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Air In The Stars



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Skye

Loveable Iddiot
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Goodbye, So Long, Nice Try, Im gone

Interactive PART!
YouTube - Chain - Underwater Mix
Put this on before you read!



Running, Can't we fly in the sky? [Pun not taken]. Going here and there. It's a simple thing, but we need something that lets you go to the stars, at night.....


Pant* *Pant* "Seriously, can't school start at 1:59 and ends at 2:00?" Suddenly I felt a gasping wind going through my hair. "Woah....." I saw a Bluring light zig zagging through the road. "Felt like God's Speed". "Hey KID YOUR GONNA BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!" said the bluring light.
"I think i know that!" My name is Isle (Pronounced I'll) Misturugi. Im the age of 15 and I go to Fujiagoma High.

531, 532, 534!" said Isle. *Books slammed on the floor* "ISLE YOUR LATE AGAIN!"
"I'm sorry Mr. Wallace wont happen again, I PROMISE!" *Bell Rings* "Seriously Isle your gonna get
expelled for just being late everyday" said Kazu. Kazu is an old Friend of mine since 10 years before. He's mature and cool. "Hey Isle, did you hear of those new things called Airs?" said Kazu.
"You mean those hover boards? Yeah, i saw one before i went to school." said Isle. Well how about those gangs?" said Kazu. "Gangs?"


 
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Jesus

Hater-bending
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May 25, 2009
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this reminds me of air gear but of a different air (LOL NO I DO NOT MEAN THE AIR-BOARDS)
 

Wintertide

Sp00ky GuRl
Joined
Apr 22, 2009
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3
At first I thought I was reading a book I have read before then I noticed how different they are.
Continue monsieur.
 

Lycanthrope

Gold Member
Joined
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flip-a-del-phi-a
*covers mouth with my right hand flabbergasted at how bad this is*

Your style of writing lacks grammar, maturity, and substance.
 

Wehrmacht

cameo lover
Joined
May 17, 2007
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brland
I'd reccommend that you quit centering your text and don't use any more asterisk actions. Have you looked at a novel recently? I mean, Twilight sucks, but at least it's easy to pick up and read and it doesn't read like a conversation between two people on an internet forum. I don't think you're doing this on purpose, but if you are, please don't try to be a beautiful and unique snowflake in this regard.

As for the actual substance/story/etcetc...there's not much of it.
 

Skye

Loveable Iddiot
Joined
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1,454
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29
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Goodbye, So Long, Nice Try, Im gone
*covers mouth with my right hand flabbergasted at how bad this is*

Your style of writing lacks grammar, maturity, and substance.
Everyone's gonna get better, when they do more of it right?

@Sombre, I am reading a book, but I'm not actually a good writer.

@Ulti. Yes

And for some reason my computer doesn't have word. So I'm using word-pad
 

Annoyance

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You're probably going to say "this was just for fun!" to all of this, but you need to be told these things. It's bothering me.

Interactive PART!
YouTube - Chain - Underwater Mix
Put this on before you read!

No. Don't tell me what to do. D:
Seriously, though. I don't really like songs integrated into writings. It ruins everything. It chops it up, slows it down, and it just seems like it's only trying to make the short whatever the author wrote longer.

Pant* *Pant* "Seriously, can't school start at 1:59 and ends at 2:00?" Suddenly I felt a gasping wind going through my hair. "Woah....." I saw a Bluring light zig zagging through the road. "Felt like God's Speed". "Hey KID YOUR GONNA BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!" said the bluring light.
"I think i know that!"
Oh boy.
1. What's with the action asterisks? This is a story. Not a role play.
2. Why are you italicizing everything that isn't a quote? It's unneccessary and annoying. (i removed your formatting only because it looked dumb)
3. You don't need to center EVERYTHING. I understand messing with the layout but centering the entire fuckin' thing is just bothersome and stupid. It makes your story already give off the air of "bad" when someone looks at it. Unprofessional doesn't get comments.
4. Just looking at this paragraph makes me notice a lot of typos and no actual law of punctuation. Please work on that.

My name is Isle (Pronounced I'll) Misturugi. Im the age of 15 and I go to Fujiagoma High.
I'm guessing this takes place in Japan considering the high school name...
1. Don't tell your readers how to pronounce the character's name. Let them figure it out. It's pretty obvious it's read like the word "isle". I'm sure you meant Mitsurugi, anyway. Fugiagoma, well, I'm pretty sure you just mixed up a bunch of Japanese syllables and called it quits on originality, there. Why not just do some research and find out about an existing high school? It isn't hard.
2. 15 year olds in Japan don't go to high school, usually. They're still in middle school. High schools there cover our grades 10-12. Unless he's just beginning high school. Either way, I doubt you thought about that.
3. Showing not telling. This means, don't hand your reader EVERYTHING in one go. You can show this by simple dialog.
For his name, the teacher could call "mr. mitsurugi" in class and say that he should work up to standards or some shit that teachers say about being in high school and you need to be better than that.
His friend could say "hey, isle, why you late?"

it's easy shit, man.

531, 532, 534!" said Isle. *Books slammed on the floor* "ISLE YOUR LATE AGAIN!"
"I'm sorry Mr. Wallace wont happen again, I PROMISE!" *Bell Rings* "Seriously Isle your gonna get
expelled for just being late everyday" said Kazu. Kazu is an old Friend of mine since 10 years before. He's mature and cool. "Hey Isle, did you hear of those new things called Airs?" said Kazu.
"You mean those hover boards? Yeah, i saw one before i went to school." said Isle. Well how about those gangs?" said Kazu. "Gangs?"
First thing, apparently 533 doesn't exist.

And second, there's your dialog.


and uh, how is this an actual ending to a chapter?
or even a chapter.
two paragraphs BARELY constitutes for the first chapter.



You definitely need to fix these things. Keep trying.​
 

Ulti

hurr hurr hurr
Joined
Dec 17, 2003
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In my castle, plotting your demise
Sab just took away pages of arguments. I don't know if i should thank her or kill her.

Dude, Skye, you are a horrible writer. Even if you try, you will still produce shit because you write your actions with fucking *.
 
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