not nobleman, when in fact, they are; when in fact, they have a pretty powerful history according to your writing?

The reason this seems to be an issue is because it is suggested that Domenico was the founder of the Auditore banker/assassin clan which would not make sense for there to be an Alessandro Auditore before him unless it was a completely unrelated person with the same name.

Please help me make sense of this.

 

[Theart]

Pretty good, but I really need to play more Assassin's Creed for it to make more sense. xD At the very least, it was well written.

 

[Zarin I Yehudahi]

It really does make sense when you read about it.

 

[King Sora X]

I haven't read through all of the chapters, but skimmed. Though, from that, I must say that you are exceptionally gifted for only being 12. So, kudos to you for that, and once I read them all, I shall post my thoughts and such =3

 

[Zarin I Yehudahi]

Thank you very much. I worked hard on it. :]

 

[Zarin I Yehudahi]

___________
AS S A S S I N' S
[SIZE=+0]C R E E D[/SIZE]
__________
L E G A C Y
O F
B L O O D L I N E S
__________​

THEY CALL US MONSTERS, YET WE DEVOTE OUR LIVES TO TRUTH. YET LAST NIGHT, ONE OF THEIR OWN WAS CAPTURED. I COME TO CYPRUS FROM THE HOLY LAND AFTER MURDERING THE TEMPLARS THERE.​

I FOLLOWED THE REST TO CYPRUS, EAGER TO DIP MY BLADE IN THE BLOOD OF THE LAST SURVIVING TEMPLARS. WORD OF MY DEEDS SPREAD BEFORE ME. THEIR FOLLOWERS SET A TRAP. THEY DID NOT SET IT TIGHTLY ENOUGH. ​

MY NAME IS ALTAIR IBN-LA'AHAD.
___________​

DNA SEQUENCE TWO - MEMORY STRAND TWO

As the sky grew brighter with the coming day approaching,
​

Altaïr headed into the local Assassin's Bureau by the walls to catch a much needed moment of relaxation after spending much of the day getting a tour of the city from Marwan and de Monts. He locked the main door so he, the Rafiq Marwan in charge of the Bureau and the other Assassins visiting Antioch could sleep well in peace, before retiring into the guest quarters and grabbing a few moments to lay his head on the simple bed. He reflected on his near-confrontation with the turcopoliers and was glad that Ralph arrived just in time to stop him from drawing his sword from its sheath and slicing them. He was much more glad to find out that despite his high government position in Antioch, he was a long time friend and ally of Asad ibn Marwan who he introduced Altaïr to earlier in the day.​

The two individuals had exchanged information with the Assassin. Asad ibn Marwan, from his associations with Malik, had learned much of Altaïr's adventures in Masyaf, Acre, Jerusalem, Arsuf and Damascus in the past couple of months and was, in contrast to Malik, very impressed with the Master Assassin's skills. He asked him many questions much to Altaïr's and Monts' charigin. He provided information regarding the two Assassins mentioned earlier by Malik that had been captured by the Templars, informing Altaïr that they were held in the Citadel. Ralph des Monts added Marwan's information by informing him that the Citadel was under the control of Maréchal Tirel, Regent of Antioch. The Assassin wondered if this Maréchal Tirel was involved with the Templars; he had his suspicions though he did not voice them to Marwan or Monts while they were together.​

He closed his eyes and fell sleep for the next couple of hours.

___________​

 

[KingdomKey]

Good chapter, but shorter then usual. So how are you coming along on your fanfic?

 

[Zarin I Yehudahi]

Very good. I stumbled to some writer's block as to advancing the actual plot but I'll get to that. Le Marechal is the Templar commander of Antioch that Altair must (eventually) assassinate. His information will give him reason to head to Cyprus and bring Maria.

 

[KingdomKey]

Okay, just thought it was unusual. Then again I have gone through writers block a few times so I understand and will be patient until your writers block is over. But good job Can't wait for the next chapter, which I'm sure is going to be good.

 

[Zarin I Yehudahi]

It will, just like your updates are always impress me. :]

 

[KingdomKey]

Wow your impressed with my updates I could say the same for you. Your chapters are so well written, and are amazing that it feels like I'm playing AC.

 

[xxAMBIENCExx]

If you don't mind, I'll continue doing what I do.

"He reflected on his near-confrontation with the turcopoliers and was glad that Ralph arrived just in time to stop him from drawing his sword from its sheath and slicing them."

Nothing terribly wrong in here. I can come to my own conclusions as to why Altair was glad to not kill the guards, but I would like to see a little more spot-light on his character. Explain why he didn't want to kill the guards, even though he is perfectly capable of doing so. Would it just have been a bother or was he just tired/exhausted or did he feel that it would have been senseless because the guards were just soldiers doing their duty, not real enemies of his or would it have cause more trouble than he could handle? At times like this, it's best to reflect on the little things that make Altair do what he does. It really opens him up as a character, which is something I would love to see (with him being so shallow in the games and all)

"He was much more glad to find out that despite his high government position in Antioch, he was a long time friend and ally of Asad ibn Marwan who he introduced Altaïr to earlier in the day."

