Fanfiction ► A Little Taste of Life

[Taokitty]

xD I suppose it always could be said they SAW the marks but didn't make mention to it and just assumed? ^^;;;;
Though, for constructive criticism's sake, I think you should have included it. >.<
xD Ah well.

*PatPat* True, true! ><
Less they all conveniently die! =D
... Though, that's probably not going to happen... ^^;;;;
In the end, though, probably the true catch of Kingdom Hearts is the plot and characters though [it appears most of us aren't fond of Disney, eh? Though, I could imagine Axel making rather bad comments in his head about the place and mumble a few... xD]. Then again, I'm in denial about Disney apparently... ^^;;;

Chapter 13 is a rather large event! Or so I think. ><
Don't cut it short! ><

xD CHA! ^0^

*PatPat* Mkay! ^_^
I never have repped you, have I? Or at least, I don't recall... ><
I believe one of the upcoming chapters will probably have my rep.

Don't know, why is the post still going on? =D'' [Scuse that, just me being purposely troublesome. ^^;;; ]

-Taokitty-
PS xD I also agree with Aqua about Disney Land! ^_^

 

[Anonymous]

*PatPat* True, true! ><
Less they all conveniently die! =D
... Though, that's probably not going to happen... ^^;;;;

I haven't ruled out a gummi ship crash xD
(kidding)

 

[Taokitty]

xDDD Well, I suppose you could do that in the end as an Epilogue where the group leaves [not sure?] happily prancing to their own gummi ships and the one conveniently holding Mickey hits a very large Meteor! =D'''

[I've always had something against Mickey personally, sadly. I recall I thought his coming at the end of Kingdom Hearts ruined it... ^^;;; ]

Anyway, that's enough out of me! ><

-Taokitty-

 

[Ban Mido]

Beta Reader Feedback: A Little Taste of Life

Okay, at a glance, both chapters seemed a little clumped. I looked back a little and noticed that you stopped spacing out some of your paragraphs. It looks a little awkward. Also, I think it is important to make a clear distinction of who is saying what and when, like starting a new line when ever a different person starts to speak, having them take turns in doing so.

I also recomend starting every paragraph that has a character talking with a qoute if the character's speech goes with some description. A maximum of two quotes a paragraph, one to hook the attention of the reader at the beginning and one at the end to relay the rest of the information that character has to give, using the space in between to give the descriptions. If the characters aren't actually doing anything, then you can just for go the extra quote and use just the one and move on.

I'll take another look in a bit, all right?

 

[Danica Syer]

Ahhhhhhh what a great chapter! No really! I like how the King pops into the story, well actually the chapter has the king--FINALLY! I love King Mickey btw. So yeah, great chapter but yeah, can't wait to see what happens NEXT! YAY DISNEY CASTLE! Sorry I'm hyper... XD

 

[Anonymous]

O_O..... sorafan1203......
how the hell can you like the disney characters!? =o
(joking)

But thanks for the review all-star gamer =D
I get what you're going at in your first paragraph, but I don't really understand what you mean in the second paragraph...
Like, use a quote to describe something?
(I'm not sure... you sorta lost me D= )

 

[Ban Mido]

No. If you have actions accompanying a characters dialouge, you can break the dialouge into two Quotes, using the space in between to give any descriptions that go with it. That way, you can show any of the unconscious or unintentional movements that people would naturally do while talking, making them seem more rea, along with describing their facial expressions and emotions. You can also use the space to set up for later in the story if need be.

 

[Anonymous]

Ugh... see, I used to do that. ><
I just got lazy with the past few chapters (if you want you can look further back, I believe those chapters are better).

But I'll take what you said into serious consideration =D
Here's to the hope that next chapter is better! *clinks glasses*

 

[Ban Mido]

See, that's the thing. Writing is one of the things that you should never get lazy about. How much effort you put into a project is directly related to it's quality a lot of the time. Even if you're a skilled writer, if you don't try, you can't really fully implement those skills.

 

[Anonymous]

True.
Ah well. Thanks for commenting so quickly by the way, and if it isn't too much to ask, would you mind doing so in the future? (you can answer by pm if you want, I don't care)

 

[Ban Mido]

Every now and then, maybe I'll take a look.

