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Andillexe's Thread of Poetry



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Andillexe

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I wrote a few poems that I actually liked a little bit and decided "Hey, why don't I post it somewhere for people to look upon it and criticize? That'd be fun." So I did. I got a little inspiration from reading a quote and just kept the ball rolling. Enjoy, and don't be afraid to speak your mind. Just please be nice. ^_^



I am...

"Never trust yourdarker side... You only end up losing yourself."
If only it were that easy.

Thisdarker side, it's apart of me;
makes up one half of what I am.
Telling me not to trust my darkerside
is like telling me not to trust myself.

This Darkness, this... shadow,
is more familiar to me than the Light.
It's kinder, too. Unlike the harsh, stinging pain
that is Light,Darkness blankets and protects.
Though there is always a danger lurking within.


That is why Darkness is only half.
Light completes the circle, illuminating Darkness
and keeping the dangers, the fears, at bay;
for what is more terrifying than a foe you cannot see?
But when the Light becomes malevolent and controlling,
the Darkness is there to dim it down and soothe the pain.

Why should Light get all the praise and glory
when it is just as bad as Darkness?
Why is Darkness even “bad” at all?
Is it because it’s associated with Death, Bringer of the End?
Even though Darkness is thought of as bad,
a horrible, malicious thing,
it's really just like Light.

I'm Light; brilliant and radiant, shining over everything.
I'm Darkness; opaque and mysterious, casting a shadow on the horrors of the world.
No. I am Twilight. The bridge between the two.


Diamante of the Soul

Light
brilliant, radiant
shining, illuminating, flashing
lucent, clear, vague, cloudy
shadowing, evening, foreboding
obscure, peaceful
Darkness


Prayer of the Ignorant

“O Ahura Mazda, great, benevolent spirit of fire, sunlight, and life,
Go to your brother, Ahriman, and stop the Darkness that plagues the earth.
The Darkness that shrouds the lands in envy and greed, corrupting the peacefulness
That was meant to rule over Earth.
The evil Darkness that smothers your awesome fire and life
‘Till there is naught left but anger and hatred.

Please, Wise Lord, send out your Light.
Purge this world of the daevas that spread Angra Mainyu’s poisoned Shadow.
Fight him and send him back into the void
So that you can cleanse the universe of your brother’s Darkness, Spenta Mainyu.”

Ahura Mazda calmly looked upon the one who called to him, and asked,
“Who ever said I needed to fight him?”
 
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Cicero

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Is it in to make a poetry thread? Everyone has one these days...maybe I should revive mine. xD

Anyway, on to your poetry...you asked critisism so yeah, here goes.

I have to be honest, I didn't really like them that much. :/

Let's start with the first poem. Well, is this a poem? To me it seemed like a short explanation of what you think Darkness, Light and in the end Twilight are, which was the subject of course. It didn't feel like a poem at all, and kind off missed any type of flow. It also felt like you tried a bit too much with the expensive words. =P

The second poem...is nice in a way. This is the most poetry-like poem, I'd say. But, in the end its just a simple sum of what light is, if you get what I mean, it wasn't very special. Try to expand, for just this one stanza won't appeal many readers. Go crazy, lol. xD

And finally the third poem, is, just like the first, more of a short story than a poem. It lacks flow and rhyme. Of course, rhyme isn't always necessary with a poem, but you need to have a real good flow can you get away with leaving it out.

Well, to conclude: I don't want to discourage you! Really, I love to see the work of new writers, but I do think I always have to be honest. Tell me, have you been strugling with poetry before, or is it your first time? If I can give you some advice, I'd say you should start writing poems which rhyme. And most of all...a poem isn't just about telling a story. It isn't just about speaking your thoughts are wanting others to understand the way you think about certain things (which are the most common things people write poems for =P). Poems are a way to do just all that, but in a certain manner that is mysterious and enjoyable at the same time. A poem is a way to entertain. Don't just go saying what you want to say and place that in a few stanza's, 'cause everyone can do that.

Well, I hope I wasn't to harsh, and even more I hope that this all will help you in a way! ^^
 

Andillexe

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No, you weren't harsh, you were just speaking your mind. And it's sorta my first time trying poetry. I was forced to write some in school, and I haven't really tried until now. I just thought that I'd try to write some and see where it goes from there. But most of the "poetry" I've written always seems childish and bad. These three were the ones that I thought were the best out of all, oh, I don't know, ten poems in my notebook. And you're right, they lack. To be honest, I really don't think poetry is right for me. I'll just stick with my stories. Thanks for the honesty. =3
 

Cicero

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Don't give up so soon now! Sometimes the most childish ones are better than thought-through poems, everything is possible. I'd like to read the others, so if you don't mind could you PM them?

And well, you always have to start small, no! Trying to write the best poems in the world right away won't always pack out all right. xD
 

Nyangoro

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Cicero covered most of it in his post; but basically, you need to work on the flow of your poems. The more the flow is off, the more it sounds like prose. The flow is what gives poetry that uniqueness. It's what separates it from the rest of writing, and is also what makes it entertaining to read.

As Cicero said, the best way to get a sense of flow is to start with rhyming poetry; having a similar syllable count between lines can help too. While free verse "seems" like it would be easier, it can actually be quite difficult to keep the flow.
 
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