Help/Support ► Problem with friend's mental health

[Semisubtle]

My friend recently fell back on cutting; she said she hadn't done it in over a year but I saw marks all over her hips last night and she admitted that she'd started back up again. She's seen our college's psychological support center in the beginning of the year but doesn't find it helpful to her. What she needs is a diagnosis, or rather, to get medication for her previously diagnosed manic-depressive disorder. For whatever reason she wasn't put on medication when she was first diagnosed with that, and her parents don't take her problems seriously enough to support her to see a proper psychiatrist when she gets home. Now she's in college with me, ten hours from home where she doesn't get help anyway, and refuses the help she is able to get here.

I'm truly worried about her, and it breaks my heart to know that she's doing this to herself. What should I do?

 

[Unabomber]

do anything in your power to get her the help that she needs. and if its beyond your power, get other people to help. never back out on your friends.

one of my friends started the cutting thing our freshman year, and when i saw the marks i told him "if you continue to do this, then i will not continue to associate my self with you. i will straight up disown you."

he stopped immediately.

 

[Dogenzaka]

I will say this.

I understand people who have a biochemical or physiological problem to where they can't help but feel sad all the time.
But most depression is situational, attitude-based and can simply be avoided or overcome.

Cutting isn't depression, cutting is a habit that someone can get into after being depressed, but that in itself is a behavioral issue and it should be dealt with.

But yeah, when I was younger I used to take depression medication and see a therapist.
Then I became a Christian and I really don't have much of any reason to be sad or upset, and besides those medications usually just screw you up more.

But the point is, I understand you're worried about her.

However, medication doesn't fix the problem, it just tries to treat the result. And psychiatric meds usually do more harm than good in the end.
Counseling, however, from a trained specialist doesn't hurt. Some people only feel secure in telling their therapist their problems, and the therapist can make an evaluation of where all the distress is coming from and help change that aspect of their lives.

I suggest asking her to find a good psychologist or counselor.

The cutting is just something ridiculous that she should stop, and you should hold her accountable about it, because even she won't.

[/mixed and unorganized thoughts]

 

[AkiraKiyoshi]

Simply put, the statement above is all you'll need.

 

[Bukkake Sensei]

I will say this.

I understand people who have a biochemical or physiological problem to where they can't help but feel sad all the time.
But most depression is situational, attitude-based and can simply be avoided or overcome.

Cutting isn't depression, cutting is a habit that someone can get into after being depressed, but that in itself is a behavioral issue and it should be dealt with.

But the point is, I understand you're worried about her.

However, medication doesn't fix the problem, it just tries to treat the result. And psychiatric meds usually do more harm than good in the end.
Counseling, however, from a trained specialist doesn't hurt. Some people only feel secure in telling their therapist their problems, and the therapist can make an evaluation of where all the distress is coming from and help change that aspect of their lives.

I suggest asking her to find a good psychologist or counselor.

The cutting is just something ridiculous that she should stop, and you should hold her accountable about it, because even she won't.

[/mixed and unorganized thoughts]

100% agree. Medication does not solve problems, it treats symptoms, and becoming dependent on a substance for her emotional stability is a terrible idea.

I can sympathize with depression, but not with self-mutilation.

 

[Semisubtle]

She's seen several different therapists and doesn't want to anymore for a thousand different reasons, she says it's something that won't go away until she handles it herself. I understand that medication only treats the symptoms and doesn't stop the cause, but it's not a matter of her becoming dependent rather than a matter of her feeling better. The debate as to whether drugs help the symptoms but make the person feel overall worse varies depending on the individual - perhaps that wouldn't be as bad as she feels now. I can't speak for her nor anyone else in that kind of situation (and I won't pretend like this problem is anywhere near my realm of experience), but I do wish she'd at least go and get a legitimate diagnosis. For all she knows it was wrong the first time; one of her best friends from high school was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and now she's been considering that as a cause for her symptoms as well.

The problem is getting her to seek help, and I feel like the only thing I can do is nag her about it. I'm not going to abandon her, no matter what happens, but I can't make her choose between me and cutting kind of like you suggested, Tight Like Amy. She'd choose that.

 

[coolfresh1224]

a friend of mine used to cut herself when i first saw i was really mad at her and told to stop i told i told her how much i cared about her she listented she hasn't cut since

 

[Semisubtle]

We had a three hour conversation about it yesterday, I said everything there was to say on the subject. She's not going to stop for me.

