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Chapter 2 - In which Luxord is revealed to be Ven's Nobody, Vanitas is Yozora AND the Master of Masters and all this is revealed by Kairi in fifteen sentences. One of those sentences of dialogue is 67 words long plus 36 words of Sora widening his eyebrows. Also, Sora is using insanely long words that I'm sure that canon!Sora has never heard of. This guy makes his sentences SUPER long and uses sooooo many noise words that it's tiring to read. It's not that he doesn't use commas, he just uses them unnecessarily. When he does need commas when listing, he uses the word "or".
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"A lot has happened," Kairi continued. "Xehanort himself was a puppet whose heart was treated as a bottle on a shelf," Sora's eyes widened further, "And his strings were pulled by Vanitas," Sora kept his eyes from widening even more. It was likely that was going to keep happening repeatedly if he let them. " - not the Vanitas you know, the Vanitas you know is a child version of the genuine Vanitas with his memories gone - and Xigbar, who is actually a Keyblade Master named Luxu from the ancient age of fairy tales before the First Keyblade War. Xehanort's No Name originally belonged to Luxu, and to Vanitas, whose true name is Yozora," Sora let his eyes widen once more at that one.
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I-
No lead-in. No... It's literally just an info dump.
Maybe this guy should stick to essays.
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"Okay," Sora addressed them all, and Riku's and Kairi's and Terra's and Aqua's and Ven's eyes and faces showed varying degrees of surprise and dismay, and even terror and horror, especially Riku's and Terra's.
Had they caught something in his voice?
Sora had shrugged it off mentally. It didn't matter.
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... All those words to end with "It didn't matter." And... What? What's the point of pretending... something if you realise that your friends can see through your voice, and then you say "It didn't matter"? wha...? Why did he shrug it off? I'm so confused... Or was the point that Sora was using darkness and did... something? But then why would he ask if they caught something in his voice if he... didn't
You could've shortened it by SO MANY WORDS.
Sora, being Sora, wouldn't use those long words. At least not so... technological, words. Maybe something more poetic.
If Sora felt like people were watching him, or looking at him weirdly, I'd use rather short sentences to emphasise the heart beating fast and the breath quickening.
And instead of saying that they're faces "showed dismay," I'd describe what their faces actually looked like. What do Aqua and Terra look like when they're dismayed?
Also, would the characters really show dismay at Sora's voice? Wouldn't worry or concern be more appropriate?
Below is how I would've written it. Except I'm confused at what the whole paragraph is even trying to say. But nevermind about that.
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For example, if Sora was keeping a secret:
"Okay," Sora said, hoping his voice wouldn't give anything away.
He breathed in deeply, just barely catching the slight crinkle of Aqua's brow and the worried flash across Terra's eyes.
Alright, so maybe he wasn't as good at pretending as he'd thought he was, but that was fine!
It wasn't like he couldn't keep a secret from Kairi or Riku for long, anyway.
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Or for another example, if Sora didn't know what was wrong, or intentionally repressing, or whatever:
"Okay," Sora said warily.
Why was everyone looking at him like that? He wondered, noting the way Aqua's brow crinkled, and Terra's eyes flashed in... worry? Concern?
Why would they be worried?
He was fine.
Everything was fine.
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