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Fanfiction ► _-_-_-Tears of Joy -A FMA Story-_-_-_



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sora's_guardian

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Oc Info



Name: Riylee Timiapay

Age: 15

Gender: Female

Alchemist: Magic Alchemist

Oppucation: Millitary and State Alchemist

Apperance:
394607-2006082211295.jpg


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Chp.1 (Beginings of a true beliver and meeting the Full Metal Alchemist!)


"My story starts off in the Millitary HQ.Wher I'm mostly found with my sister ,Akira.Well...mostly everywhere with Akira.She's always with me.My name is Riylee Lenne Timiapay.I am 15 and feel as if I was born yesterday.I started my jorney not to long ago at the age of elven.A young age as my parents would say.I have a very strong relationship with my family.Ecspecialy Akira.I've been with her since the day she was born.We trust eachother more than I could usualy tell.I know more about her than I do the rest of my family.But enough with this lets get on with the 'REAL' story.The one you came to read is that right?Well if it is here you go! "

I walked solo down the long hallway of the HQ staring at the State Alchemist watch that has been mine for years now.I was headed for Colonial Mustang's office for some 'IMPORTANT' meeting between me and him.Rounding the corner I cliped the watch back onto the grey belt that I wore going diagnial from my waist to my theigh and put the watch it's self in the small pocket attached to my belt.I folded my hands behind my back and started fiddeling with my fingers as I continuded to Mustang's office.I slowly opened the the door of Mustang's office peering my head around the corner.

"you wanted to see me...,Roy?"

I asked as I walked in closing the door behind me.That was one of his rules around here for some reason.Kinda stupid though.

"yes..I did want to see you Riylee..you see...theres this Alchemist coming this evening and your going to encompany him"

his said leaning back in his seat acting cocky.Why was he always so cocky?Maybe its just his personality...Hold on...What Did He Just Say!?He just said that I'm going with this Alchemist that I don't even know nor see before!Who knows!This person might be a pervert,hypacrite,sexist!Who Knows!?

"I don't even konw this guy!Not even his or her's name!And your expecting me to go somewhere with them!?"

I shouted running over to his desk and slaming my hands down on it using body language with my right hand which was automail, with the left still on the dest.I think he saw the anger in my eyes because his expression quickly changed.

"I understand...but we need you to do this Riylee...He will be here this afternoon with his brother...rest up or do something till then...I will have Riza come get you when they arive...thats when you will learn about them."

He said turning his chair around facing the wall.I managed to calm myself down before I boasted anymore.My regular personality went back to its natural state as I walked out of my room.I crossed my arms nervously walking down the hall again.I walked by the cafitiria seeing Akira takling to other people in the Millitary.She was so out-going...I just couoldn't understand it.If she was assinged this job she would of taken it with no force.Unlike me...I'm always avoiding new people...and now being froced to meet one.I stared at the floor while walking to my room.I saw Fayate running around as usual.The small dog came up to me and sat down.What did he want?Probobly another treat maybe.Fayate was always comeing up to and I'd always end up takeing him back to Riza.But I didn't.I just wasn't in the mood today.Ijust walked alway as Fayate stared at me with those big puppy eyes he'd always use to get out of trouble.I soon came to my dorm.Number '201'.This has been my dorm ever since I came here.I wonder if my parents knew I was in the Millitary?Oh well...They'll find out soon enought.I went in my dorm locking the door behind me.I walked over to my bed and layed on my back staring at the white celing.I thought of Akira sharing the dorm with me and how she could just unlock it if she wanted to come in.It was a random thought just to keep the people who I am going to meet of my mind.Before I knew it everything was gone and I was in what I call Fantasia...which is 'MY' dream world.I don't know how long I was asleep.All I heard was pounding on the door and Riza yelling on the other side.

"Miss Timaipay!Please Answer Me!Riylee!Open Up!The People Are Here!"

