Fanfiction ► Assassin's Creed: Legacy of Bloodlines [A Zarin I Yehudahi Production]

[Zarin I Yehudahi]

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AS S A S S I N' S
[SIZE=+0]C R E E D[/SIZE]
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L E G A C Y
O F
B L O O D L I N E S
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THEY CALL US MONSTERS, YET WE DEVOTE OUR LIVES TO TRUTH. YET LAST NIGHT, ONE OF THEIR OWN WAS CAPTURED. I COME TO CYPRUS FROM THE HOLY LAND AFTER MURDERING THE TEMPLARS THERE.​

I FOLLOWED THE REST TO CYPRUS, EAGER TO DIP MY BLADE IN THE BLOOD OF THE LAST SURVIVING TEMPLARS. WORD OF MY DEEDS SPREAD BEFORE ME. THEIR FOLLOWERS SET A TRAP. THEY DID NOT SET IT TIGHTLY ENOUGH. ​

MY NAME IS ALTAIR IBN-LA'AHAD.
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INTERLUDE ONE ​

Altaïr Ibn La-Ahad is suddenly synched from Masyaf into an unknown arid location in the middle of a desert He is surrounded by seven scantily-clad women who move around him in a circular fashion. The Assassin is a little disoriented as he tries to move forward and push the scantily-clad women aside though as he attempted to do this, the women push him back and they advance closer towards Altaïr. He attempts to grab his sword and take it out its sheathe but stopped himself as a deep, mesmerizing voice communicated telepathically to the Assassin's inner mind.​

​

I came to this land in search of him,
He who has brought me here.
It is he who is the conduit to the Prophet,
He who is the One to.....​

The scene of the environment quickly transformed suddenly. Altaïr stood still and was asghast as everything around him began to fade away. The disembodied voice was cut off; its message garbled and distorted as it was cut off before it finished speaking. The seven faceless women disappeared from the Assassin's sight. The scene around him finally changed into an Antiochene city square with a small, marble mountain flowing with water right in the middle. A large number of faceless Antiochene citizens wandered about the environment, ignoring the Assassin standing there.​

We've got a major problem, Lucy! A female voice shouted in Altaïr's head, I can't anchor Desmond into the memory strands for Antioch. There's too much psychological drama! He's fighting the treatment! I'm retreating!​

No Rebecca, we've reached too far synching with Altaïr and Ezio's memories! Another female voice, though a lot more softer and feminine, retorted at the other female; again both their voices were being heard in the Assassin's head. Hearing them speak, he immediately identified them with the names: Rebecca and Lucy. For some odd reason, Altaïr felt a bit comforted at the sound of Lucy's voice speaking at the moment though he did not know what they were talking about in regards to him and someone named Ezio. We need to proceed! ​

Lucy's right, Rebecca! We've spent too much time! A masculine voice commented non-chalantly, plus Desmond is a big boy. He can take a little pain, can't he?He should be getting used to the Animus after all since he's experienced some of Altaïr's memories while at Abstergo while he's become more or less synchronized with his other ancestor Ezio Auditore, at least right before to his memories fighting the Borgia in Rome. The Assassin didn't know his name but something about him peeved him.​

Rebecca, isn't there anything you can do to get Desmond to try and relax? Lucy asked Rebecca. The Assassin could detect in the woman's tone that she was really stressed, as if something was on her mind. As if something was worrying her, and for some reason, he was concerned. Like a sedative?​

Too risky.....that might kill Desmond. Let me try and stabilize things first with Baby, answered Rebecca, but it's up to Desmond to fight it. He needs you, Lucy. He's comatose but deep down, I know that he can hear you. Just try.​

Focus Desmond on my voice. Altaïr bobbed his head up and closed his eyes, listening in to the calming sound of the unknown woman's voice. Recognize that none of what you're seeing isn't real.....it's just you controlling your ancestor. It can't hurt you Desmond. Don't fight it. Embrace it.​

For Christ's sake! The one known as Rebecca sweared, it's not working! The Assassin shook his head and opened his eyes. Desmond's not resisting as much but the Animus isn't letting me have Desmond fully synch!​