 

[coolfresh1224]

does she have a bf

 

[Semisubtle]

No, and she's got about a thousand emotional hang-ups from her last relationship that she's tacked on to the guy she's into now. She was legitimately in love with this first guy and is afraid she'll never feel that way for anyone again, which is ridiculous as she's all of nineteen years old. She uses sex as a means of validation: if she can have sex with as many guys as she wants and never get emotionally attached, she's happy with herself. But she actually likes this new guy and, after having sex with him, is afraid it's turning into a repeat of what happened last time. It seems like the cutting almost started up this time as a punishment for being unable to control her emotions, though it was never for that reason before.

I wish there was a way to make this less confusing, but there really is such a huge number of factors going into this that I don't even know what to say.

 

[coolfresh1224]

is she saved

 

[Endgame]

What your friend needs to do is wake the fuck up to herself.

Medication isn't a cure. It's a stopgap solution. At best, it allows the person taking it to stabalize themself long enough to sort out their problems, but seldom works this way. Most of the time, all it does is cause them to become reliant on the medication for what they percieve to be the normality it gives them. As with any drug, medication can form psychologial addictions.

She needs to realize that there isn't a magical solution and there isn't a quick fix. The only way she can overcome this is making the descision to stop feeling sorry for herself and work through her problems. There's nothing you can do to help her with this. She needs to make the descision herself, otherwise she'll just slip back into it.

Any emotional problem can be overcome with determination, resolve and willpower. The problem is that people don't see things that way. They're 'diagnosed' with a disorder, and think of themselves as having a disease that can be cured by medication. They don't have a disease. They arn't sick. The only thing that's different is they think in different ways to the majority of the population, and have a predisposition towards certain emotions. Once again, that's something no medication can 'cure', because there's nothing wrong with them, nothing, at least, that they don't fabricate themselves.

My sugguestion to you? Ignore it. Ignore all of it. Don't ask her about her problems. Pretend not to notice her scars. You can't do a thing about it if she dosn't decide to do something herself. And if they go unnoticed, and you treat her as a friend regardless of them or not, she'll start to see the pointlessness of it, hopefully.

 

[Jolteon]

What your friend needs is to find Jesus. If she can accept him into her heart she'll most likely see the errors of her ways and try to fix them with Jesus at her side. As a friend,never give up. Pray for her,and just be there for her. If there is something that she needs to do on her own,I think there is something wrong at home,and she is afriad to confront it.

I recommend some music that has powerful meaning of hope,love, and forgiveness. If I may,try having her listen to Skillet's: The Last Night. It has powerful meaning,and says that there is someone there who loves her and can pull her through all the bad things life has to offer.

 

[coolfresh1224]

she's not cutting herself for attention she's depressed thus ignoring it coould be fatal what this girl needs is prayer and soomeoe to kick her ass ocassionaly think of your friend as erika from megatokyo you must be kimiko or she'll.........well i wont say it but please pray and be kimiko

 

[Endgame]

What your friend needs is to find Jesus. If she can accept him into her heart she'll most likely see the errors of her ways and try to fix them with Jesus at her side. As a friend,never give up. Pray for her,and just be there for her. If there is something that she needs to do on her own,I think there is something wrong at home,and she is afriad to confront it.

I recommend some music that has powerful meaning of hope,love, and forgiveness. If I may,try having her listen to Skillet's: The Last Night. It has powerful meaning,and says that there is someone there who loves her and can pull her through all the bad things life has to offer.

Yeah because saying 'I believe in god' is gonna magically make her problems dissapear just as well as the medication would.

Stupid stupid christians. You are not the world's one size fits all solution to every goddamn problem. In fact, you're the root of a vast number of them.

How is telling her someone's going to be at her side when really, there's no means of ever knowing they are, going to help? It's just going to drive her deeper into depression when her expectations don't live up to reality yet again.

How is telling her someone is there to listen to her going to help, if they don't reply? That's just going to make her feel more understated and unnoticed, hence the cutting, a plea for attention.

"There's something wrong at home she's afraid to confront?" You sound like a fortune cookie.

Mindlessly, unquestioningly believing in something for which she will never find any form of validation is not going to help. As I said above.

THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN HELP YOU IS YOURSELF.

Not medication.

Not friends.

Not therapists.

Not God.

You have to make the descision and work towards it YOURSELF. You have to decide you want to change. Nobody else can change who you are for you. The blame, and responsibility, always rests squarely on your own shoulders.

 

[Jolteon]

Yeah because saying 'I believe in god' is gonna magically make her problems dissapear just as well as the medication would.

Stupid stupid christians. You are not the world's one size fits all solution to every goddamn problem. In fact, you're the root of a vast number of them.

How is telling her someone's going to be at her side when really, there's no means of ever knowing they are, going to help? It's just going to drive her deeper into depression when her expectations don't live up to reality yet again.