She yelled still pounding on the door.I got up and walked over to the miorror.Everything was the same as before I went to sleep...but one little thing was different.My emotion was nevrouse and shy.Just like the time I first came to the Millitary.I quickly brushed my hair out and went to the door.I inhailed deeped placing my hand on the handel.I slowly twisted it.Soon I saw Riza with a fustrated face on.

"Its time Riylee...actualy your late"

She said waiting for me to follow her.I came out of my dorm and shut and locked the door.I quickly caught up to her.I can tell you right now...Riza is a fast walker.My legs were tiering just by walking behind her.We were soon at Mustang's office door.I felt my heart skip beats.My breathing became small and fast.I looked over to Riza.

"hey...don't be nervouse...you need to meet new people every once in a while"

Riza said trying to encourang me.I slowly nodded me head pretending to not be nrevouse but still was.Once again I inhailed deeply toutching the door handel and twisting it.I opened the door slowly making a crecking noise.My head was down,my hands folded behind my back,and me biteing my lip.I wouldn't dare look at them.I couldn't.

"Riylee...come sit down"

Mustang's low voice said.I could tell they were watching me.I just knew it.I slowly looked up at Mustang.He was watching me sometimes glancing at the two boys beside me.

"Riylee...This is Edward Elric and Alphonse Elric...these are the two young men you will me be working with...Edward Alphonse...this is miss Riylee Timaipay"

He said folding his hands and placing his elbos on his desk resting his chin on his folded hands.My body tensed up when he introduced me to them.

"Hi Riylee"

The two boys said at once.I slowly looked over at them studying them carfuly.One was blond with his hair pulled back in a low braid,golden eyes,wore a red trench coat,and was an intch or two bigger than me.The other had short light brown hair,green eyes,and wore a trench coat simillar to the one the other wore.He was a little bigger than the other one.I blushed by just seeing them I quickly looked away putting my hands betwin my legs blancing on the chair.I again inhailed deeply.I wasn't used to things like this.I let out the breath and looked over to the two.

"....hi...."

I said.I was angery at myself.Thats all I could say!?I need to suck it up!I Know I Can Do Better Than That!

"...I'm Riylee Timaipay...its a pleauser to meet you..."

I said still looking the other way from them.I slowly gain enought courage to accualy look at them.Their attention was now focused on Mustang.The blond was talking to him, while the brunnette sat quiety listening the same as I.Mustang mentioned the Blond's name...Edward.So that was Edward.So the other must be Alphonse.I sat there unsolving this thing while at the same time watching and listening to Mustang.I was soon over and I was dieing to get out of there.I quickly sat up and began to walk out of the room.

"Riylee...I want you to stay here and talk to Ed and Al...while I Leave and wait for you three to get to know each other better..."

He said.I froze in my tracks.He wanted me to stay in there alone with them!?I just couldn't belive this!But I sucked it up and followed what I was told.I went back to my chair and sat down as Mustang got up and left the room leaving me with Edward and Alphonse.

"So...can you tell us about yourself?"

The one known as Alphonse asked.

"About me?Well..."
 
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Thelonepickle

I don't like bugs!
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...You do not post a bio before writing a fan fiction-

-goes off to write something-
 

sora's_guardian

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Chp.2 (My Name Is Riylee Lenne Timaipay!)



I told them about my past studdering on almost evey word.But...actualy...I never met someone who actualy listen to 'MY' past.they told me about their's.It was so sad.I can't understand something so bad would happen to a human being.And...for one time in my life I actualy opend up to people I barely even knew.

"Well...I told you about my past...I guess I should..like...uhh...tell you two about...the...today me...?"

I said again studdering.There was something about the blond named Edward that I couldn't place my finger on.It was there I just didn't know what.The two both nodded their heads telling me that I should.i started filldeling with my fingers.And for some reason caught Edward's and Alphones's eyes.

"wait...hold on!you have automail!"