Give it a moment, Rebecca...... This isn't easy for us or Desmond especially since you've upgraded the Animus.​

Looks like the Animus is stabilizing now. The male voice from before commented on in a snarking undertone, it appears we'll be ready to get back to business in a matter of seconds. No thanks to Rebecca! ​

Asshole, she muttered under her breath, though still audible to the Assassin's and presumably the ears of the young woman named Lucy.​

That's enough fighting, you two! Lucy yelled, in a reprimanding tone. Let's concentrate on helping Desmond so that he can help us and the other Assassins, okay Rebecca and Shaun?​

Fine by me, The man, identified as Shaun, said. Anyways synching with the memories in Antioch and beyond should be easy now. ​

Fine, Rebecca answered, and Shaun's right. I checked. He's ready.​

Good then. Now it's time to synch Desmond up to Altaïr's memories. Three...two...one. Synch.

The scene of the environment then faded way and transitioned into something else. Altaïr standed by and took witness of the strange wonders that were happening before his very eyes. He was no longer aghast as he was before though he was now curious. The disembodied voices of Rebecca, Shaun and the one known as Lucy were cut off; he no longer heard the conversation between the three people. He did not recognize them nor could he see them at all though he knew that deep down that they were allies of him.....and a man known as Desmond. The faceless citizens faded away and disappeared, replaced by normal Antiochene citizens. The flowing fountain in the middle of the city square remained as it was and now everything was fine.

He could now continue his work.

.....fast-forwarding data sequence memory to a more recent one.....
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Comments on the chapter? To be honest, this isn't really the actual Altair but more of Desmond being transposed into Altair's place in this particular scene. Then again it's really just Desmond controlling Altair via the Animus.​

 

[Lanydx reborn]

Nice chapter as always Zarin.

 

[Zarin I Yehudahi]

What did you like about it? It's pretty weird for me to do this interlude. Also I made a foreshadowing towards something later - it's obvious if you've played Brotherhood and II.

 

[Hamster Lord]

Oh this is good. Very good. I can't wait for more.

 

[Zarin I Yehudahi]

What exactly though did you like about it? And don't worry. I'm working on Sequence Two right now.

 

[Hamster Lord]

What exactly though did you like about it? And don't worry. I'm working on Sequence Two right now.

How Altair was hearing Lucy and them talk. It reminded me of the part in Brotherhood in the beginning when Rebecca can't access the memory of when Ezio hid the apple, and she says "It's like he remembered a memory of someone else" or something like that.

 

[Vantias]

So..... Altair is time traveling.... kinda crazy. I know brotherhood and stuff.. heck I know every Assassin game.... but was that the bleeding effect or was it really Altair? Because that would be really strange if it was the latter. God damn Animus's and their ability to mind fuCk Desmond.... man he must be insane by now!

 

[Zarin I Yehudahi]

It's a mix of Altair and Desmond. It's the bleeding effect on steroids. It's too short for Altair to care too much about Desmond, Lucy, Rebecca or Shaun unlike Ezio's encounter with Minerva but it's enough to make him realize his role in all this as well as Desmond as said by the prophetic words of Jupiter in the beginning.

 

[Vantias]

Well.... will the effect get longer? That would be quite strange for Altair to be in the modern world..... wait split personality? Desmond trying to control Altair would be epic..... and FUNNY!

 

[Zarin I Yehudahi]

___________

AS S A S S I N' S
[SIZE=+0]C R E E D[/SIZE]
__________
L E G A C Y
O F
B L O O D L I N E S
__________​

THEY CALL US MONSTERS, YET WE DEVOTE OUR LIVES TO TRUTH. YET LAST NIGHT, ONE OF THEIR OWN WAS CAPTURED. I COME TO CYPRUS FROM THE HOLY LAND AFTER MURDERING THE TEMPLARS THERE.​

