Red means to omit.
Bold brings attention to a mistake or something added.
Underlined has comments.
"dw" means I want you to consider a different word.
I stood proudly above the clouds. The mountain rumbled under my feet, conveying the sense of authority that pulsated through my veins. I heard the [a?] roar of thunder below me, and I could feel how little I cared for it. (1) Behind my orange visor, my eyes instead scanned the darkness that surrounded me[comma] as clouds twisted around my peak. I dared them to get too close, almost wishing they would come to test me. None of them did.
I feel this dream sequence can be broken up, and I will show doing so by breaking it down into separate quotations. It's very long and while I know it is all connected in a sequence, it becomes much too long, and doesn't really work as one full paragraph. Having it in breaks helps it a lot with flow.
(1) Can you feel this? I'm not really sure how that feels, or if you can. I feel it's better to be simple here, and just say that she didn't care about it, or she ignored it, etc.
Placing my hands around my hips, I lifted my chin up to view [dw] a dark cloud racing at me. (1) I punched towards the cloud as it got within range, and the mist easily whispered [dw; perhaps "disipated," but see my note later about big boy words] into two as my orange gauntlets racing in front of me. (2) [Consider a new paragraph here](3)This was my kingdom. None could[?] topple me.
(1) She just said none came at her. I suggest getting rid of the line saying none did.
(2) The phrasing here is very odd to me, and doesn't flow right.
(3) Having a new paragraph here is optional, and isn't necessary. Rather, just a stylistic choice.
Another bolt of LIGHTNING raced below me, and my mountain began to tremble once more, [though] this time causing me to [slightly] lose my balance.(1) As if appearing directly from the dark mist, another mountain suddenly stood before me, this one taller than my own. Standing at the summit stood another person, wearing a similar orange outfit as the one I [wore], complete with visor.
(1) Perhaps mention the following thunder [that comes after lightning, which can be seen, which is why I changed it out].
I glared at my opponent as my mountain began racing towards her.(1) She said nothing, [and] only stared at me through [her] orange visor with a small smile. As I approached the large mountain, I made a mighty leap off of my own throne and punched [dw](2) at the hard rock in front of me. My fist was mere inches away (3) from the scaly wall (4). and Just as I was about to connect with it, though, a sudden brightness overwhelmed me.
(1) I'm not sure what this entails, and I encourage more detail here.
(2) Lackluster. Different, stronger word, if possible.
(3) I think in this case it'd be better to avoid using actual measured systems, and instead just sticking with phrases like "just in reach" or something, or "nearly connected."
(4) Should a mountain be scaly? I don't know. Confusing word choice.
I feel like you're much more comfortable in this format, that the slice-of-life nature of this piece is a bit off compared to it. I liked the writing here much more than the writing in the rest of it, mostly because it intrigued me to keep reading. But, regardless, let's move on.
Sunlight poured in [through] my window [and] lightly kissed my face. I [slowly] opened my eyes and regretted doing so immediately. My blurry vision haunted [dw] my view. as I tossed a pillow over my head and rolled onto my stomach. My arm pushed [aside] a few covers and onto my nightstand, grasping blindly for my cellphone. It took a few slaps but when I finally managed to grab a hold of it[comma] and I pulled it near my face, in the safety of the pillow's underbelly.
[new paragraph?]I clicked the little button on the top [of the device] and the screen flashed to life, [revealing] an image of kittens sleeping in a wicker basket. Yeah, I'm a girly girl, sue me.(1) I looked at the digital clock just to the side of the feline cubs. (2)
(1) I'm not fond of this phrasing, it's just kind of off with the narrative.
(2) No one talks like this. Possibly change this out to "the cubs" or "them" or whatever.
It's possible this could be separated to give that drop stomach feeling some more strength. Stylistic choice, again. Up to you. If you choose not to, I suggest colons so it reads "I looked at the digital clock, just to the side of the cubs: 6:59 AM. Shit." This is completely up to you.
My fingers flew on the touch pad. They dashed across the screen to unlock it, entered my stupid pin number, then to re-enter the stupid pin number again because I messed up the first time,(1) settings button, alarm clock button, alarm number two, and now I just had to turn it off before—
You switch tenses here a lot for a seemingly justifiable reason, but I really don't like it. Stick to past.