Edward yelled pointing at my right arm.I quickly hid my hands behind my back and hung my head down.I never told anyone.Accept Akira and some people here at the Millitary.I squessed my eyes shut biting my lip.

"Its ok...we don't mind...in fact Brother has Automail...he has it as a right arm and left leg..."

Alphonse said making me feel more secure.I looked up at them not knowing what to say.I pulled my hands out from behind my back and studyed my right arm.It was the same as anyother time.Actept when Akira changed the metal or anything like that.But why was he so honest about it?Edward didn't do anything just sat there and stared at my arm.Before I knew it he was on the floor beside me fiddeling with my arm.My head slowly turned as it also went downwards untill my eyes meet Edward.My face lite up red as I tried to say atleast a few words.

"E-E-Edward...w-what...are...y-you.....d-doing...?"

I managed to spite out.He quickly took his attention off my arm but still grasping onto it.He lifted his golden eyes up to me.My face was even more red.I was staring him in the eyes.Thoses Eyes.It was like I was stuck on them.

"oh...nothing just looking at your automail...its very update...I like it"

He said now smiling.My eyes still looking in his eyes I totaly forgot about Alphonse.Well...untill he purposly clearded his throat reminding us he was still there.Edward's and my eyes lifted off eachother and to Alphonse.He was staring at Edward weirdly.It was stern and impayicent.Edward looked strenly back at him.He soon lifted himself off the ground and walked back over to his chair.The two started mumbeling to eachother while paying attention to me.I just slighty stared at them blinking a few times.Alphonse causiously smiled and sweat dropped.

"I'm sorry!And I'm sure Brother is to!"

he said in caution waving his hands at chest hieght.Why were they sorry?Was it that they ketp bickering?Or another reason?Anyways...I stared at them with confusion.A few minutes passed off me sitting there as stiff as a stick.Untill I heard a knock on the door I loosend up and let out a sigh.It was relife when I heard Roy's voice on the other side.I stood up and walked to the door.On the way to the door I started hearing Edward and Alphonse queitly bicker with eachother.I approached the door and twisted the knob opening it.As I opened the door at medium rate I started seeing Roy's face untill the door was complety open to where I saw what was left.

"Exuse me but perhaps your done?"

He said in the cocky tone again.The inner me sweat dropped everytime he sounded like that.I had a blank look on my face and blinked a few times.I looked back at Edward and Alphonse.They Quickly noticed me and Roy looking at them.They both faced us and smiled like nothing just happend bettween them.

"....YES!were done!"

I quickly said swaet dropping myself.Roy nodded and I quickly ran out of the room and to my dorm.I noticed Roy giving Edward and Alphonse dorm keys before I rounded the corner.I quickly rushed to my dorm paying no attention to the other people I passed on my way.I unlocked and opened the door as fast as I could possible closing it behing me.I leaned against the door phanting and slid down to the ground.I heard a fimmiliar voice.

"What wrong with you?I haven't seen you all day!"

I looked over and saw Akira.She was right.I haven't talked to her today.I looked over at her lookng clueless.

"Well?arn't you going to talk?"

She said jumping off her bed and standing beside me with her hands on her hips.I looked up at her and smiled.I was clueless of why she asked so many quetions.But I am always used to it.Its been like this ever since we started this so called journy.

"...ummm....uhhh....I'm fine!"

I said Running over to my bed and jumping on it landing on my back.Akira walked over to my bed jumping on it as well.She sat indian style with her hands between her legs.She was perkyer than ever by just sitting there.She bounced up and down with no care in the world.As a sectret between me and myself...she was getting annoying.

"So...'WHATS' realy wrong with you?"

she asked.I wasn't realy paying attention I was realy just staring at the celing.I heard some of her words.I smiled and sat upright knowing I could trust her if she could keep her mouth shut.

"well...I have a problem...you see I've been asingned by Mustng to go with The FullMetal Alchemist and his brother to help them on their way...and I never wanted to do this.But theres something about Edward you know FullMetal?"