 

[Anonymous]

Chapter 10: Back Into the Nothing

The gummi ship landed smoothly on the cement, and the people inside it quickly stepped out. They were in the middle of a dark plaza, standing before a massive skyscraper topped off with several bright screens. The night sky behind the building was filled with a massive white castle, above which floated a brilliant gray moon, by which the people were captivated.
With the silvery light reflecting in his teal eyes, Axel was the first to speak up, “We should probably get going…”
As if woken from a trance, Sora averted his gaze from the starless sky at the sound of Axel’s voice, “Yea, I guess so.”
At that notion, the group set off into the depths of the dark city.

:|:|:|:|:|:|:​

Only a few meters from where the gummi ship had touched down stood three cloaked figures. They were standing on the edge of a massive crater that marked the end of the dark city, and over which towered the white castle that had once been their home.
The enigmas were wearing dark jackets, but the hoods that usually masked their identities were surprisingly hanging on their backs.

Between the two nobodies stood Xigbar, grinning from ear to ear. His eye patch reflected the unnatural blue glow emitting from the crater, and it seemed to cast his face in a dark shadow.
“Are you ready to do this?” Xigbar asked, without a hint of humor in his voice.
The man to his right chuckled, “Of course.”
He had long blue hair that partially covered the sides of his face and draped onto his chest, but it managed not to cover his oddly pointed ears. He had dark orange eyes, and between the brows that hung over them was a strange X shaped scar.

Xigbar nodded and addressed the man to his left, “What about you?”
This man was considerably shorter than Xigbar, but was just as strange in appearance. He had long silvery blue hair that hung so low across the right side of his face that it completely covered his eye.
“Hold on… I feel something…” said the man.
Xigbar seemed genuinely interested, “What is it boy?”
The man’s visible eye narrowed as he scowled, but he answered nonetheless, “There’s somebody by Memory’s Skyscraper… A group of people actually, and they smell very familiar.”
Xigbar’s eye widened, “It must be Axel. Zexion, who else is there?”
Zexion grasped his chin in concentration, and said very slowly “It’s Sora and Kairi, as well as the King and his cronies.” Xigbar was speechless, but the man to his right spoke up.
“They must be here to eliminate the witch. We can’t allow them to do that,” said the man in a surprisingly concerned tone.
Xigbar raised an eyebrow at the man’s tone, but nodded in agreement, “Correct Saix. We must be the ones to do it. We need her nobody.”
Saix said in a commanding tone, “Zexion, you have to stall them- we’ll take care of Maleficent.”
Zexion vanished into a portal of darkness without a word, and Xigbar put his fingers to his brow and muttered to himself, “Where’s Lexaeus when you need him? He picked the most convenient time to go missing…”
Saix remained impassive despite that he had clearly heard Xigbar’s muttering. It was true- Lexaeus would have been a great aid on this mission.

:|:|:|:|:|:|:​

Zexion reemerged upon the roof of the skyscraper. He hurriedly walked to its edge and looked down- he could clearly see the gummi ship, but couldn’t quite make out the people around it. Regardless, with an upwards wave of his arm, a hard covered book with a strange marking on its cover materialized in his hand. The book floated in front of him at eye level, allowing him to easily see its components.
He flicked his hand slightly to the side, and the book’s pages began to turn very slowly.
His right hand was raised over the edge of the building, fingers spread wide, while his left hand slowly made contract with the floating book.
He looked down one more time at the people who seemed to be taking their sweet time around the gummi ship, and suddenly they collapsed. All six figures fell simultaneously, and Zexion smiled. The book vanished from his hand.
Without moving his right hand (which was still perched over the building’s edge), he waved his left hand and opened a small portal directly before his face.
Speaking clearly into the dark, Zexion said, “They’ve been taken care of. I have them in an illusion, but it won’t last forever. Make it quick Xigbar.”

:|:|:|:|:|:|:​

“Make it quick he says,” said Xigbar with a scowl as the tiny portal came to a close before him, “I’d like to see him do this.”
Saix laughed, and said in his usual deep voice “He probably could. His skill with the dark is more than a match for the witch’s.”
Xigbar didn’t reply- he was too engaged in battle.