Just a minor thing here. change "who he introduced Altair to earlier in the day." into "who de Monts introduced Altair to earlier in the day."

Other than that, you have real potential and I would love to see more. If you ever have issues with writers block, you can always send me a message regarding your ideas and troubles. The way my silly brain works best is by piecing things together, solving puzzles and making things make sense.

So, I await further stuff! Keep it up!

 

[Zarin I Yehudahi]

Thanks. To be honest, I kind of found your criticism a bit annoying at first but you really do know where my weak points are. I'll take up your offer. Thanks.

 

[xxAMBIENCExx]

You thought my critiques were annoying? How offensive! I took the time to read over all that you had posted, review it, and post my thoughts because I believed that you had some real skill, and your first thought is that it was annoying you, rather than being helpful? And who are you to think my words and thoughts are worth so little? Do forgive me for not being one of the many on this board saying "Great job! Your work is the best! You should have written all the Assassin's Creed games!" It's this attitude that makes for the poor writing in the Assassin's Creed games in the first place because nobody told those writers to step up their game.

Alas, I fear I may have wasted my time on here.
Good luck with your fanfic and with your future writing endeavours, kiddo. You really do have potential. The only thing that would stop that from growing is for you to shut out constructive criticism instead of welcome it. Nobody should ever fool themselves into thinking their work is beyond correction. Remember, nothing is true, everything is permitted.

Buona fortuna.

 

[Hamster Lord]

You thought my critiques were annoying? How offensive! I took the time to read over all that you had posted, review it, and post my thoughts because I believed that you had some real skill, and your first thought is that it was annoying you, rather than being helpful? And who are you to think my words and thoughts are worth so little? Do forgive me for not being one of the many on this board saying "Great job! Your work is the best! You should have written all the Assassin's Creed games!" It's this attitude that makes for the poor writing in the Assassin's Creed games in the first place because nobody told those writers to step up their game.

Alas, I fear I may have wasted my time on here.
Good luck with your fanfic and with your future writing endeavours, kiddo. You really do have potential. The only thing that would stop that from growing is for you to shut out constructive criticism instead of welcome it. Nobody should ever fool themselves into thinking their work is beyond correction. Remember, nothing is true, everything is permitted.

Buona fortuna.

Damn man. I think you might've taken what she said out of context there a bit. You did provide some good constructive criticism, but you have to realize. Changing up the chapters like that is tiring, and if she's as lazy as me sometimes, then that's probably why she said she thought your criticism was annoying at first, not the whole time. And I'm about the only person that said she should've written the plots to the games, unless I missed a few posts, and I wasn't talking about AC1, 2, and Brotherhood. I was talking about the shitty side games. That no one plays (ie: Altair's Chronicles, Bloodlines, Discovery, and most likely Lost Legacy).

And anyway, nice chapter Zarin, but it was a bit short.

 

[Zarin I Yehudahi]

You thought my critiques were annoying? How offensive! I took the time to read over all that you had posted, review it, and post my thoughts because I believed that you had some real skill, and your first thought is that it was annoying you, rather than being helpful? And who are you to think my words and thoughts are worth so little? Do forgive me for not being one of the many on this board saying "Great job! Your work is the best! You should have written all the Assassin's Creed games!" It's this attitude that makes for the poor writing in the Assassin's Creed games in the first place because nobody told those writers to step up their game.

Alas, I fear I may have wasted my time on here.
Good luck with your fanfic and with your future writing endeavours, kiddo. You really do have potential. The only thing that would stop that from growing is for you to shut out constructive criticism instead of welcome it. Nobody should ever fool themselves into thinking their work is beyond correction. Remember, nothing is true, everything is permitted.

Buona fortuna.

Wow. You really took it out of context. I said I was annoyed at first but since you're being all butt-hurt like a little wanker about it, go and criticize someone else then.

Sheez lol.

 

[Hamster Lord]

Wow. You really took it out of context. I said I was annoyed at first but since you're being all butt-hurt like a little wanker about it, go and criticize someone else then.

Sheez lol.

That's what I said! lol

 

[Zarin I Yehudahi]

lol whatever. I'm off to play Brotherhood.

I love how easy it is to kill Borgia guards.

 

[Hamster Lord]

lol whatever. I'm off to play Brotherhood.

I love how easy it is to kill Borgia guards.

I played that earlier today. I want to try the multiplayer so much.

 

[xxAMBIENCExx]

Yes I did take it out of context. Sorry for being such a bi-polar ass about it. I was not in my best of moods this morning and it was wrong of me to take it out on you. So, for what it's worth, I apologise for my foolish outburst. I still like your work and would hope you keep it up.