(1) Perhaps rephrase this part. Clunky and can be said a lot more simply.
Again you have the problem here where your paragraphs go on a bit too long. They work, slightly, don't get me wrong, but they work better split up. I'd look up the rules for paragraphs in Elements of Style but I really want to get done with this. I'll discuss with you later. I'm purely going on what feels right to me.
7:00 AM. My ears were doused with the soft piano melody[comma] that was my alarm clock, courtesy of one of my friends. (1) She had told me this song would be helpful for me, saying that waking up to a soft piano in the morning was the best way to go. She said (2) there was no way that I would grow tired of the song[comma] and associate it with dreadful early mornings. She lied.
[new paragraph]I growled to myself and tapped the 'dismiss' button before throwing the pillow off of myself and letting the light overwhelm me once again. I pried myself away from my bed and turned around to face it. It yearned for me.
[new paragraph]“Ashleyyy[comma]” it cooed, “come baaaack.”
[new paragraph]How could I deny my bed? It's always been there for me, [and] it was only fair that I returned the favor. [possible new paragraph]I collapsed head first back onto the mattress, the familiar scent of peaches from my shampoo filling my nose.
I feel this paragraph is kind of lacking, and could use a good rewrite, and breaking it up possibly would help. Maybe describe a little better how her body felt once getting up, groggy and numb legs, etc.
(1) Perhaps give her friend's name here, to personalize it, introduce a character early, etc. Giving us an idea of how her friend is and how they interact, and how the friend likes to help others and whatnot.
(2) Saying "She said, she said she said" is repetitive. Try not to start sentences with the same words within the same paragraph. It gets old fast and boring to read, stylistically or not, in this case.
I'm not too fond of the last paragraph, personally, or the bed's "dialogue." Also, unrelated, but more of a comment: Girls don't generally smell their own scent of their shampoo. Peaches aren't generally used in shampoo scents either, as they don't generally have any properties helping hair maintenance. Scents you do smell would be someone else's shampoo. Getting used to it happens fast and you don't smell it afterwards. Same with perfume, which is why people don't know how strong their perfume is to other people, you know? It's a nice detail, but you swung and missed I'm afraid.
Also, I feel this break off is a bit off. It could probably segway into the next paragraph a little better with some effort, but up to you.
“Five minutes[comma]” I whispered in drowsy passion. “I can only spare you five minutes from all of my minutes... ...Minutes.” [new paragraph]I closed my eyes. I opened my eyes. I checked my phone: 7:06. Bull. Ugggh. (1)
[new paragraph]Once again[comma] I slowly and regrettably pulled myself away from my bed and headed towards my bedroom door before opening it. I walked down the hallway and, After a quick stop [in] the kitchen, sat down on the couch with a bowl of cereal as I turned on the TV.
[new paragraph]It didn't take long for my parents to wake up as well, and I [could hear] their voices from across the hall. I ignored them as best as I could, preferring to focus all of my attention on my show, [and] the frosty deliciousness (2) that had blissfully found its way into my bowl. I roughly made out the sound of their door open and close as footsteps made their way towards the living room.
(1) One, yeah, I'm calling bull. You close your eyes for a second like that after waking up and you're gone. Also the uggh could go without saying. She could sigh or whatever, but not narrate it. Also I may need to talk to you about ellipsis. They're good to avoid, but I generally don't like how they're used here, it feels like they're breaking some punctuation rules in general, but also, related, I've found some sources saying that ellipsis are a good telling for a beginning writer, something that writers find themselves falling into when they start out, much like beginning stories with waking up and starting the day, which I talked about. You also start sentences the same, here instead with "I ___, I ___, I____," etc. Avoid it!
(2) Eh. I know you're going for cute and all but it just feels lazy???? I don't know how to describe why it rubs me the wrong way when I see this.
This is where it's really rough for me. Now that the tough part is out of the way, I can move onto the dialogue. This will be fast, hopefully.
"Do you plan to grow up any time soon?” she teased at me.
“They vetoed that last year.” Damn. Thanks, Obama. “Now hurry up and get ready for school,” she told me as she pulled a red kettle out from a cupboard. “If you aren't ready by eight I'm leaving you behind and you'll have to take the bike.”
"She" should be undercase, and cupboard should have a period after it. Otherwise this is fine.