They had walked along the mystical blue bridge to the castle’s lower levels without any confrontation, and from there they had made a quick sprint to the main tower’s elevator, which they were now riding upwards. Unfortunately, (although not unexpectedly) they had been ambushed by a large party of heartless, which they were now in the process of
eliminating.

Clusters of shadows were manifesting from the shaft’s walls, as more and more wyverns descended from the upper levels. Xigbar was actually enjoying himself as he teleported again and again, each time taking well aimed shots at the monstrous avions. Saix, meanwhile, was taking an equal amount of pleasure smashing his claymore into the hordes of shadows, sending them hurtling back into the void.

The elevator continued to rise, and it eventually came to a gentle halt at the top of the shaft. Ignoring the remaining heartless, the two nobodies sprinted side by side off out of the crooked ascension and onto a staircase in the middle of a massive sphere.
Shadow balls and neo-shadows came flying at them out of enormous heartless symbols along the dome’s walls, while several defender heartless rose up from the stairs. The nobodies came to a rough halt, just outside of the reach of the nearest snarling shield, as more and more heartless poured out of the walls.

“We don’t have time for this!” said an exasperated Xigbar as he released a few rounds at the newly incoming fighter-pilot heartless.
“Then let’s go!” called back Saix, wildly swinging his claymore at the defenders around him. Xigbar took heed of what he said and hurled himself into the mass of heartless, barely managing to grasp on the hem of Saix’s cloak. The force of his leap smashed his head into the gap between the steps, but with a firm grip on his partner he threw himself into the void between dimensions and felt the gravitational disturbance as he teleported them away from the chaos.

:|:|:|:|:|:|:​

Axel, Kairi, and Sora walked down the central lane of the fragment crossing, checking around every corner and observing every building for any sign of Riku. They were walking apart from one another to cover more ground, and were moving through the city very rapidly- if Larxene discovered them before they found her, she would leave instantly.

Axel was looking at the glowing sign of one of the many black buildings, when suddenly he stopped in place. It took Sora and Kairi a few moments to notice they were missing a person, and when they turned around they found Axel staring very intensely at the street sign.

“What’s wrong Axel?” asked Sora, obviously a bit concerned.
Axel looked away from the building and turned to Sora, but he raised his hand and pointed his finger at the sign.
“We’ve been here before,” he said in an anxious tone, and he looked around the city, eyes narrowed, “Something isn’t right.”

:|:|:|:|:|:|:​

Xigbar and Saix came hurtling back into reality a room away from where Xigbar had vanished. Having purposely jumped the Hall of Empty Melodies, they found themselves standing upside down in midair above many different stone arches filled with blue lights.
Saix turned to Xigbar and said in a flat tone, “Good one,” but Xigbar was far too busy laughing at the mess of blue hair obscuring Saix’s face. Still shaking with laughter, Xigbar snapped his fingers, and the room around them turned until their feet touched the ground (Xigbar was roaring with laughter as Saix’s hair turned as well).
Saix ignored Xigbar and started walking through up the main ramp of the room, taking a long look at his own portal. He walked past it, and instead took a very quick glimpse at Lexaeus’s station- it was blue.

“Good news for Xemnas- Lexaeus is still alive,” said Saix, looking over his shoulder at Xigbar, who was still laughing quite a bit.
“Get over it. We have to go,” Saix commanded, and Xigbar grudgingly pulled himself together.
“You may be in charge of this mission Xigbar, but don’t forget I’m second in command. I call the shots when it comes down to it,” said Saix, turning around to face him. Xigbar was glaring at him quite angrily, but Saix smiled at that man’s aggression and continued, “So let’s go.”
Xigbar did as Saix commanded and followed him up the stairs and out onto the skyway.

:|:|:|:|:|:|:​

“What do you mean?” asked Kairi, suddenly feeling eerily aware of the ominous nature of the city.
“Just think about it! I swear we’ve been here a few times before!” Axel gestured wildly at his surroundings as he continued, “and why haven’t we met up with the king yet?”
Sora shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know,” he paused for a bit. He had more than an inkling that they were being watched, but he didn’t want to scare himself by acknowledging it, “Axel, you’re just paranoid.”

Axel scowled and turned his back on them and waved his hand, “I guess you’re right.”
They continued on with their search, but Axel was positive something was wrong.

:|:|:|:|:|:|:​

The only nobodies in the entire castle had taken only their first few steps onto the skyway when more hordes of heartless came at them.
Before Xigbar could even react, Saix reached to his side and tightly squeezed his companion’s hand.
Xigbar looked at him and stuttered, “Wha-!?”
Saix glared at him darkly, all the while the new shadows shifted awkwardly nearer to them, and said, “Take me- NOW.”
Xigbar wrenched his hand out of Saix’s grasp and filled it with one of his guns before saying, “Slow down there buddy. I can’t do that.”
Saix rolled his eyes as he summoned his claymore, and as he took his first swing, he called back to Xigbar, “Why not!?”
Xigbar, who was standing horizontally on the castle’s wall and taking several shots at once called back, “She’s not stupid! She’s blocked teleportation with her magic. I’m lucky I managed to get us out of that last one. Don’t worry though, she’s coming.”
“What?” Saix yelled as he smashed his weapon into the last of the shadows, and he managed to look where Xigbar was pointing.

In front of the bright moon was the pitch black outline of a massive dragon. It’s wings were flapping, but the nobodies could not hear the rush of wind from such a far off distance. The beast had been hanging there since they had walked out onto the balcony, but now it was slowly gliding directly towards Saix and Xigbar.

:|:|:|:|:|:|:​

Sora, Kairi, and Axel had just passed by Memory’s Skyscraper and were now walking through fragment crossing. Kairi and Sora were walking ahead of Axel, who was unusually captivated by a particular building.

It took them a few moments to realize that they had Axel left behind, and they turned to find him staring at a glowing sign.
“What’s wrong Axel?” asked Sora, and Axel suddenly gasped.
He took a double take from Sora to the sign, and his eyes were wide. Sora and Kairi looked at one another with confused expressions as Axel stared
“Man you’re good Zexion.”

:|:|:|:|:|:|:​

Xigbar was walking down from the wall and back onto the tiled floor when the dragon finally landed on Naught’s Approach. It perched itself at the highest point of the walkway, several meters away from Saix and Xigbar, using its front limbs to brace itself on the fence so that only its head was visible to them, the rest of its body hanging over the edge. Its long neck curved and it came face to face with the nobodies, and as their eyes met, a familiar voice floated through their minds.

“You’re fools to think you can defeat me,” said the dragon Maleficent’s voice in their heads, and Saix glared at it, brandishing his claymore.
“You are a threat to the Organization’s goals,” declared Saix, pointing his bulky claymore between the dragon’s eyes, “and you must be eliminated.”
The dragon, as if laughing, let out a stream of hot steam from its nostrils, and its voice once more echoed through their minds “I’m quite certain you have more pressing issues at the moment than myself, so tell me-”

Suddenly a patch of darkness manifested on the wall directly between the dragon and Saix. With a soft whoosh Zexion stepped out of the dark with a mildly desperate expression sprawled across his face.
Xigbar raised an eyebrow, and pointed at the newcomer with one of his weapons, “This can’t be good news.”
Zexion, who didn’t seem to mind the monstrous behemoth resting only a few feet away from him, shook his head, “They’ve broken through the illusion. Axel recognized it, they may be coming this way.”
Saix, who was still supporting his massive weapon groaned, and with his free hand pinched the tip of his nose. He reopened his eyes, and without turning around commanded, “Xigbar, go with him and stall until I get there,” he narrowed his eyes at the dragon, “This shouldn’t take long.”
Xigbar raised an eyebrow at Saix, but he didn’t dare act upon his inkling. “I always miss out on the fun,” Xigbar pretended to whine, but he followed Zexion as he walked through the portal on the wall, taking one last glance at the standoff.

:|:|:|:|:|:|:​

Sora, Kairi, and Axel had just managed to wake up Mickey, Donald, and Goofy, when suddenly a portal erupted in the space between themselves and the towering skyscraper. From it emerged a person Sora did not recognize, as well as a man who he wished he would never have to see again, and his face turned red instantly.
Xigbar grinned maliciously at the boy’s angry expression as he emerged from the dark and let out a hearty laugh, “My oh my, you really haven’t been a good boy, have you?”