How is telling her someone is there to listen to her going to help, if they don't reply? That's just going to make her feel more understated and unnoticed, hence the cutting, a plea for attention.

"There's something wrong at home she's afraid to confront?" You sound like a fortune cookie.

Mindlessly, unquestioningly believing in something for which she will never find any form of validation is not going to help. As I said above.

THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN HELP YOU IS YOURSELF.

Not medication.

Not friends.

Not therapists.

Not God.

You have to make the descision and work towards it YOURSELF. You have to decide you want to change. Nobody else can change who you are for you. The blame, and responsibility, always rests squarely on your own shoulders.

Wow man some strong words. ,God will take all your pains away,however this is not the place to talk about it. I respect your beliefs. Still I say try it,God works in mysterious ways. Misanthropy I forgive you.

 

[Semisubtle]

DarkLightning, I'm not sure that's likely to help her given her own religious beliefs, but I do appreciate your advice and I'm sorry you had to be cut down so harshly (and so randomly).

I know she has to help herself, but that does not mean I'm going to abandon her. I won't ignore her behavior, and I won't ignore her scars. That's the end of it. The fact that she broke down and cried for two hours over it says that she needs help in whatever way I can provide, and if that means just listening then that's what I'm going to do. It's anything beyond that that I'm unsure of.

 

[Endgame]

DarkLightning, I'm not sure that's likely to help her given her own religious beliefs, but I do appreciate your advice and I'm sorry you had to be cut down so harshly (and so randomly).

I know she has to help herself, but that does not mean I'm going to abandon her. I won't ignore her behavior, and I won't ignore her scars. That's the end of it. The fact that she broke down and cried for two hours over it says that she needs help in whatever way I can provide, and if that means just listening then that's what I'm going to do. It's anything beyond that that I'm unsure of.

Has what I've said made any impact on you whatsoever?

By doing this, you validate her actions as achieving a result, be it positive or negative. By trying to help, all you're doing is enabling her to continue along this path without having to re-evaluate her thoughts and actions.

I'm not saying you block her out. By all means, be there for her, but treat her the same, unconditionally, wether she's cutting or not. Don't draw attention to what she does to herself. Be a friend, but give her space to understand herself.

Do as you will, but you're only helping her dig her own grave.

 

[Jolteon]

Has what I've said made any impact on you whatsoever?

By doing this, you validate her actions as achieving a result, be it positive or negative. By trying to help, all you're doing is enabling her to continue along this path without having to re-evaluate her thoughts and actions.

I'm not saying you block her out. By all means, be there for her, but treat her the same, unconditionally, wether she's cutting or not. Don't draw attention to what she does to herself. Be a friend, but give her space to understand herself.

Do as you will, but you're only helping her dig her own grave.

Hmmm I don't know but it seems that you are contridicting on what you just said... though it's IMO. Also you say this as if it were fact,well have you ever stop to think that someone else can actually help her though it? I mean if she actually allows it. hmmm Now I've raised a few questions myself.

 

[gelandporn]

I'm surprised at how many of you have jumped on the anti-medication bandwagon.

The fact of the matter is that we don't know the source of this problem. If there's an obvious situational problem then, yes, that needs to be taken care of. But if it's purely psychological (seemingly arising for no specific reason), in which case the cutting could be a behavioral symptom of a mental disorder, then medication should definitely be a consideration here.

Yeah because saying 'I believe in god' is gonna magically make her problems dissapear just as well as the medication would.

Stupid stupid christians. You are not the world's one size fits all solution to every goddamn problem. In fact, you're the root of a vast number of them.

How is telling her someone's going to be at her side when really, there's no means of ever knowing they are, going to help? It's just going to drive her deeper into depression when her expectations don't live up to reality yet again.

How is telling her someone is there to listen to her going to help, if they don't reply? That's just going to make her feel more understated and unnoticed, hence the cutting, a plea for attention.

"There's something wrong at home she's afraid to confront?" You sound like a fortune cookie.

Mindlessly, unquestioningly believing in something for which she will never find any form of validation is not going to help. As I said above.

THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN HELP YOU IS YOURSELF.

Not medication.

Not friends.

Not therapists.

Not God.

You have to make the descision and work towards it YOURSELF. You have to decide you want to change. Nobody else can change who you are for you. The blame, and responsibility, always rests squarely on your own shoulders.

Religion can act in the same manner as the placebo effect. Belief has been shown to be psychologically healthy.

Though, hey, if you want to be an asshole and live up to your name, I would have recommended you say that this person should go jump off a cliff.