I FOLLOWED THE REST TO CYPRUS, EAGER TO DIP MY BLADE IN THE BLOOD OF THE LAST SURVIVING TEMPLARS. WORD OF MY DEEDS SPREAD BEFORE ME. THEIR FOLLOWERS SET A TRAP. THEY DID NOT SET IT TIGHTLY ENOUGH. ​

MY NAME IS ALTAIR IBN-LA'AHAD.
___________​

DATA SEQUENCE TWO - MEMORY STRAND ONE ​

Antioch was the capital and the largest ancient city of the Principality of Antioch, a small fledging little Crusader kingdom that had existed on the Syrian coast. It was the city where he successfully executed his first official assassination, against a corrupt Islamic imam named Alaat Sa'id Mohammed more than five years ago. The city, as it was since he last visited it, remained under Crusader control specifically under Prince Bohemond III of Antioch.​

After Edessa had falled in 1144, Antioch had been attacked by Nur-ad-Din during the Second Crusade. Much of the Principality's eastern lands were lost. There was much political turmoil within the city's gates and for a brief period it was a vassal to the Eastern Roman Empire throughout the reign of Manuel Komnenos, forced to contribute troops and money to fight the Seljuks though luckily it was spared from an attack by the Turks.​

The alliance with Constantinople came to an end with the death of the Emperor Manuel in 1180. Antioch was derived of imperial protection which had been enough to frighten away the Turks from attacking them for the past twenty years. Yet with military assistance from the city states of Italia under a Florentine noble known as Alessandro Auditore da Firenze had kept the Saracens from assasulting the city.​

Neither Antioch nor Tripoli had pariticipated in the Third Crusade, leaving Jerusalem to be conquered by the Saracens. The remnants of Frederick Barbarossa's army did stop briefly in Antioch in the previous year to bury their king. Asides from that, all seemed pretty calm and serene in Antioch or at least to Altaïr.​

​

He soon changed his mind as he, riding on his stallion, approached closer to the Antiochene walls. He heard screaming and clattering of steel. And the two guards that he saw blocking the entrance did not help him in making his judgements of the situations.

Has the violence spread here too to Antioch? The Assassin thought.​

"Halte-là, civils," ordered the Antiochene turcopolier in badly mangled French as he raised his hand, motioning Altaïr to stop his horse. He muttered something in some foreign language to the other turcopolier. Altaïr narrowed his eyes suspiciously, he did not like where this was going. Both Antiochene turcopoliers drew out their swords and went on opposite sides of Altaïr. They were obviously not friendly in any way, shape or form.​

The other turcopolier appeared to be of a higher rank than the other one who spoke just a couple of seconds ago. He pointed his index finger at Altaïr and barked in an authoritative tone. "Vous y, mon garçon. Descends de là, nous avons besoin d'avoir un mot à vous dire."​

Altaïr cursed under his breath and, out of a desire to not draw his sword and blow his cover to the Templars in the city, reluctantly obeyed the turcopolier's orders "Fine then," muttered the Assassin. He nodded his head and nudged his legs at the neck of the stallion. It slowed down to a gradual stop.​

"Steady," whispered the Assassin as he petted the soft mane of his stallion and got down from the saddle. "What seems to be the problem here?"​

Both turcopoliers exchanged looks with each other. It was obvious that they didn't expect an question like that and they didn't know how to understand it. Altaïr narrowed his eyes even more so suspiciously and the temptation to draw out his hidden blade from the vambrace and murder the turcopoliers as they were talking in their unruly, barbaric Turkish tongue. He soon reconsidered once the officers nodded at each other and then stared at him.​

The turcopolier officer shrugged his shoulders and said, "You're not allowed entrance to Antioch's wall. That is the problem."​

"Any particular reason why?" the Assassin asked, the anger was growing in his voice. "I would like to know."​

"Maréchal Bartholomew Tirel, acting in the name of Lord Bohemond has passed a edict stating that no one is to enter or exit the city due to the recent violence that has happened in the past couple of days within the city's walls unless said we are told otherwise. I apologize, monami but we cannot allow you entrance so it must be best if you left."​

​

"How is that fair to the inhabitants to the city? How can you do that?"

"Orders are orders. Put up or shut up."​

Footsteps were heard in the distance.​

A voice right behind the three spoke, "Is there a problem here gentlemen?"​

The attention of the two Antiochene turcopoliers shifted to an approaching stranger in rough, black and white robes walking with a cane in his hand. The stranger was short compared to Altaïr's height though he managed to be more or less. The stranger pulled down his hood, showing his face to the three. He looked by no means different from your average Syrian man though the many wrinkles on his face were a sure tell sign that he was a man of far beyond his years in experience and wisdom.​

"Constable Ralph des Monts! We did not expect you!"​

​

"Oh you didn't? Didn't Maréchal Tirel tell you that I was arriving?"

"Um....."​

"Sir if I may speak," interrupted the elder turcopolier. "What he means is that we did not expect you. You and Lord Bohemond had informed le Maréchal that you two would heading east to the coast to make a deal with the Auditores to transport the remainder of Frederick's army on a Florentine back to Italia."​

"Lord Bohemond recommended me to head back and to see how was the situation. And to imagine that while we were away on important business, le Maréchal has put a lockdown on the entire city!"​

"We had our orders from him, Ralph des Monts. We had to follow them; there was no option for us to reject orders," responded the turcopolier officer to him. "There has been recent violence. It is attributed to insurrectionists, perhaps Saracen spies hoping to incite an uprising amongst the heathen population. No one is come in or come out especially the likes of him. He looks like one of those trouble-making Assassins to me."​

"Interesting. It's a good thing that I had arrived to check up on the situation," commented Ralph. He then looked at the Assassin carefully and then turned to his officers. "I don't see how you would presume that this man is an Assassin.....I frankly don't see it. He looks like your typically bad-dressed scholar that you have running about. He's no threat."​

Bad-dressed? the Assassin mused. I disagree.​

"But pardon me milord," interluded the younger turcopolier, "he wears the same clothes, the same sash.....how can he not be an Assasssin? I don't think he's a scholar."​

Ralph frowned, "Do you not trust my judgement?"​

"No, it's not that but....."​

"But what? I demand an answer from you!" yelled the Antiochene constable. "If you have nothing worth saying, then be silent before I make thee silent."​

"Oh boy." The senior turcopolier shook his head at his younger partner and placed his hand on the young boy's shoulder. He spoke his ear and muttered in Turkish, "ben halledeyim. kapılardan stand git." The younger turcopolier nodded and ran to his position, guarding the wooden gates to the city. The senior turcopolier turned to Ralph des Monts and Altaïr. "I'm not going to pick a fight with you because I know better than to argue with my superiors especially one who's close to Lord Bohemond. I do hope that you know what you are doing," warned the senior turcopolier, shooting a glare at the Assassin.​

"Trust me, I am."​

"Very well then. We'll see what happens," snarked the turcopolier to Ralph. He then turned to Altaïr and spat at the arid ground, just inches away from his boot; the Assassin resisted the urge to cut the man's throat but instead returned to ride on his stallion. "I have my eye on you," muttered the Antiochene.​

"Kendini becer," retorted Altaïr.​

He stepped back a couple of paces from him and motioned at the younger turcopolier, "you heard him. Open the gates!"​

"Yes sir."​

The young nodded and thrusted the entire force of his body againist the wooden gate doors, opening them to the two who passed through. The young soldier quickly closed them again and placed a lock on it as it was placed before.​

"Ata, Le Maréchal and Le Maître will not pleased if they hear that you disobeyed the order. They told us to make sure not to let anyone in"​

"Oh Ibrahim, you worry too much. They'll understand," assured the senior turcopolier. "At least we know where Ralph's loyalties truly lie. He knows of our plans or at least suspects him."​

"Why didn't we kill him?"​

"Patience. Le Maréchal and Le Maître will know soon of the man's treacherous."​

"May the Father of Understanding guide us!"​

.....advancing to a more recent memory.....
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​

 

[Lanydx reborn]

Not a bad chapter. I'd tell you more but right now I'm sorry I'm a little lazy.