:|:|:|:|:|:|:​

Saix remained locked in his threatening stance until the last whiffs of darkness faded into the space between himself and the dragon before daring to act. The dragon’s eyes were locked in a narrow stare, but its eyes went wide at what happened next.
The moment the portal fully closed, Saix dropped the claymore, allowing it to smash onto the ground before him and fade into nothing.

“You wish to know the truth about why I am here? Then face me witch,” commanded Saix, not even flinching at the hatred in the dragon’s eyes.
For awhile nothing happened, and Saix was about to re-summon his weapon, when a massive dark wind blew over the terrace. In the howling mess of darkness, Saix could barely make out the dragon as it transformed into Maleficent.

When the wind died down, Maleficent, in her usual black cloak, raised a finger at the man standing beneath him, and called out, “Why are you here?”
Saix opened his palms (intentionally over-dramatically) towards the witch and called out, “Hear me out Maleficent! I come in peace!”
The sorceress raised an eyebrow, but she rested her hands upon her staff’s orb, “I’m listening.”

Saix smiled and let his hands fall to his side before starting, but when he did, he spoke loudly and clearly, “I have no intention of eliminating you Maleficent, in fact I require your assistance. I could not dare reveal my true intentions before my “companions,” understand this.”
Maleficent raised an eyebrow, but her smile was evident as she said, “Why ever not?” She had an idea of where this was going.
Saix grinned, “I believe you already know, but I shall tell you anyway,” he took a dramatic pause and continued, “I have plans to overthrow Xemnas, the Organization’s leader, and I need your help.”
Maleficent grinned, and raised her hand to her chin, “Tell me though, why should I trust you? Have you forgotten our last encounter?”
Saix scowled and threw his arm out at his side and spoke harshly “Save the act witch. You know as well as I do the circumstances have changed.”
Maleficent answered with just as much disdain, “That was not my question.”
Saix’s eyes narrowed, but he grudgingly replied, “Fine. You want the truth? Here it is. I realize now that Xemnas is not the capable leader he believes himself to be. Under his rule, the Organization has been anything but organized and has accomplished nothing, yet he is still in command. I’m leading a revolt against him, and I would greatly appreciate your help.”

He said the last few words in a very weak tone, and Maleficent grinned at the man’s defeat. “Now was that really so hard?” teased Maleficent, and Saix glared at her with great contempt.
“Don’t patronize me. Will you aid me or not?” asked Saix in a flat tone, folding his arms across his chest.
Maleficent did not speak, but she grinned, whipped out her staff, and sent green flames hurtling at Saix. Although he jumped back at first, the flames settled calmly upon the ends of his cloak, and he smiled at the witch. It was not a violent act so much as it was a generous gesture.
“I’ll come to call on you when the time is right. It won’t be long now.”
With that last note, he was engulfed by the darkness of his own portal.

:|:|:|:|:|:|:​

Xigbar was having an extremely difficult time teleporting himself and Zexion around the onslaught of attacks from Sora’s gang, and he was falling back closer and closer to the skyscraper. Axel was hailing them with fire balls while Sora and Kairi chased after them, blades slicing at the air where they teleported. The King was blasting light beams at the odd partners, but Zexion met every single one of them with an equal blast of darkness. Donald and Goofy were trying to keep up with the fast paced attacks, but they just couldn’t follow Xigbar’s many teleportations.

Suddenly, in the mess of flying energy, emerged a dark portal, out of which Saix emerged, cloak still flaming.
“I’ve failed! We must go!” he cried desperately, gesturing for Xigbar and Zexion to join him in the dark.
Xigbar grabbed Zexion’s arm and hurled them both into the darkness, and Saix was about to vanish as well, when suddenly Axel came flying at him.

“No!” cried Saix, the portal closing around him. Axel had been the nearest to the portal, and he threw himself at it with all the strength he had. As he flew into the darkness, he came colliding into Saix, who vanished at the contact.

As the portal came to a close, Sora heard Axel call out to him, barely a whisper in the dark, “See ‘ya soon kid!”

