Well, I never thought I'd post a thread here. But even my shallow knowledge of self-help can't pull me out of my current state.
Let's start at how I feel: alone.
It all happened one day, when someone suggested that I had friends for no reason. Suddenly, all of my friends were no longer there for me, just...there. Maybe I'm just overly paranoid, maybe I'm overly analytical, but I just suddenly felt seperated from everyone around me. Soon, everything I once knew was distanced from me; meeting with friends and family became more awkward, the funniest moments were cut off by pessimism, I was left out of conversations with my best friends. I'm not saying I'm not ever happy, it's just I feel empty inside, like all of the joy around me thrusts me away.
This is called depression. I've felt like this, but trust me, don't let it get to you. Even though it is tough to deal with, It can be overcome. think of random stupid stuff. it really helps. things like chef brian help alot... If you don't feel alittle bit better, then I need somehting more random and stupid... (
http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comics/20080105.jpg )
I have had crushes before, but nothing like this. I fell head over heels for a girl. I saw everything I liked in her: beauty, humor, creativity, intelligence, kindness. I confessed my feelings to her, and she simply shot me down with more than a simple no.
been there to, except for that middle part about confessing. Thats you're problem. I'll explain farther down. marked with a star (*) so you know which one.
I know that someone is thinking that relationships in high school are merely superficial and don't mean much. I realized this fact, but when love strikes this doesn't really matter anymore. I tried to cheer up, but everytime I saw her I just felt emptier and emptier inside.
Usually they are. Most guys want to be cool and have all these conquests, and most girls just want what they think is love. Now i've been hit by this same empty feeling, and i'm telling you, it goes away with time. You might physically feel that ache, but you won't emotionally, if that makes any sense to you. You just need some crazy people to help distract you and stuff. I'm not kidding when I say i've been down that road of emptyness. I know it hurts, but you have to say to yourself (and please do let this become your mindset, you'll be happier later):
" My world does not revolve around [insert source of drama here]. I am a strong and independant young man, and I
CAN survive and be happy without her. My life should not suck just because of one girl, she cannot and will not be the center of my universe."
all of which is absolutely true. You have you, and chances are, you are more capble than you think you are. don't mope, just get rolling. As you roll along, your heart will thaw and it will feel better. Just force yourself to keep doing fun things, and eventually you won't be forcing yourself any more. Trust me.
Well, that about sums up how I feel. I realize that this is not the first story like this, and quite frankly, you don't have to give me any help whatsoever. I just needed a place to outline my thoughts for my own sake. But advice would be helpful, for I just can't seem to jump this hurdle and enjoy the things I have...
read the above paragraph by me.
Anyway... and if the girl is shooing you down that much for asking her out... then she really doesn't seem that nice, I'm a girl and I would know, a kind girl would just say "no thank you, sorry".
*** Here is Davy's major reason for not succeeding***
Yes, this is blunt, but its the best adivce ever. He
confessed his love. a confession of love seems to indicate that one day he broke and dropped the love bomb on this unsuspecting probably sweet and kind girl ( don't think he is lying. its usually the nice ones that people get stuck with crushes like this anyway).
In fact, wether or not this girl was nice or kind or not is totally irrelevant to this situation.
You can't let these intense emotions out at one time on a girl. Shes not even going to have time to think of a kind or polite answer. I bet there was a slight awkward pause before she said no. Thats because he took her off guard, and as much as i hate to sound negative, that was wrong.
You really need to get to know the girl first. girls aren't going to simply go "OKAY!" and be with you. There needs to be an attraction, or atleast, good reason, for you to ask just to be in a relationship (let alone tell her exactly how you feel). It would help to just hang out in a comfortable enviorment with her, like in her group of mutual friends (and if you don't have any mutual friends, make friends with her friends). Anyway, the point is so that she is comfortable with you, and that your presence is not that of a stranger. This can take time, and you have to keep your wits. Love is just as much a thinking man's game as it is a quest of the heart. let your mind and your common sense tell you whats right and wrong. Don't listen to your heart, since it is usually impatient and is bursting with emotions and other things that you don't need right now.
Your heart is also a dangerous path to the "friend zone", the relationship equivalent to a black hole. You're heart will want to support her emotionally, since its like "showing your love", but you can't do this. What will happen, is she will just pull you in as a friend, and before you know it you'll be gettin the "just friends" or "you are like the brother i never had" speeches, none of which are good. At that point, you'll never free yourself from that part of her heart. she will never want you as anything more. You have to wait. Emotions come much later. Its possible to be her friend without being in the friend zone. the main idea is to not get TO close to her.
Next, ask her to go do things just between the two of you, or even a date (dates don't mean a relationship though, they are more like trial runs. You need to still sorta keep your distance emotionally), when you think both of you are ready. Don't be worried if she doesn't want to. You can't rush the other person, let her take her time. Rushing her will bug her at best, and it probably will freak her out. Don't beg, don't bother her all the time. Just ask every once in a while when things seem oppertune.
Now, if she agrees, you can't let loose your heart yet. Its a victory, but don't let it get to you. You aren't out of the fire yet. This is the kind of place where she can become alot more comfortable with you, and if things work out the right way, she may become open, or even be developing a crush of her own on you. Or she might not, but this isn't your call. don't get desperate. You have to stay calm. Be at ease, this is how she would want you to be if she realy did like you, not all freaking out about your emotions. Just be that fun and good (but not to nice, remember friend zone=bad) guy that i assume you are.
the goal of these dates is to build up her attraction towards you (because attraction is needed for her to build up that possible spark for a relationship). This is sort of the moment of truth. You have to be yourself, but you have to be yourself as you are in you best possible light. You should appear to not care either way, and only care about having a good time for all. Don't do unattractive things. this includes:
1.)being pathetic in any way. Don't talk about crappy things. her feeling sorry for you is not attractive and it will also send you into the friend zone of death!
2.)Don't buy her everything she likes. girls talk out loud, and that would definitely be weird and would freak her out.
3.) Don't over compliment/"pep talk" her. Its ok here or there, but you aren't their to be her cheer leader. You arent' there to be her friend either. You are there to hopefully be her boyfriend. You aren't being a jerk, or not a nice guy. there is nothing mean about just not saying any compliments for everything.
In the above things, it makes you look like 1) you are weak, which is unattractive, 2) you worship her, wich with the exception of some dominant BDSM types, will not win her attraction, and 3) desperate. These things will just turn her off to you.
Now, if you go on a couple dates, and she finds some special feelings for you, don't snuff them out under a wall of witheld emotions. Just be slow about it. You can say you like her, but don't go into how much and don't let your emotions get out of hand ( as in, don't get into poetry here. A simple "I really like you," will suffice). Just let enough out so that she knows that you have feelings for her. If she feels the same way, she'll probably let you know. After that just keep letting bits and pieces of your feelings out slowly, and just don't creep her out.
Once you are far along, and your relationship is stable, you can start increasing that emotional support you have wanted to give to her from the start. At this point, alot of the stress and strain should be relieved so you should be fine.
Wether or not this girl is salvageable as a relationship partner is likely, the above should help you out in the future with other girls if you meet them. The best thing you can do is apologize to her for being so awkward. Hopefully she will forgive you, and you can go about the above plan. just don't look like your emotions control you. give it a couple months before you think about pushing much farther than a regular friend (and remember, avoid that friend zone that happens when you get to close).
Yeah, that was long, but i hope it helps. I wonder who reads this stuff? :toungesmile: