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Endgame

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Wow. I'm amazed people write like this, and can actually post it thinking people will wastet he time to read it.

You've got not storyline, no text structure, no sense of grammer, and, basically, you're illiterate. That, and the whole story's centered on a two-dimensional fictional representation of yourself.
 

Sora910

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Chapter 1:

Raiden is a cool and calm kid that just moved from Twilight Town to Traverse Town and he figured out that his new town is a complete disaster and everyday he gets bullied and picked on for no reason but raiden doesnt know that,that will change.So everyday he keeps getting more and more fustrated becuase of people bullying him and making fun of him and because the school is annoying to him.But one day he cant take it anymore so when he got made fun or bullied he decided to beat up the person so they would leave him alone and so they would be afraid of him.In the same day the school gets an assembly about the Keyblade.Everyone knows about it but they dont know is that the Keyblade has left Sora and is finding the next Keyblade Master and some kid from the school could be him/her and that is why they are having the assembly.The king has made it so everyone knows how much more time they have before the Keyblade finds the new Master.But what the king doesnt know is that some other people are waiting for the Keyblade so they can attack that person and take the Keyblade.Everyone patiently waits for it to end,then a giant bright light appears infront of Raiden and 2 Keyblades appear in his hands.Then the principle claps then the whole school claps,after that the principle announces that there will be a dance because he got the Keyblades and that who ever is his date will be have the title as a queen for the dance.After the assembly the girls start flirting with him so they can be his date but the boys get mad and try to think of a way they can take the Keyblades away from him and beat him up.But all of a sudden a giant Nobody breaks the school and grabs Raiden."Hey let me go" so instead of taking the nice way out Raiden stabs the Nobody with the Keyblades so he can let go of him.Everyone screams and runs out of the school but a girl stays behind and hides."Hey girl get out of here,your gonna get killed" but the girl doesnt move and Raiden doesnt have time to get her out of the school.He starts slicing the Nobody and stops his attacks.Raiden is about to end the fight but the Nobody picks up the girl and makes a giant beam to hit her.Raiden slices the Nobody's head off but the beam comes out and Raiden grabs the girl before the beam hits her.Fortunately it rains so the bloody mess drains away and the Nobody pieces disappear.
"Hey are you ok"
"Yeah but I feel like a like fainting"
"Ill help you if you fall".*giggle*"Thanks"
Raiden leans in to kiss her but the girl falls in his arms.
"Great,I knew I shouldve done that sooner".The principle comes to Raiden asks if he is hurt,and he lays the girl next to the wall.While the principle is talking to Raiden the girl pulls out a communication device.

~Somewhere Else~
"Lira did the boy believe it"-???
"Yeah but I have to keep quiet he thinks I fainted."
"See thats my little Nobody girl.Ok ill make the boy walk you to the house bye."
"Yeah Dad"

~back at whats left of the school~
"Huh what happened".
"Oh you fainted remember?"
"Raiden I just called her dad and he asked if you could take her home?"
"Sure,come on..whats your name"
*giggle*"Its Lira"
__________________________________________________________
Ok I think that was long and I hope you like it.
 

Sora910

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Zetsumi I changed the first chapter so you dont think abouts someones life.Also if your pictures are about
Dragon Ball Z that show died when it was born.-case closed-:lol:
 

shadow_heartless

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dragon ball z died in the 2000 i got 2 see it all
i'm not going to be here i'm going to a rave i'll be back ok just write chapter 2 plz when i come back i'll read it ok man that took 1 second I'M BACK
 
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Endgame

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...You speak of things dying when they were born. Yet your fanfiction is kept alive by only a single member every bit as illiterate and incompetant as you are.

The fanfiction's every bit as bad as it was before. It's not the chapters, it's the person writing them.

As for signatures...Shadow Heartless is a typical geek-kid. Oh, he thinks he has a Katana. You spelt it wrong.

You, on the other hand, have a Myspace with a KH name. That's lower then low.

And, for the record, DBZ may have had slightly two-dimensional characters, but at least it had some pretense of a plotline. Let's compare the popularity of DBZ to your little mud-smear here, eh?
 

Sora910

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just because i have a myspace url saying keyblade doesnt mean low and if you dont like it then get out the forums,DUH.I bet the PSP is better than your little dragon ball z.its about weird people that fight for ballz so they can make a wish.WTF.Then they say some weird
stuff.Hamahamahamahaaaaaaaa.wow.:huh:.Yeah my story is way worse than that.Also who told you to critisiez my story.-case closed-Also i am having to much homework so ill try to see when i can post chapter 2.
 

NeoTwilight

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wow.... this is an interesting thread...
hmmmmmm....
its kinda funny how only n00bs are posting here except for Zetsumi, who's not being very nice...
anyways, about the story... its ok, but things happen too fast...
you're like-

"he was born. then he got a keyblade. but then he got shot. he was dead. the end."

you need to be muh more descriptive and draw things out more...
thats all i have to say...
 

Sora910

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Thanks Neo Twilight and I will do what I can to make things happen less quicker.

Chapter 2:

"Raiden since you will leave before I announce this ill tell you know.The school was demolished so school is closed until further notice.Also be careful with that Keyblade there could be terrible consequences if it got into the wrong hands."
"Yes sir."
So as Raiden and Lira walked to her home Raiden had a bad feeling but he didnt care about it since he was with the girl.
"Thanks for saving me back there."
"Well I have to do it anyways since im the Keyblade Master."
*giggle*"Yeah I guess"
"I know i shouldnt ask this but did your mother die or something."
"Its ok,but yeah she died when I was 5 she was attacked by heartless."
"Oh sorry."
"Well here we are."
They lean in to kiss each other but some boys disturb them.
"Hey Raiden nice girl you got there,you better be strong enough to help her out because something could happen to her,something really bad."
"Lira get inside your house."
"Hey why did you make your girl go away,were going to have a party."
"Hey lets help him out with his keyblades,there probably really heavy for a wimp like you."
"I dont want to hurt you so get out of my way."
"But we do want to fight you.Hey it will be a good fight because you will meet our friends chains,bats,and pipes."
"Well dont blame me if you get hurt.And my Keyblades ill be the ones meeting you."
"We wont be the ones geting hurt.You will"
Raiden starts hitting everything they throw at him,dodging everything.
"Your pretty good for a noob."
"And your pretty stupid for a bully."
Then Raiden gets him to the top where the bell is.
"I wish you put up a better fight."
"Its not my fault the Keyblades chose me."
"Yeah its my fault for not killing you."
They fight for a long time when.....
"Ill stop now and I wont throw you off the building."
"Why would I want you to not throw me off."
"I dont want to do this."
"Cmon wimp do it."
"Your lucky im a nice guy,see you later."
"Ahhh get over here."
Then Raiden hits him into the sky but he hits him to hard that he throws him off the building.So he runs after him but he was to late.
"AHHHHHH why did I do that."
Then the bully starts turning black and starts getting bigger.
"What another one of those things!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yeah I know its not that good but I wanted to make it longer,sorry.
 

Sora910

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Chapter 3:

"This day just gets weirder and weirder."
"Why did chose you?"
"What you can talk?"
"No talk just fight."
Raiden keeps slicing the heartless but it doesnt work but he has an idea.
"Hey over here behind the bell."
"You cant hide from me."
When the heartless hits the bell it swings to Raiden and he hits it hard enough for it to break off.And it flies to the heartless's head and he is stunned.So Raiden slices it so many times that the heartless breaks up into puddles of darkness and the bully falls out of it.
"Hey you ok."
"Huh what happened.I mean NO i dont need your help wimp."
"Well at least im threw with him."
But actually the puddles turn into an army of heartless.
"WHAT?"
The heartless start running around the city but Raiden catches most of them in the second district.He fights his way through and kills them all.But some people lose their hearts because there were to many for Raiden to kill.He gets mad for not being able to save the people so he goes to merlin for help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know shorter than usual but im trieing to make things go slower.:unsure:
 
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