 

[Zarin I Yehudahi]

Not a bad chapter. I'd tell you more but right now I'm sorry I'm a little lazy.

Oh come on, you insult me. peteshiteatinggrin

I didn't think it was just 'not bad.' I think it was good. I mean no action at all but the beginning of the sequences in the Assassin's Creed video games were never that interesting save for maybe like sequence nine in Brotherhood.

 

[Hamster Lord]

Nothing wrong here, but weren't Ezio's ancestors from Venice? IIRC when we you went into the Auditore Crypt in Monteriggioni, it said his grandfather was with Dante Alighieri and Marco Polo.

 

[KingdomKey]

Good chapter, very interesting.. Altair manage to get in but looks like there's trouble a foot. Can't wait to see what will happen next.

 

[Zarin I Yehudahi]

Nothing wrong here, but weren't Ezio's ancestors from Venice? IIRC when we you went into the Auditore Crypt in Monteriggioni, it said his grandfather was with Dante Alighieri and Marco Polo.

To be honest, surnames weren't much of a big time in Italia. Auditore means banker. Though you are right regarding Domencio being "raised" in Venice, it's still a good two generations at least in between Altair and Domencio. I just decided on them being Florentines for now. It's really more of a reference to the future Auditores.

Good chapter, very interesting.. Altair manage to get in but looks like there's trouble a foot. Can't wait to see what will happen next.

He has to rescue the Assassins imprisoned under Templar custody and assassinate the Marshal of Antioch, Bartholomew Tirel who actually did die in 1191.

 

[Hamster Lord]

To be honest, surnames weren't much of a big time in Italia. Auditore means banker. Though you are right regarding Domencio being "raised" in Venice, it's still a good two generations at least in between Altair and Domencio. I just decided on them being Florentines for now. It's really more of a reference to the future Auditores.



He has to rescue the Assassins imprisoned under Templar custody and assassinate the Marshal of Antioch, Bartholomew Tirel who actually did die in 1191.

Well I can understand why you did that then. It makes sense. I just wanted to point that out though, but anyway, that was a good chapter, and I look forward to more.

 

[xxAMBIENCExx]

Let me start by saying, nice work. You have done more that I could have at 12! However, I did notice some things that I would like to bring up. I ask that you welcome these criticisms and take no offense. A good writer always looks to gain from the opinions of their work.

First Post

In the very first paragraph, I noticed this line and thought it odd.
"Not much had changed in the city but then again he did not expect much to change;"
If taken more literally, then one could say that nothing did change. The buildings were not altered, the occasional guards was still present and the beggars hadn't attained any more coin than last time. However, I feel that if taken from Altair's perspective, there should be a lot that has changed, seeing the revelation he just went through with the apple. For example, the Templar Guard shouldn't be seen as just the same guard that would chase him around while sprinting across rooftops, but more of a representation of the greater enemy and a tool for the Templar agenda. He should see them more as extensions of the Templar's will to dominate, control and keep the citizens ignorant, rather than just the same paid soldier he's killed dozens of times. Everything should also appear to serve more of a purpose, rather than have all things feel the same. Where he was once taking orders from Al Mualim without much question, he came to realize many truths. No longer would he set out into the city under orders, but with a more personal mission. This is why I feel that he should see the city with a new light, rather than things seeming more or less the same.

Within the same paragraph, I noticed something else.
"and last but certainly not least, the annoying beggars who crowded the streets of Acre and constantly harassed him for a spare coin to lend them. If it wasn't for his strict obedience to his Creed, he would have murdered each and every last one of them."
From a game play perspective, yes, those beggars are annoying and I would love to kill them all too. But lets take a look at this line from the prologue.
"THEY CALL US MONSTERS, YET WE DEVOTE OUR LIVES TO TRUTH."
To want to kill every last beggar in the city sounds pretty monstrous. And why would he feel so compelled to kill them? Is he simply annoyed that they are in his way? For one that devotes his life to truth, it is surprising to see him frustrated to the point of murdering them, rather than to have him sympathize with them and see them as sad, ignorant creatures that are just trying to survive. Again, why would he feel that the Creed should hold him back at this point? He just discovered that his leader was a traitor and Templar. How could his Creed hold any more significance when it was created by someone like Al Mualim? Why not discard the Creed and kill the beggars? But he does not. He abides by the Creed. And it is not likely that he follows the same Creed written by Al Maulim, but his own Creed, a slightly modified version. And if not killing an innocent is still in his version of the Creed, then he would have a good reason to not kill the beggars and therefore should not feel that violent compulsion to murder them all.

