I can try. I don't have a lot of free time lately, but I'll do my best. Since I'm not really a teacher, I think the best thing I could do is just read through your stuff and help you there. Sound good?
From the first few paragraphs, it's definitely an improvement over the first. Comparatively, I can see a lot more effort put into this one. There's a lot more detail as well that the first didn't have. However, the English is still sub-par. I'll go through it more thoroughly once I read through all of it.