I said moving my right automail arm as a tool for body language.She stared at me with those big green eyes.They looked confused to me.Why were they like that?I KNOW!She was thinking!thats her thinking face!but what is she thinking about?

"ummm...Riylee...do you think Mustang will let me go with you guys?I can be of some help!"

She asked sounding dessprate.She wanted to go?Tippical...your avrage Akira for ya.Always like this.I stared at her blinking as if something like this have never happend.Although it has happend many times before.

"I don't know...I'm not him...you should ask him"

I said sitting on the edge of the bed and pushed myself up.I walked to the bathroom and studied myself in the miorrir.I poked at my face studing my skin.Nothing was wrong with it.But also I noticed Akira was speachless...I guess.I heard her mumbeling to herself.She was planing I could tell.I walked out of the bathroom and through the door of my dorm and down the hall.I thought about how I'd be lucky to not run into Edward and Alphonse while I'm outside.I walked down the halls and to the entrance doors.I pushed the large doors open.The sun beamed into my eyes causing me to sheild them with my left hand.I steped out and onto the steps.I pranced down them and on to the concreat walkway.From there I walked into the grass to where you could usualy find me.Unfotiantly a tree.I climbed up the tree and onto a sterdy branch.I leaned against the tree trunk as my left leg went straight out on the branch and my right leg was hanging off.I soon fell asleep without knowing it.


~!~half an hour later~!~

I only heard yelling before I fell out of the tree.The voice I knew.But didn't know why it was yelling.
 

GuardianOfHearts

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Okay, I have a lot of problems with this fic. I'll go in order.

First off, you put a template/profile/bio/whatever you want to call it before the story. That's a no-no. That's the lazy way to describing your character. This isn't a role-play. It just makes this look unprofessional. And that's the nice word for it.

Second, your spelling and grammar is making my computer's dictionary cry. Even I might have nightmares after this. Please use spell-checker. Poor Black Hayate hasn't had his name spelt correctly the entire fic. And then get reacquainted with your spacebar, because you obviously need it and I'm sure it's feeling neglected. In case you didn't notice, you haven't been spending as much time with it as you should, judging by the way sentences seem to be squashed together.

Also, make friends with the shift key. It only wants a little attention. Use it and you will be benefited by having things like proper nounds and the beginning of sentences marvelously capitalized as they should.

Third, your character. As an unofficial expert on this, I can say with total certainty that she's a Mary Sue. If you don't know what a Mary Sue is, please pay a visit to Thelonepickle's recently-stickied FanFiction Dictionary.

If you DO know what a Mary-Sue is, then I'll tell you now exactly why. Because she has automail, because she digs Ed {and vice-versa}, because she's a fifteen-year-old alchemist, because she doesn't need a transmutation circle, because of who she hangs out with, and because she's kinda annoying in that way when you KNOW some OC is a Mary-Sue.

Last but not least, please get a plot. Because this is boring the heck outta me.

I hope you're big enough to take this critique and use it.
 

Savior of Dawn

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sora's_guardian said:
hold!I already know what a Mary-sue is!And mt little Riylee here isn't!I ca tell you that right now!She somewhat likes edward but edward dosen't like her!

Seems like a mary sue. I mean, look at that body. She likes ed, he doesn't like her? Sorry, you're not going greatly out of the box here. Maybe if she was truly bipolar, or had multiple souls in her body. : P I'd also suggest glasses, nobody with skills that greatly isn't at least remotely nerdy.


Besides character development, for the story, try to disclude main-series character as much as possible. We already know Ed, Al, Roy and the crew, we want to know Riylee. Perhaps an alchemic phenomena? Military Genocide against Alchemists? Something that will allow for character development, but an interesting story that could also involve the main-series characters (If you wish to keep them very active)

Just in my opinion.. I think how you're working here is more suitable for roleplaying, given the shortness and character bio. Bios just take away from the writing. Grammar improvement would at least make yours look more 'elegant' : /
 
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