Other than that, there are just some minor things. Second to last paragraph you write 'again' twice in the same sentence. "had he the chance to do it all over again, he would kill them again, without hesitation" Better just like "had he the chance to do it all over again, he would do so without hesitation.

And last paragraph- "This of course interested the likes of Malik and him ..." sounds better like "This of course interested the likes of he and Malik..."

That's it so far from the first post. Other than that, it's still pretty well. I'm off to read the next posts!

And again, I hope my words do more good than bad.


Second Post

While nothing is wrong with the first two paragraphs, they do contradict what I had mentioned earlier about how he seemed so annoyed by the beggars that he was just about willing to kill every last one of them. These two paragraphs show a sense of understanding and sympathy for the poor.

"At least, Altaïr knew, that however despicable he saw the wealthy of Acre and the other cities, they were not agents or allies of the Templar's- it was not their problem."
It was not who's problem? What was not who's problem? Is it the wealthy who are not the assassin's problem? Is it the wealthy that are not the Templar's problem? If you say "they are not their problems", they would be the established pronoun for the wealthy, and then it could mean that the wealthy are not the assassin's problem.

In para 4: "He knew that this Templar commander and his guards, like all the others he had encountered, would head towards his direction and bother him."

I Changed "has encountered" to "had encountered". Also, I wouldn't use "bother him". I would think that the Templars should pose more than just a bother to Altair. It makes Altair feel arrogant, which was something he was supposed to learn from in the first game. Maybe something like "...head toward his direction and question him."

Para 6: You again mention how easy it would be to just kill beggars. Still seems very shallow and callous for a post "Apple of Eden Revelation" Altair.

Really good after this.

Third Post

First Para: "He did not that worry in the back of his mind that someone in the garrison would catch him and give chase."
Change to something like "There was no worry in his mind of being seen by one in the garrison that would give chase."

Second para: "And for one, it meant a lot less moronic Templar gaurds to kill needlessly." I wouldn't say that killing a Templar Guard would be needless. Any loss to the enemy should be well worth it, unless it would risk more bad than good. You also do a lot to make the Tepmlars sound really incompetent, when they were one of the most skilled fighting groups of their time during the crusades. It's cool to look at Altair like a super hero at times- maybe from his perspectives the Templars might not be so difficult- but I think it would help build more character if Altair recognized the Templars as a real threat. It would show Altair as being wise, knowing when to retreat, than just being a skilled and brutal warrior who finds the Templars to be more of a bother like if they were just hornets that were easy to squash but might cuase a sting. He is the leader of the assassin's now and leading takes more than just martial prowess.

Also "hid the bodies in the haystacks" not "on the haystacks."

"...pull out his sword out its sheathe..." better like "...pull out his sword from its sheathe..."

How does he know that Maria is in Acre in the first place? Didn't he last encounter her in Jerusalem? How is he to know where she is at this point? Your making him sound confident as if he knows Maria is there. Did I overlook something? Does he have intel of Maria's whereabouts that place her in Acre? If not, I think it should be altered a bit. Perhaps have him searching Acre for information with the intent on interrogating a few officers, and then he can stumble into Maria and chase after her. (Again, if I happened to miss something in which it tells of Maria being in Acre, due point it out to me)

"She send envoys to..." should be "She is to send envoys to..."

First para of flashback- he stabs Robert (Maria) in the chest and in the abdomen and she does not die? Anything about three inches deep under the skin will hit vital organs. The length of the hidden blade (I'd guess around 5+ inches) going anywhere into the chest will hit lungs or the heart. Same goes for the abdomen, you have numerous vital organs there. Maria would not survive an attack like that. Make them flesh wounds if anything, maybe one to the abdomen, but not deep so he still has time to look his enemy in the eyes.

"...the Assassin muttered as he ripped off the helm. He extended his hand forward and ripped off the helm." We have him ripping off the helm twice. You can just combine the two sentences like so. "...the Assassin muttered as he extended his hand forward and ripped off the helm."

There were a few errors in the next passage so I re-wrote it.
"Altair stared at the woman. The feelings that he had kept repressed began to erupt inside him, bringing a sting. He was struck with a vast array of emotions but the two most prominent being anger and disappointment. Disappointment at having failed to assassinate the true Robert de Sable, but rather a mere woman, and anger at falling into the Templar agent's trap after having traveled many weeks into Jerusalem from Masyaf to assassinate him."

She shouldn't be bleeding from her mouth unless something was seriously damaged or she bit her tongue.

"Altaïr growled; he should had expected Robert de Sable to pull off a cowardly move like that as a response to his assassination of his agents throughout Damascus, Acre, and Jerusalem."
change into
"Altair growled; he should have expected Robert de Sable to pull off a cowardly move like this as a response to the assassination of his agents throughout Damascus, Acre and Jerusalem."

"..the Assassins in the recent past have aided both Crusader and Saracen, as long as they were free of Templar associations." You should erase what's after the comma. The way this is written sounds as if Altair killed those on both sides as long as those he killed were free of Templar associations, meaning if those he killed were not Templars.

Maria snarls "had, perhaps." It should be a capital 'h' as in 'Had'.

Altair encounters a young adolescence. I did not like that you chose to make the guard so young. At his age, he would not be initiated as a Templar guard. He has more chances of being a common footsoldier. At first, he starts off being very cocky, yet the moment he is approached by Altair, he is frightened. You also mention how Altair was not afraid of the kid due to his age, but in the next sentence mention how Altair knows the inexperienced ones to be the MOST dangerous. Kinda contradictory, unless he is still so arrogant to think even the most dangerous as non threatening. He also shows no mercy in killing the kid who was backing away, yet you mention in the above paragraphs about how he prefers not to kill needlessly. I think you should change this and make it a real confrontation. Have a quick fight scene, show some skill and wit from Altair as he dodges attacks and finds an opening into the careless guard where he can thrust his hidden blade into the guards eye. And make the guard a little older perhaps?


Fourth Post

"He couldn't see her face, but he knew it was not who he was looking for. Every other cell held males - it had to be her." What do you mean by 'it had to be her' if it is not Maria in the cell? Who is in the cell that he knows it has to be?

I don't think Maria should have the poison tipped blades, nor should she be skilled in throwing them. She is not the assassin here.

"In one fell swoop, the Assassin withdrew his hidden blade back into his vambraces and pulled his sword out his sheath" By this time, Altair already has his sword drawn.

"The Apple of Eden is in a well hidden and is out of your reach or anyone in your foul organization."
change to
"The Apple of Eden is well hidden and out of your foul organization's reach."


Fifth Post

"The city and the fortress, served as the base of operations..."
No need for the comma after fortress.

"...his right hand man Malik."
Now there should be a comma, after man and before Malik.

"His voice had neither a sarcastic, or even an applauding tone, he said it as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, redundancy is key in a sense."
When starting with the pronoun 'his', it sounds at first as if it were Altair speaking. It is then revealed to be Malik. To get the idea across from the beginning of the line that it is not Altair speaking, it should start with something more like "This voice had neither..." or "The voice had neither..." Now it is established that it is not Altair's voice.
Also, the sentence should read something more like this: "The voice had neither the sarcastic nor applauding tone. It was said as it if was the most obvious thing in the world- redundancy is key in a sense."

"How much trouble are you having?" - "What do you consider to be a bit of trouble?" - "What kind of trouble is it?" Altair asks this for too many times. Just once is enough. Then he can follow up with the question "Is it regarding the Templars?"