Though, the Obama joke may possibly date the piece? Not sure, but something to keep in mind.
“You don't know that! What if you were replaced with an alien last night and just want me to crack my skull open with that bike?”
Nobody talks like this at 7 am. I don't know, this is where it's hard for me to comment on dialogue, because they're people, but at the same time, it's almost too unusual and too unique for it to be believable and relatable. I don't even look my parents in the eye until I've had a full cup of coffee in the morning. Someone this groggy isn't going to be as peppy as this, right?
Mom chuckled at me. "Get your goofy butt into that bathroom young lady. I don't want you to be late. Again.”“That was one time!” I answered [dw?] as I walked into the kitchen and handed her my empty bowl. “And I'm like, seventy (1) percent sure it wasn't my fault.”
“Weren't you the one who said you could wake up without an alarm?” Damn it. I hated it when she's right. She always was.
(1) Numbers under 100 always spell out instead.
“Alright, alright. I'm going.” (1) I walked out of the kitchen and into the small hallway, making my way to the hall bathroom. Before I reached it, the master bedroom opened again and my father walked out wearing sweatpants and a v-neck.(2)
“Hey, princess[comma]” he called [dw] to me as he kissed me on my forehead. “Sorry, princess.” He called [dw] to me as he dashed into the bathroom and closed the door.
(1) Maybe have her "concede," but at the cost of removing the bad at English thing.
You begin to repeat "called" a lot after this, too.
“Who you gonna believe?” Dad said. “The woman who birthed you, or the guy in the bathroom?”
“Mom!” I cried out. “Get your husband out of my bathroom!”
“You don't want that[comma]” Dad told me. “Let's just say if she does that things won't be very...uh, PG rated.”
I need to look up the dash rule here, because I feel it would be good to use instead of ellipsis. Also what does this even mean here???
“You are my offspring!” Dad called [dw]. “I command you to do my bidding!”
“Ugggh.”
Maybe spell ugggh like ugh. I don't really like emphasizing Gs like this.
Shower. Towel. Extra toothbrush. Lotion. Hair brush. ...Hair brush. ...Hair brush. God, I hate dealing with my hair.(1) I put the brush back on the counter, neglecting to remove any black strands that happened to stray on it. Even if I tried, it would take way too long, and I'd probably miss some.(2) ... and it boggled my mind as to why some guys decided to grow their hair out. They have no idea how good they have it.(3)
(1) I don't like this, and it really doesn't work for past tense narrative. Along with switching tenses here, as well. Also ellipsis. Moving on.
(2) I don't know a single girl who continuously takes them out right after brushing. Also is it just implied that she has crazy hair??? I don't understand. She shouldn't have problems with it unless it's mad curly or just doesn't know how to maintain her hair, which is a problem at teenager... anyways. Brush from the bottom up bro.
(3) They like it. I don't like how this is phrased. :/
[new paragraphI stared at my mom's makeup next to the sink. I never wore the stuff. I have enough problems just managing my natural 'beauty', adding on cosmetics would be like adding oil to...uh...um...I don't know, English isn't my best subject. Oil to water? Does that make sense? Whatever.
One, no it doesn't make sense. Two, this is what I'm talking about with the "bad at English." If you want to make her bad at English, great! But reflect that in the narrative, and don't switch tenses. Three, maintaining oily skin isn't hard at all if you know that make up exists without oils, and stuff made for oily skin. Wearing some concealer or a small amount is viable as well. She doesn't have to avoid it completely? I don't know, just do some research here. It's useful, as is make up. Moving on
[new paragraph]I turned the faucet off as I looked into the mirror.(1) My amber eyes stared back at me.(2) I looked... [space] okay, I guess. I wasn't ugly but I wasn't beautiful, overall I couldn't really complain. (3)
(1) Why was it on this whole time...??? Also can she do this blind? She looks in the mirror as she turns it off. At the same time? Phrasing, bro.
(2) Cliched phrasing. My reflection works fine, and also, maybe describe how tired she looks, idk, something. Something she's insecure about, rather than saying "pretty but not TOO pretty but you know not UGLY you know???" no one knows what the diddly you're meaning. :v
(3) Rewrite.