---------------------

PHEW! Quite a bit longer than most chapters I believe... (about 7 pages in word in fact )

Well, there you go. =D
(NOW- *major hint here about the upcoming chapters* take a look back at the titles of the next few chapters. I think you should be able to figure out what some of them are about) =DDDDD

** By the way, please let me know if there are any typos or anything of the sort. Don't get me wrong, I've proofread it, it's just that it's so long that I probably skipped over something...**

 

[Danica Syer]

O_O..... sorafan1203......
how the hell can you like the disney characters!? =o
(joking)

How can I not? LOL! I love Mickey and his friends and then I like the POTC, Lion King, Little Mermaid, and uh....I don't know too many. Disney GEEK here. XD

Anyway, OMG! I wish I can correct you on the story but I'm bad at it. Anyway, I'm only good at spelling errors and so far I saw none. So that's good.

What happened with Saix and Maleficent ???? O_O

I mean I read it but you mean Maleficent can beat Saix, since WHEN!?! XD

Anyway, wow, good job building the suspense.....and how you managed to do Zexion's part as well! And then have Sora and Kairi and Axel all getting into the action and then Axel going after them and then leaving Sora and his friend....or so it seems.

Btw: I love Zexion and Saix besides Roxas, Xigbar, Demyx, and Axel.

EDIT: Ummm....okay here's what I think I missed out on:

Maybe the thing you were hinting was, was at Axel?

 

[Anonymous]

What?

Maleficent didn't beat him.
Ok, she burnt his cloak, right? At first he thought it was a threat, but he knew she was merely trying to aid him when he met back with the org (make it seem like they had fought).

So when he gets to zex. and xig., he says he's failed, just to give an excuse for what he really did (recruit her to his cause).
(his cloak was burning, so it made it seem like she beat him)

Sorry if this wasn't clear

*I made a few small edits to hopefully make this clearer*

 

[Aqua]

I really enjoyed this update, especially how you included Zexion in the story here (he has always been one of my favorite Organization members). Also, I laughed about Xigbar's "good boy" line with Sora being used again. I look forward to the next chapter.

 

[Anonymous]

Thanks aqua.

Well... chapter 11 is underway. Very long. (2 part though).
Anyway, I'm annoyed... long story, bye =D

 

[Haku]

Sorry about my late reply from when you sent me the PM, but most of the things that I wanted to point out have already been answered but very entertaining chapter indeed =D.

 

[Anonymous]

Thanks Haku =D

*Oh, and I've got a question for everybody...
In the next chapter, I have a noticeably... (I want to say violent, but it really isn't).... painful! yes! that's the word!

OK, so in the next chapter (part 2 in fact), something very painful happens to one of the characters, and I just want to ask you guys if any of you have a problem with this sort of thing, or if I can go on writing it unchecked?
So yea, just respond to this with your opinions, thanks =D

 

[Taokitty]

As long as ya don't kill the character, it's all good! =D''' [Oi, I have a bad sense of humour.... xD]
What happened to everybody?! This thread hasn't been active for [at least] ten days!

Forgive me for rushing a post. We have internet again after awhile and I want to post quickly before giving a more full analasys [spelling?]?

Hmmm... I suppose the only constructive critism I can give is the method you had decided to test out. Though it is an interesting way to present a chapter, I found it... a bit repetetive? It was harder to connect in a way seeing it seemed a bit rushed by the style chosen. Or maybe that's your usual style and I hadn't noticed or is more promiment in this chapter? I believe it wasn't very neccesary to keep switching through scenes in such a short span of time. Forgive me if I am not very clear and if I seem harsh in anyway. Twas not the intention. Dx

Well, I'm going to go off now. See ya!

-Taokitty-
PS Hopefully I'll be more clear later on if anything needs clarification. Dx

 

[Aqua]

I am sorry I did not respond sooner, as well. I've started a new job (which is going well) so I have been somewhat busy. As for your question about writing about a painful event, I am usually not upset with things up through PG 13 level (although there are always exceptions). When you get to R (or M in video games) some things I'm OK with and other things I am not. I can enjoy the Metal Gear Solid series (even though I do not like a few things it contains). Actually, I just got a PS3 and MGS4 recently (which has kind of taken up a lot of time I am not at my new job). Yet, I may be rambling ("... rambling,... as if..."). But, yeah, without knowing specifically what you are going to do, as long as you stay PG 13 level or under I doubt I will be offended.