""Two of our own has been captured..." change into "The two of our own have been captured..."

Sixth Post

Having it be Altair hearing and understanding the voices does not make too much sense. You might want to just remove Altair altogether and just keep the Dialogue between Lucy, Rebecca and Shaun. The only way that Altair can have visions of the future is through the apple, not through an unsynching animus glitch.


Seventh Post

The mention of Alessandro Auditore da Firenze does bring some things into question. The first Auditore of Atalir's bloodline is Domenico who lived in 1296. Is this Alessandro Auditore meant to be related to Domenico and therefore Ezio? If so, how? You show the Auditore's as being present at the same time as Altair, seperate of his bloodline. And if they are not related, why allude to the name Auditore? Coincidence?

"The attention of the two Antiochene turcopoliers shifted from Yosef to an approaching stranger..."
The turcopoliers first had there attention to a Yosef and then to the approaching stranger. Who or what is Yosef?


That's it so far! I hope you take my words into consideration. I really do like what you're doing. I would not have gone through the trouble of reviewing the whole thing if I didn't. I'll keep my eye on this from here out.

Aaaaand, thank you for your time!

 

[Zarin I Yehudahi]

Seventh Post

The mention of Alessandro Auditore da Firenze does bring some things into question. The first Auditore of Atalir's bloodline is Domenico who lived in 1296. Is this Alessandro Auditore meant to be related to Domenico and therefore Ezio? If so, how? You show the Auditore's as being present at the same time as Altair, seperate of his bloodline. And if they are not related, why allude to the name Auditore? Coincidence?

It's a concidence and a nod to Assassin's Creed II's prominent Assassin family the Auditores. At this stage, they are a minor Florentine banking family who has devoted interests in the Crusades. Yes, he is meant to be related to Domencio and Ezio. Though they are relatively free of association with the Assassins due to them being still a minor Islamic sect.

"The attention of the two Antiochene turcopoliers shifted from Yosef to an approaching stranger..."
The turcopoliers first had there attention to a Yosef and then to the approaching stranger. Who or what is Yosef?

I'll change that immediately. And I can't bother to go fix everything now. That'll be for later.

 

[xxAMBIENCExx]

So if they are to be related, the chronology would be something like this:

1191A.D. - 1290A.D.

-- Altair's bloodline mixes with the existing Auditore bloodline in Florence, thus allowing future generations to be of Altair and Alessandro's relation.
-- Memebers of this existing Auditore bloodline branch out to Venice and lose the Auditore name and identity altogether.
-- Domenico is born in Venice.
-- Domenico ventures back to Florence and happens to assume the Auditore name once more (is this by chance, or is there forethought to it? Did he know he was once an Auditore and so took the name again, or did he coincidentally assume the same name as his ancestors?)

 

[Zarin I Yehudahi]

So if they are to be related, the chronology would be something like this:

1191A.D. - 1290A.D.

-- Altair's bloodline mixes with the existing Auditore bloodline in Florence, thus allowing future generations to be of Altair and Alessandro's relation.
-- Memebers of this existing Auditore bloodline branch out to Venice and lose the Auditore name and identity altogether.
-- Domenico is born in Venice.
-- Domenico ventures back to Florence and happens to assume the Auditore name once more (is this by chance, or is there forethought to it? Did he know he was once an Auditore and so took the name again, or did he coincidentally assume the same name as his ancestors?)

Not much I think is said regarding Domencio's life and whether the Auditore name and identity is lost in the games (forgive if I am wrong). It is plausible for a junior branch to head into Venice and since it is said that Domencio's father was an Assassin, I doubted that he would use the Auditore surname as it would put the greater House of Auditore in danger from the Templars. Later on, Domencio has the Auditores become fully affiliated with the Assassins. I doubt the nobility would accept someone impersonating one of their own if he really wasn't of noble blood hence my reasoning of having Domencio and by extension Ezio descended from Alessandro Auditore. It's quite plausible within one hundred years.

As for your later points, again I'll fix them later.