“Ashley!” Mom called.(1) “Are you all set?”“Yeah, lemme grab my bag[comma]” I yelled back as I made my way back to my room. The blinding light that had awoken me had dimmed slightly, and my somewhat dark room practically begged me to re-enter[?] hibernation.(2) Cozy-- That was the word for it. (3) My bed was a mess, but it was the kind of mess you could just fall into and fit perfectly. A girl with less willpower would easily succumb to the desire of The Bed. But not me! I'm stronger than that. Yep, I was just going to grab my bag and walk right out. Oh, but my bag was behind the bed, what a funny coincidence! And the fastest way to grab it would be to jump on my bed and spread myself all over it. Isn't that funn—
(1) ya see... Use a different word. Here it works, but in other cases, not so much.
(2) I don't think it would dim, in fact it'd probably be stronger here? I'm not too sure because this depends on the placement of the house and her room etcetcetc. @___@ Details I don't know. The way you said it in the beginning it kind of implied that it was directly where the sun was, which doesn't move too fast in a half an hour, hour's time. It'd still be right in her window.
(3) Perhaps use a dash here. Need to look up the rule, but these two should be connected somehow.
The red part needs to be rewritten or omitted entirely. It's kind of useless to just be quirky and funny but falls short for me, personally, and her exhaustion can be shown in many other ways that don't break the consistency of the narrative and tenses, especially considering the next paragraph does the showing for us. Also there's no real reason to cut "funny" short here anyways.
I wasted no time in jumping back onto the mattress. Holy crap. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I rolled onto my back and stretched out while letting out a not-so-lady-like yawn (1). This was bliss. Nothing could ruin this moment.
More inconsistencies with tenses, and just kinda wonky narrative.(1) I really don't like how this is said, not as a feminist, but just kind of as a person. Yawning is loud, quiet, airy, whatever, but you don't really describe it ever as "not lady like" because that doesn't really make any sense. It's a yawn. She's in her room. And besides, who gives a diddly? I sincerely ask you to change this to describing what kind of sound it actually makes, or perhaps she exaggerates it, something. I don't know why this bothered me enough to write a paragraph and I apologize, but serious mang. No need for that.
“You're going to be late, princess[comma]” Dad said from my doorway, causing me to yelp in surprise. (1) “And my bathroom shenanigans won't be to blame.”
“Daaad,” I cried in response. “Life isn't faaaair.”
“It sure isn't[comma]” he answered as he took a sip from the red mug (2) he was holding. “But that's why you gotta play dirty sometimes. When life gives you lemons, you squirt lemon juice into life's eyes and take it's wallet.” I blinked. (3)
(1) Perhaps have him knock on the door to wake her up, something like that.
(2) You make the mistake of having people do things AS they're doing something else. It's okay to use the word "then" as long as you don't rely on it. It's required sometimes. Having him speak AND drink at the same time only tells me that he's a ventriloquist. Which I don't think he is. Watch how you phrase things, be careful. It makes for clunky writing.
(3) I moved this to the next paragraph. Also maybe consider adding expression of her dad's face rather than her own.
I blinked“What are you, some kind of mafia boss?”
“This is a nice room you've got here[comma]” he observed with a really bad Italian accent. “Shame if something were to... happen to it.”
Just some rephrasing.
He continued to use the same accent, “Go to school. Don't do drugs. Go to college. Don't do drugs. Ignore any dreamy boy with a guitar, and get a good job. Then, when you're rich, buy me a yacht.”
“Only if you drop the accent.”
“Deal.”
The listing in the first part is inconsistent. I'll leave that up to you to fix. But also it's good to identify that he's continuing with the accent in order for him to drop it.
[new paragraph]A familiar car horn honked from the front of our house, and my father 's face was overcome with mock feigned terror. “The Oprah is angry[comma]” he whispered. “Flee, young one. You must survive.”
“Love you, Dad.”
“Love you too, babycakes.”
Capitalize Dad when it's used as a name, but in the example of, "oh my dad is over there" you wouldn't.
Also kind of inconsistent to change pet names on her, going from Princess to babycakes.
AND WITH THAT I'M DONE. FEEL FREE TO TALK ABOUT MY COMMENTS BEFOREHAND AND I'LL GET BACK TO YOU ABOUT RULES AND THINGS I'VE FOUND AND RESEARCHED ON.
It's 2 a-- THREE AM and I'm going to bed.