█▓▒Where he lays is where he stays▒▓█

[Dark Prince]

Let me know what you think, what you like or don't like

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It burns to breathe like a cough woke me up in the middle of surgery
The fear curdles me as the doctors wipe the snot with what looks to be a jersey
I stare with blurred vision, and paralyzed from shock yet shook with worry
As I took the wisdom in my thoughts and looked them firmly
I felt strong willed but my bones are stubborn
I wince, but my mouth wouldn’t move for no one
But still my will rules to go on
I drown in thoughts like my dream lost its soul
They nip-n-tuck at my tendons like it’s an obstacle
Crammed with anguishing pain while all cries for help wasted in vain
While dangling veins are prodded relentlessly escalating the strain
All my life lived and only now did something worry me
If they found out I was alive and had to bury me
I had my tonsils removed and that journey was minuscule
Now I feel the sting of this and it aims at the physical
I scream, but only to wince again thinking “stop it fool!”
As the nurse shouts, “Ok, autopsies done for this gun shot wound!”
I was carried to the morgue where my corpse should be torched
But it was only a course to my death bed where I’ll be forced
To be buried… where skeletons and scorpions scurry

 

[Miss Murder]

Just a couple things I had noticed.

You probably shouldn't use words like 'snot' ... doesn't make for a nice poem/song or whatever the hell anyone decides to write.

Another thing, when you write a part where someone in your creation speaks, don't use words like, "OK". Just skip right to the point of what they're going to say.

It's a nice piece, Dark Prince. Keep up the good work.

 

[Dark Prince]

Thanks for the feed Upping

 

[Disluxia]

There's a poetry thread for this. -_-